Post by @xL on Jan 7, 2007 6:42:34 GMT -5
:: Saturday, January 6th, 2007 - 3:16 p.m. ::
~ Location: Nowhere, Oklahoma... Nowhere Retirement Village ~
[Our camera opens to Nowhere's local nursing home. The place is filled with army veterans, grandmothers and grandfathers whose children "thought it would be for the best"... but most of all, this particular home is filled to the gills with retired wrestlers. With Nowhere Arena being the main focal point of Nowhere City, those men and women whose time has past in the squared circle... well, they're just BOUND to end up here. Finished wrestling with the titans of the mat, they've been relegated to simpler battles. Such as, waging war with their fellow residents over a game of checkers or parchessi, as well as simply fighting the urge to pull the plug... Trading in their boots and tights for a catheter and bedpan, the fine men and women of Nowhere Retirement Village are destined to a life of the utmost mundane and mediocre.]
[That is... until this day. The day their war-torn bodies meet up with the most rockingest... the most METAL of ALL hair metal GODS...]
[Axl VanHalen.]
[Yes, the Metal God, and leader of the Rock-O-Lution himself, has begun a tour. A tour of the United States. And it all begins here, in his own hometown, and within the confines of Nowhere Retirement Village.]
[Today, a group of old school grapplers from years gone by have gathered in the recreation hall, unaware of the oncoming hurricane of Xtreme Noyze Kaoz [tm]. One of the nurses, Tifa Witherspoon, and the lucky lady who had the good fortune to book Axl this afternoon, walks toward a stage that has just now happened to come into camera view. She takes a microphone, and taps upon it...]
Tifa: Testing... testing... 1, 2, 1, 2... Ahem. Ok everyone, may I please have your attention. First of all, I've been having some complaints about the raisin muffins not tasting quite "up to par", if you will. Well... they're not raisin muffins, they're plain wheat muffins, so I don't know what you guys are on about. Oh, and by the way, there may or may not have been a recent roach infestation in the kitchen. Now, we're not for sure about this just yet, so-
*sounds of a dozen or so "raisin" muffin eaters simultaneously vomiting...*
Tifa: ... And now, without further adieu, please welcome a special guest vocalist I've managed to... ahem, "persuade" to visit our fine home this afternoon... By the way, anyone know how to get rid of a few... hundred STD's? Anyone? Anyone?
[Axl comes on stage, oddly dressed up in a fine suit and tie, and carrying a guitar you'd more likely see at a folk concert than that of a certified Rock n' Roll Messiah... Axl extends a hand to Tifa... who pulls him in, jumps on his bones and starts ramming her tounge down his throat like Nurse Heidi on SMP. Axl manages to shove her off... before turning around and acting as if he's about to leave... when Tifa throws herself at his feet, clinging on and begging for him to stay. Axl looks down at the woman, just THROWING herself at him... before looking into the camera, smiling that smile that only he can.]
Axl: Studnuts... eat your fvckin' heart out.
[Axl suddenly rips the suit and tie off, revealing his naked torso, glistening with sweat, and a pair of black leather pants with hot pink tassles hanging off the sides. Adorning his feet are a couple of dragon head boots, and around his neck, a spiked collar. Axl shakes his flowing blonde locks in the air, before raising the folk guitar high into the air... and bringing it hard down to the stage, smashing it into pieces. He raises Tifa to her feet, twirls her around, and pats her on the @ss, as she squeels and giddily sprints to her seat in front of the stage. With elbows up on the stage floor, she twinkles her eyes at Axl, and blows him a kiss. Axl winks back... before whipping out his REAL axe, a jet black Les Paul, with hot pink handle and lime green strings. Axl places the microphone in its stand and out in front of him, before reaching into his pocket and taking out a pair of hot pink sunglasses, and placing them securely on his nose.]
[Looking out into the crowd of geezers, Axl grins broadly... before taking one strum at his guitar... and with an echo of thunder, everyone in attendance suddenly wakes up. Which is a pretty d@mn good start for this bunch of dried up prunes...]
Axl: Ladies and gentlemen... young and old... well, scratch that. Old, and... older. Nowhere Retirement Village... Are... you... ready?
Geezer McPeters: What was that sonny? Yer gonna have tah speak up, half of us are deaf, and the other half are... deaf. Did I mention I have alzhymers?
Axl: ... ARE YOU READY?!
Geezer McPeters: What was that sonny? Yer gonna have tah speak up, half of us are deaf, and the other half are... deaf. Did I mention I have alzhymers? ... Wait, where am I? Coulda sworn Nurse Tifa was giving me a sponge bath just a couple of seconds ago...
Axl: Ewww... Well, for those that CAN hear... LET'S GET READY TO ROCK!!!
Geezer McPeters: Who's lost their sock? I think I may have just found it in my soup... Wait, this isn't the cafeteria... then why is this bowl full of soup here... Sure smells funny... *takes a sip*... Mmm... but it ain't half bad, I reckon.
Executioner #69: Has anyone seen my bedpan lying around...
Axl: ... Ugh. Well, before I lose my lunch, I'm going to give you all a taste of my newest lick, something I like to call; "Old Folks' Home"! Enjoy...
Axl: Girls and boys, across this great country
Sit at my feet, as I tell you a story
A story of lies, filth, death, blood and sex
I'll tell you it now... while you're eating your Chex.
Axl: See, it starts off real nice at this place they call BoB
A company so poor, there ain't a d@mn THING to rob
And every last guy on the roster's so old,
They'd all die off if they just caught a cold!
Axl: They've been on pay-roll for a decade or so
Mainly cuz', well, they got no place tah go!
Axl: It's the old folk's home! Yes sir, yes sir-
It's the old folk's home! T.V.'s such a gee-zer.
It's the old folk's home! Seth Harker's a BORE!
It's the old folk's home! Studnuts makes me wanna snore!
Axl: Well, I entered this place, to start a little kaoz
I ditched metal for new age, what a mistake THAT was-
But I realized the truth, now I'm back where I belong
Now it's time to get to the point of this here song
Axl: See, Steve-o, Studnuts, whatever your name may be
You need to understand, your time is up, your ancient history!
There's a new age coming, and it definitely ain't Enya
The Rock-O-Lution is here... and I'm-ah bringin' it to ya!!!
Axl: It's the old folk's home - no more, no way!
It WAS the old folk's home, but now? A new day!
There's no more old folk's home, no more room for 'Nuts-
Atleast there won't be, babe... when I kick all of your butts!
Axl: It's the old folk's home! Yes sir, yes sir-
It's the old folk's home! T.V.'s such a gee-zer.
It's the old folk's home! Seth Harker's a BORE!
It's the old folk's home... Yeah, yeah...
It's the old folk's home... Uh-huh...
It's the old folk's home...
Axl: And baby? Studnuts makes me wanna snore!
Axl: ... OLD FOLK'S HOME!!!
Axl: Thank you, thank you! Thank you Nowhere Retirement Village! Rock on!
[Axl raises his fists and guitar in the air, soaking in the applause... well, the applause of Tifa. It appears as though every last one of the retired wrestlers has fallen asleep again. Tifa, though, stands to her feet, and claps till her hands are sore. And then she stops. What, do you expect her to get a blister? You cad.]
Axl: Thanks babe. What's your name again?
Tifa: Tifa. Tifa Witherspoon.
Axl: Well... if you change your last name to something more metal... like VanHalen for example... then how's about you become my manager? I'll pay you 10% of my BoB earnings, and babe... with cash like that, you can say goodbye to this crummy old night club.
Tifa: ... Well... this isn't a nightclub... but sure! I'd absolutely love to manage you... hell, I'd like to do a bit more than that, if you know what I mean...
Axl: Really? Good. Because I need a chauffer. I have NO idea how to drive, and as I probably won't be earning enough to pay for a real chauffer, I think you'll do. Oh, and I could also use a personal bell-boy. ... girl. Put this guitar in its case and put it in my limo along with my other stuff, would ya babe? Thanks.
Tifa: ... Actually, I was thinking of something a bit more personal than a bell-boy or a chauffer... I was thinking of something along the lines of-
Axl: Assistant! Good idea. That pretty much covers the whole field, doesn't it? Good, because I'm starving and I could really use a nice chef. And my place is a mess, so a maid would work wonders. An assistant? I could probably pay to do just about anything I wanted. ... Hmm... that gives me an idea... Now, don't slap me for this, but...
Tifa: Oh, thank you! You just made me the luckiest girl on Earth! 2 times in the bed with the world's GREATEST Rock Star, David Bowie!!! Thank you Mr. Bowie! Or should I call you Ziggy? Ooo, wait till I tell all my friends that I slept with Ziggy Stardust!!! Ieee!!! *takes Axl's guitar and hurries off to pack up his things*
Axl: ... That's strange. Noone's ever gotten THAT excited about cleaning my jockstrap collection... And who in the lime green hell is this David Bowie, and why do people keep getting the two of us confused. Hm, well, he must get the same association all the time. *Looks out at the gathered mass of shriveled up, snoring golden oldies* The manager of this club really needs to stop serving so much alcohol to these people. They've already passed out, and it's not even 4 pm! This city has really gone down hill...
[Axl shakes his head before heading out the door... as the camera fades to black.]
- rock on... -