Post by $hane |-|orn 3ryant on Feb 16, 2010 11:05:52 GMT -5
[The scene opens to a small shack, with a sign on the door ; "Hierarchy Control Center"]
[...]
[DAMMIT! The Hierarchy is BACK! Curses!!!~!1a]
From inside: Ok Steve, get the first tape ready... Tony, do you have the second?
Tony: Yup!
Steve: And mine's all set, boss!
Voice: Alrighty... let's roll.
[The camera opens up inside, where Axl is sitting... in between former Hierarchy members, Tony Spaghetti, and Steve Roydz... all three of them sitting at tv sets.]
Axl: BOB... This is, of course, your Savior. And tonight, I will be presenting you all, LIVE... on tape... from right here, the Hierarchy Control Center, in Nowhere, Oklahoma... the ONLY birthday celebration dedicated to THE most elite stable in the history of Brawlers! ... Next to the Hierarchy of course.
Tony: And iAd!
Steve: And sWo!
Tony: ...
Axl: Uhm...
Steve: No?
Tony: I think you may be a bit off there...
Axl: What else is new... but anyway! Tonight, we celebrate the birthday of Totally Face! Now, I know we're a couple of days off, but who the fuck cares, honestly. ... But anyfuck, Steve has a tape of Massively Cool, and Tony, a tape of Totally Dead. And together, this IS...
----------------------------------
Totally MASSIVE~!!!1a
----------------------------------
Axl: See what I did there? Put the 'massive' in all caps, cuz it's... big. ... Fuck it. Steve, roll that beautiful bean footage!
Steve: ... Zuh?
Axl: ROLL THE TAPE!!!
Steve: Ai yai capitan!
...
===========
Massively Cool
===========
Match 1 :
--------------
[Back to the ballroom. "Soemwhere I Belong" by Linkin Park is playing. The mysterious Soem Guy In A Mask steps out wearing all black and a "Come Get Soem" T-shirt. He apparently is looking to slap hands, but nobody offers any. Poor guy.]
NH: The following is a Fourplay Match. Introducing first, he hails from Soemwhere and weighs soemthing, this is Soem Guy In A Mask.
Styles: This is a return of sorts for Soem Guy...I think. There was a Soem Guy In A Mask who appeared in BOB previously in 2000. Does that look like the same guy to you?
SW: All masked jobbers look the same to me, Styles. Though he does have a nice ass.
Styles: Excuse me?
SW: Did I say that out loud?
Styles: You most certainly did.
SW: Shit, am I turning gay? I know I've heard of heel turns, but GAY turns? Oh man...*Slap slap slap* Get it together Scotty. That's a dude!
Styles: Yeah, keep going. Scotty is slapping himself silly.
Voiceover: REGENERATION X!
["Regeneration X" by Mark Rushton (Random Screaming BOB Catchphrase Remix hits. There is an immediate shrill cheering from the ladies in the crowd, but they are booed down by the men. Gee, where have I seen that before?]
NH: Introducing next, from Kent, Ohio, weighing 180 pounds, this is Jim "Totally Packaged."
SW: Speaking of total packages, did you hear that Lex Luger recently ripped off Jeff Jarrett's finishing move?
Styles: No.
SW: Yeah. He I heard he used the stroke on himself! BWAHAHAHA!
Styles: Oh my GOD, Scotty! That man was in the hospital. Besides, it was an infection, anyway, not a stroke.
SW: Awww. Really? And I thought that joke was gold.
Styles: It was tasteless, as usual. Though I've come to expect it from you.
SW: Well, at least Jim will never have to worry about getting a stroke from too much steroid use. The only thing he'll have to worry about is his liver from all that drinking he does.
["Enter Kevin" by Vietellica plays next. Kevin stumbles out carrying something in his hand.]
Styles: Oh no.
NH: Introducing next, from Stinking Bay, Arkansas, weighing 82 pounds, this is Kevin the Pyromaniac.
SW: What is it, Styles?
Styles: I may be wrong, but I think Kevin is carrying around that mouse that pinned him earlier.
SW: What's the matter? You afraid he's gonna shove it up his ass, fart it out, light his fart and set the projectile mouse on fire?
Styles: I wasn't, but NOW I am.
SW: What were you worried about then?
Styles: I don't remember anymore.
["Under the Knife" by AC/DC plays. Dr. Thrilla gets the biggest pop of the bunch. Thrilla walks down the aisle and slides into the ring with his trusty rusty scalpel.]
NH: And finally, from Tijuana, Mexico, weighing 193 pounds, this is Dr. Thrilla.
SW: Hmm...maybe the mouse will get its intestines replaced with a rubber hose. That's Thrilla's specialty.
Styles: You've got to be worried if you're Dr. Thrilla.
SW: Of lawsuits?
Styles: Well, those too. I was referring to the iAd, who have assaulted Sir Zeno and Mr. Paradox already. And in a total coincidence, Queen Mylisiv was assaulted, almost rabidly, by Kay Fabe after losing her title. It looks like Thrilla and Kevin are going to start this one out.
SW: Is that a plastic bag?
Styles: Thrilla drops Kevin with a hard kick there. That may be it. One! Two! No? Kevin kicked out?
SW: He's putting the plastic bag over Dr. Thrilla's face. That mouse is in there, and I don't like that mouse's odds against Thrilla's bear trap teeth! He may pull an Ozzy Osbourne.
Styles: Thrilla is trapped in plastic bag with that mouse. And Thrilla isn't moving too much. Kevin heads up top. Oh no!
*WHOOOSH*
Styles: His elbow pad is on fire. Flaming elbow drop!
[There is a collective gasp from the crowd as Kevin is sprayed with a fire extinguisher by the Flunky. Kevin lays around selling the extinguisher blast for a few seconds.]
No mouse was hurt during the filming of this match....it was killed instantly....thank you....
SW: Thrilla's cutting his way free using his scalpel. And Thrilla can breathe again and is gasping for air.
Styles: This is one of the strangest starts to a match I've seen in a while.
SW: Thrilla can't wrestle his way out of a plastic bag, huh?
Styles: Apparently not. Jim just tagged himself in and will try and combat Kevin the Pyromaniac's flammable offense. Kevin charges at Jim.
SW: Ooooooh, now that's a crotch chop.
Crowd: Wooooo!
Styles: Knife-edge chop to Kevin's lower-abdominal area. Damn. Jim pulls up Kevin. Gorilla press slam. It's not often Jim pulls out that one. Jim off the ropes. Flying forearm of doom takes Kevin down again. And Kevin just tagged in Soem Guy.
SW: This should be....soemthing.
Styles: Both men circling each other. Are you staring at his ass, Scotty?
SW: ...No. Fuck you.
Styles: Soem Guy charges, but right into a heel kick from Jim. Soem Guy bails out to the floor. Incoming! Jim with a cross body to the floor. Jim sending Soem Guy back into the ring for soem more punishment.
SW: So if this is a Fourplay match, does that mean only chicks watching are enjoying this right now? Because I sure as hell am not.
Styles: Jim is dominating at the moment. Soem Guy tags out to Kevin. Jim hooks him. Nice powerbomb. Oh, now Jim's going for an Ohio cloverleaf! He's got Kevin locked in.
SW: Kevin just pulled out the lighter fluid. Oh man, he's spraying his ass with lighter fluid.
*FRAAAAAP*
*WHOOOSH*
Styles: And that's one way to break a submission hold. With a flaming fart.
[Flunky sprays Kevin and Jim with the fire extinguisher.]
SW: I smell burnt ass hair. Sick!
Styles: Kevin sacrificing his own body there. Thrilla clanging at Jim. Apparently Thrilla wants a piece of Kevin for that plastic bag incident earlier in the match. And here he comes. Oh MAN. Thrilla unloading on Kevin here.
SW: Oh man. He's biting Kevin's hand with those metal chompers now.
Styles: This one sure isn't for wrestling purists. This one is ugly and disturbing.
SW: Yeah, Ted's gonna bash the hell out of this match.
Styles: Don't worry, he's not doing recaps anymore.
SW: Oh, really? I really should visit the BOB site more often.
Styles: There's a tag for Soem Guy. Springboard hoodanconrana! That was soem hoodanconrana, Scotty. Spin kick. Spin jab. Wow, what technique. I wonder if Soem Guy knows soem karate or martial arts.
SW: I wonder if Kevin has been taking lessons on being a punching bag, because if so, he's a pro at it. Soem Guy is putting the hurt on that green-haired teenage goof.
Styles: Tag back in to Thrilla.
SW: I'm sooo bored, Styles. Why can't it be tomorrow and I'm watching the Patriots and Colts in the Game Of The Century™ and drinking beer?
Styles: Life is so tough, Scotty, I know. Kevin's tags Jim. Soem Guy charges, but right into a Krew Kutter! Here comes Thrilla. Krew Kutter for Thrilla. Cover on Soem Guy! One! Two and no! Soem Guy soemhow kicked out. Jim might have gotten the pin if not for Dr. Thrilla getting involved there.
SW: Kevin's boots were made for burning.
Styles: Flaming dropkick takes down Jim!
[Flunky sprays Kevin again with the extinguisher, knocking him over.]
Styles: Everybody is down and out. Thrilla's up first. Soem Guy charges, Thrilla ducks. Sunset flip! One! Two! Kevin with a crossbody of sorts! One! Two! Soem Guy kicks out. Jim's back up. He's got Kevin! Fisherman Krewplex! One! Two! Soem Guy with a springboard splash! Cover! One! Two! Thrilla breaks it up! Wow, the pace picked up in this one.
SW: Well, anything looks like an improvement when you're starting at zero miles an hour.
Styles: Thrilla grabs Kevin. Powerbomb coming up. Hold on... Oh my GOD!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Oh man!
Styles: How do you describe that one, Scotty?
SW: Well...Thrilla was trying for a powerbomb on Kevin, then Jim and Soem Guy came up from behind him and hit a double back suplex sort of thing, which simultaneously drove Kevin face first into the mat!
Styles: I've never seen anything like that before.
SW: That's because any sane people would never try crazy bumps like that!
Styles: It's safe to say Kevin won't be much of a factor in this one for the rest of the way. Oh man! Soem Guy just connected with one hell of a superkick to Jim.
[Jim collapses throat first on the middle rope.]
Styles: Soem Guy looking to hit the 555?
SW: 555? Oh, I get it, instead of the 619. How clever, Styles.
Styles: 555 connects. Soem Guy's on the apron. Here comes the Soem Kind Of Finisher! HOODANCANRANA ROLLUP! ONE! TWO! THREE? HEGOTHIM!
SW: What? Jim jobbed to a masked jobber? Who did HE piss off?
================================================
Axl: HAAAAAAAAAAAAA ha. ... HA!
Steve: Yup, we're royally pissing all over THEIR grave, aren't we boss?!
Axl: HELLZ yeah! And the fun's just begun! Get to the next clip!
Steve: No problemo...
...
--------------
Match 2 :
--------------
[Back in the ballroom, "Smooth Operator" by Sade is playing. But, Nurse Heidi is not there to ring announce, and there is no replacement due to what could be politely called disorganization.]
SW: Oh, this one's gonna be good. But it's almost not a fair fight.
Styles: Really?
SW: Yeah, Nurse Heidi's gonna kill Axl.
Styles: The Sinister Surgeon, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants getting a mixture of cheers and boos from the Sin City crowd. Plants is the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer alive today.
SW: No doubt. That's why these sinners have to show him some respect. Unlike his partner...
Styles: Is Nick at Night ready for Axl Van Goth?
SW: I know it's ready for one naughty nurse.
["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz hits. Boos. Lots of boos. The boos get even louder when they realize he has a microphone.]
Axl: I told you all I was your savior, but you didn't believe me. You're just like the Jews.
SW: BWAHAHAHA! He did NOT just say that!
The views of Axl do not necessarily reflect the views of anybody in Brawlers On a Budget, or its sponsors....thank you.....
Axl: Sil, I told you I had a plan for our match. And it's a blackly evil plan. While I was discussing bringing BOB back to cable television, there was a deal made. In exchange for me making it happen, BigBOSS agreed to a little addition to our match tonight. So, please welcome our special guest timekeeper, Brother Joey!
[Brother Joey walks out wearing a white wig, a white beard, a long robe and carrying a large face clock. He is greeted with boos as he heads to ringside.]
SW: What's this, Nostradanus?
Axl: Please welcome our special guest enforcer, Brother Jimmy!
[Brother Jimmy walks out in a vintage Four Horsemen T-shirt, a bald cap, a beard, and black shorts with the letters AA on his crotch. He is booed as he holds up four fingers in the air and walks down the aisle.]
SW: Not my dog spot, not my liver spot, my spot.
Styles: That wasn't funny then, and it's not funny now, Scotty.
SW: You sure? You don't find anything funny.
Styles: I wouldn't say that. It's pretty funny when you get your ass kicked.
Axl: And please welcome, our special guest ring announcer...Brother Johnny!
[Nobody comes out for several seconds.]
Axl: I said...BROTHER JOHNNY!
[Still nothing for several seconds. Axl walks to the back. There is some loud indecipherable shouting, before Axl pulls out Brother Johnny, who is dressed up like a nurse. A mini-skirt, big fake hooters and even the little white nurse cap. The crowd turns up the boos even more.]
Styles: Is it just me, or did you always figure Axl would be the first one we'd say dressed in women's clothing?
SW: It's not just you. This is so lame, Styles.
Styles: He could have at least shaved his legs.
SW: Um...what?
Axl: Now do your thing, Nurse Johnny.
Styles: Plants is just looking at this, dumbfounded.
Nurse Johnny: The following contest is a pick your opponent's partner tag team match.
[He adjusts his fake boobs. There is a wolf-whistle from the crowd.]
NJ: Introducing first, a man who should have retired years ago. He hails from the retirement home, this is Dr. Untal N. Ted!
Styles: NIPPLE CUTTER!
Axl: You can't do that to Nurse Johnny! God, life sucks!
SW: SMP is chasing after Axl!
["The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang hits. Pretty good pop as Heidi steps out in some scrubs. Even bigger pop as Heidi rips off her top and pulls down her pants to reveal a tight white top with a couple of red crosses where her nipples are, and white panties.]
SW: HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA! Oh BAY!! Heid's not loked tat gud in WAO!!
Styles: Scotty, please! Get a hold of yourself.
SW: I do have a hold of myself, Styles! Oh BAY!Y
Styles: My apologies for the unintelligible Scotty Whatbody, who apparently hasn't seen a sexy women in her underwear in a long, long time. She's looking so good that Scotty's channeling XXXtreme Machine.
SW: She's seriously going to wrestle in THAT? This is what EVERY match should have!
Styles: For this match, Nurse Heidi can wrestle either SMP or Axl.
SW: Ohhhh, she has on boots and wrestling gear?
Styles: You just got down below her thighs, huh?
SW: Had to work my way down. Won't make that mistake anymore. She could have had on high-heels. Knee pads, sure, that's cool.
Styles: Oh, Scotty!
SW: What? They come in handy!
["I Am The Champion" by Death & The Deathtones plays next. The crowd is still so focused on Heidi they barely even notice Death walk down the aisle and get in the ring.]
Axl: And your special guest color commentator for the match....Axl.
Death: Hello? Do I even exist? Who do I have to kill around here to get some attention? Only the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS here.
Styles: Oh great. Axl's joining us on commentary, Scotty.
SW: Good. Put him in the puke puddle.
Styles: Hello, Axl. You're not going to help out your tag team partner?
Axl: Bow down before BOB's savior.
SW: No thanks. I don't eat sausage.
Axl: What did you ask me, Styles? Help Sil? I have far more important things to do tonight, Styles. To start with, I have a brand new poem I'd like to debut for the world.
SW: A poem? I was hoping for a suicide note.
Axl: I call this one..."Death Deserved."
What have you wrought?
A miasma of shock as affections creep.
Once we shared wonder,
virginal and glad-hearted,
but your thirst died.
A sickening morass of darkness -
tears follow blood, follow rain,
love burnt to ashes.
In a torrent of vengeance,
I still love you.
SW: That the best you got?
Axl: Can you do better?
SW: Probably. Let's see...roses are red, violens are blue, that poem sucked...fuck you?
Axl: You will rot in the depths of depthitude for such insolence!
SW: What?
Styles: This one is ready to begin.
Axl: Ring the bell, Brother Joey!
*DING DING DING*
[Death hits Joey with the Touch of Death. Joey tips over and slams into the floor. That gets a good pop from the crowd.]
Death: Yeah, how about that?
SW: I hope he doesn't expose himself.
Styles: Death, or Axl?
SW: Ewww.
Axl: I'll expose myself as the greatest only world champion that matters.
SW: What was that?
Axl: What?
SW: Right there is your whole...never mind, you've got far BIGGER problems, most notably the fact that you're not mesmerized by Heidi's bouncing fun bags.
Styles: Scotty?
SW: Huh?
Styles: What was your point?
SW: What? Sorry? Huh?
Styles: Forget it. Axl, your special ring announcer's been knocked out. Your timekeeper's been killed. The odds aren't as stacked anymore.
Axl: Have no fear, mortal! I still have my enforcer Brother Jimmy. He'll unleash his spinebuster of doom upon any who try to get out of line and mock the Metal God!
Styles: Uh-huh. Well...I guess SMP is going to start. But who against? Will it be his valet, or will it be against Death, the man he will face at--
Deep Voice: MEGABRAWL!
Styles: Yeah, at--
Deep Voice: MEGABRAWL!
Axl: All I know tonight, M.S., is Sil is gonna (deep voice) MEGAJOB! I have another poem I'd like to debut. This is called "Ode to Darkness."
I am swimming in my own despair
Twisting
Trembling
No one understands my thoughts
I saw the eyes of Death...
The blade kisses me deeply
The rush of the razor is the sweetest pain
The clock is made of blood
Broken
I am fallen and will never rise
I will conquer my teachers with powers of darkness
Endless industrial music
SW: Even suckier than the last one, Axl.
Styles: We're finally ready to get this one started. And it's going to be Death and SMP to start things off in a preview of--
Deep Voice: MEGABRAWL!
Styles: Death with a headlock.
SW: Will you stop writing poetry?
Axl: Never!
Styles: Plants is in the ropes. Clean break by Death.
SW: I'm just shocked Death's first offensive move wasn't a knee lift. Though I'm sure it's coming, since he only has a few moves. I wish Heidi had a hula-hoop.
Styles: And Scotty's brain just left us again. Lockup again. SMP powering Death into the corner. There's a chop.
*RATTLE*
Crowd: Woooooo!
*RATTLE*
Styles: Another chop!
Crowd: Wooooo!
Styles: SMP drives an elbow into Death's skull. Death crawling away. He's extending his hand to Heidi.
NH: No way, Death! I'm not touching your hand!
Death: What? Why? Oh, is it the whole instantly killing you thing?
NH: Yeah!
Death: *Sigh*
NH: Here!
[Heidi hands Death a rubber hand.]
Death: Dude...
NH: Do it. Or I'm not gonna save your bony butt.
[Death takes the hand and extends the rubber hand to Heidi.]
NH: Was that so hard?
Styles: And we've finally got a tag.
SW: I've been waiting for this for years!
Styles: For Plants and Heidi to wrestle?
SW: No, for her to lose her top in a match again! There's no way that top can contain those jugs.
Axl: My anguish spews forth clandestine decay.
Styles: And here we go. Heidi and Styles one-on-one.
SW: Amazingly, I think more people would pay for this match than SMP vs. Death at--
Deep Voice: MEGA-
SW: Yeah, we get it. Enough already.
Deep Voice: ...BRAWL!
Axl: My soul...is like poison!
SW: I hope one day you find your Romeo so the two of you can drink some.
Axl: My mascara cannot hide the tears in my eyes.
Styles: Heidi with a headlock! SMP reverses and puts Heidi into a hammerlock. Heidi's bending over, trying to take out...uh...SMP's legs.
SW: Now THAT's gotta be a familiar position for these two. I'm sure Heidi's just used to be bent over a chair right here.
*SMACK SMACK SMACK*
SW: There's some Greco-Roman butt bongo by SMP!
Styles: SMP avoiding her attempts as he is literally, well, spanking her so far. Heidi sneaks out. Heidicanrana on Plants! And listen to the crowd!
Fan: Take off your top!
Styles: Death looking to get back into this match. He extends his rubber hand and Death gets the tag.
Axl: The Gothic booker is at his table,
thinking of funny lines to entertain his four readers.
His computer is empty,
jobbers and stereotypes pass in and out of his mind's eye.
But the author is tired.
He is now 29 years old.
He has written many shows.
A crumpled bottle of water is at his feet.
This will be a quiet death.
His legacy won't last.
The gimmicks he has created
will live in Imagination Land.
And be forgotten
once his credit card is rejected by GoDaddy.
Styles: What the hell are you blabbering on about, Axl?
Axl: Triple cages and deserted deserts,
all scenes for bloodshed.
The Strapping Young Lad blares.
The author with an ancient liver wants to go dream.
These will be his last thoughts.
Is this gothic poem parody even funny?
Glerp!
SW: Uhhh...Alright. That was...different. What do you call that one?
Axl: Die, Trey, Die.
SW: Oh man. Haven't you been watching what they've been doing tonight?
Axl: He's an old-timer. It's time for him to move on.
Styles: There's a knee lift for SMP. Side slam! One! Two and no. The Sinister Surgeon kicks out.
SW: Death just exhausted his whole move set there.
Styles: Elbow drop misses. SMP punching away on Death. Death goes down. SMP with a double stomp to Death's ribcage.
Axl: I have another poem to share with you all. I call this one, Untitled.
The night falls as if slain by the sun, entwined are we.
The salvation for which you sacrifice yourself
flares once, then dies,
swept away by a velvet ebon nothingness.
All hope must sicken and die.
Your soul thrives no more.
How could you hate me?
Our dark thoughts surround us, crying,
save us from ourselves.
Styles: Heidi's back in. Dropkick to Plants! She gets on top.
SW: Another familiar spot for her.
Styles: One! Two! No. Plants with a drop toe hold. And...there's some amateur wrestling from Plants. He's got her from behind.
SW: Amateur? I thought they called that doggy-style?
*SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK*
Styles: And there are some more spanks for Heidi.
SW: I hear Studnuts spanks her harder. That's why she likes him better.
Styles: Who told you that?
SW: Studnuts, of course!
Styles: Heidi tags out once again. If I were Plants, I wouldn't be messing around with Heidi too much. She's starting to get pissed off in there.
SW: See? This is why we stopped mixing the boys and the girls together. The girls just can't take being inferior to the men.
Axl: I have more poetry. Tremble before my goth haiku!
My thrall forgot to
lightproof my room before day.
Now I am ash. Damn.
SW: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Styles: *Snort* Goth haiku!
[Five minutes later.]
Styles: I'm sorry fans. I know there's a match going on. But that poorly composed minimalist goth poetry just was hilarious.
SW: Is there more?
Axl: You aren't worthy, normal. I'll kick your ass and not even smear my eyeliner.
SW: Right. Hey!
Styles: SMP just grabbed Axl by the hair, and he's dragging him to the ring! He's got him to his corner. And SMP just tagged Axl into this match for the first time.
SW: Awesome. No more bad goth poetry. I can focus all my attention right where it belongs.
Styles: On the match?
SW: Of course not, on Heidi's tits!
Styles: And SMP is leaving!
SW: Brilliant. Axl's stuck in a two-on-one match now!
Styles: Bony foot to Axl's face takes him down. I think Axl's about to take a ride to the Netherworld. Did Heidi just tag in? Is she crazy? Death has Axl up. What is this? OH MY GOD! Netherworld powerbomb, combined with a neckbreaker from Heidi from the top rope! And what a way for Axl to start off in this match.
SW: It serves him right for us having to listen to that lame poetry. What is he, 16?
Styles: Heidi and Death whip Axl into the ropes. Double flapjack plants Axl face first into the mat. And the crowd is loving this.
Crowd: Show your tits! Show your tits!
[Death pulls aside a bit of his black robe where his chest would be, if he had a chest. But alas, no, only bones.]
SW: Not you!
Styles: Death showing his non-existent breasts to the crowd. Heidi and Death are waiting on Axl to get up. TOTAL ELIMINATION! One! Two! Damnit! Jimmy just broke it up with...is that a woman's shoe?
SW: He must've taken it off that cross-dresser.
Styles: TOUCH OF DEATH on Jimmy! Now what? Death's got Axl up on his shoulders. Heidi's up top. No way! Heidicanrana! And the crowd is loving this! But Death and Heidi STILL aren't done having their way with Axl.
SW: Oh, how I'd love to have my way with Heidi!
Styles: Death's got Axl set up...not ANOTHER Netherworld Powerbomb! Heidi's on the top rope! Dropkick! Netherworld Powerbomb! Heidi's got the cover! One! Two! Three! SHEGOTHIM! Unbelievable!
SW: Yeah! How did her top stay on?
NH: Here are your winners *pant pant* ME and Death!
Styles: And she even gets to announce her own victory. What a night for Nurse Heidi!
================================================
Axl: ...
Steve: ... Whoops?
Axl: YOU DIE NOW!!!
Steve: Hold on, hold on, I've got one more...
Axl: This BETTER be good...
...
----------------
Match #3 :
----------------
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is the main event of Massively Cool, and it is for the Swiss Army Belt!
["Rising Sun" by Bexta hits. The lights dim, leaving nothing but black and green lighting. After several seconds, Seth Harker walks out, getting booed loudly by the crowd. Harker stands at the entryway for a few seconds, slowly soaking in the scene before he walks down the aisle.]
SW: What's going on? Where's the slow-motion?
Styles: I think we blew the budget with "Cash Taxi" earlier.
SW: Well, at least it doesn't seem to be bothering Seth. Nothing ever does when he's making his entrance.
Styles: Really? You don't think ANYTHING would bother him?
SW: Hmm...
Fan 1: I totally BONED Kay Fabe! She begged me to stop, but I didn't! And then I dump trucked her!
[No reaction from Seth. He keeps walking down the aisle.]
Fan 2: Hey, buddy, you got the time?
[Fan 2 points at his wrist, which doesn't have a watch.]
Fan 2: And do you know where the bathroom is, too?
[Fan 2 now points at his crotch. Seth pays no attention.]
Fan 2: Thanks, Keandouche!
Mr. Leary: Hey, Seth, can you do a promo for your big match against Massive Man? Something funny, or serious, or funnious. Whatever works. And have you seen any MSTable feds? Hit me up on AIM, bro!
[Totally f'n ignored.]
Mr. Leary: WTF?
Man In Dark Suit and Glasses: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Harker. You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, you are mistaken.
Ring Rat: Oh yeah, Seth motorboated me! *Coughack*
[Seth readjusts his shades and heads into the ring.]
Styles: There you go. Try as you might, but nothing can distract him.
SW: Yep. Stupid fans, annoying bookers, "Matrix" ripoffs and skanky ring rats all have no impact on Seth. This was actually pretty tame.
Styles: Yep. I think that was the rest of the budget. Anything else happens, and we're looking at a loss.
Voiceover: REGENERATION-X!
["Regeneration X" by Mark Rushton (Random Screaming BOB Catchphrase Remix) hits next. Massive Man steps out to cheers from the ladies. Before he realizes what's happening, the ring rat shoves her tongue down his throat as he steps out. Massive Man shoves her off, but it takes some effort.]
SW: Oh man.
MMR1: Where's Jim? He said he'd have my back?
[Cut backstage.]
SW: Look at that. Jim's taking a nap next to that headstone of...Chris Benoit?
Styles: Oh boy. I don't think he's sleeping. I think he was attacked!
SW: By who?
Styles: Isn't it pretty obvious?
SW: No.
Styles: (Beat) Somebody attacked Jim!
SW: Soem...body? Soem Guy In A Mask?
Styles: Possibly! Or maybe it's whoever attacked him last month! Or maybe it's...it's...
SW: The spirit of Chris Benoit, who finds himself entrapped in the body of Kay Fabe?
Styles: You noticed?
SW: I doubt it was she/he. She/he only seemed to want at Massive Man. Although, just imagine if you COULD combine the wrestling of Benoit and the knockers of Kay Fabe.
Styles: Well, Chris always did like to hold secondary titles. And the Swiss Army Belt is as secondary as you get in BOB. Plus, there was the whole making fun of the tragedy through several promos and tasteless jokes that Re-X did. Well, both men are in the ring, let's send it to Heidi.
NH: This match is set for one fall. Introducing first, the challenger. From Parts Unknown. He weighs in tonight at 217 and 15-16ths. He is the Darksider, and is one-third of the incurable Apathy disorder, Seth Harker!
[He gets mostly jeered, aside from the fans who likes cool heels and the Internet marks who praise his ungodly work rate. One of them holds up a sign: "***3/4 Without Run-Ins." We'll see...]
Styles: Looks like many are expecting a match of the year candidate out of these two.
SW: *Pfffft* Only if every chick on the roster comes out and has an orgy in the middle of this one.
NH: And his opponent, the reigning and defending holder of the Swiss Army Belt. From Kent, Ohio. He weighs in tonight at 190 and 63-64ths. He is the Sensei of Joshitude, and is one-half of Re-Generation-X. Massive Man Rendition First.
Styles: I can't wait to see this one. Generic Ref calling for the bell, and here we go. Lock up in center ring, no, Massive Man with a drop toe hold to start this one out. A bit of trickery early on by Massive Man, and he's got to do things like that to stay a step ahead of the very dangerous challenger.
SW: Yeah, being trippy ain't gonna win the match, Styles.
Styles: Lock up. Harker with a go-behind. And Harker trips up Massive Man. But Harker doesn't let Massive Man back up, locking on a front chancery. Massive Man pushes his way up. Massive Man trying to throw Harker off here, but Harker floats behind. Harker runs to the ropes. Beautiful delayed twisting mid-air kick takes Massive Man down.
SW: *Sigh* Where's the car crash spotfest? These guys should be through about twenty tables and off three ladders or so by now. Damn, we need a bigger budget.
Styles: Lockup again, and Massive Man goes to work on Harker's arm. Harker reverses. Maybe Vincent and Studnuts had something to do with Jim's attack?
SW: They already assaulted him with a cake earlier. It could be.
Styles: Hold on! One! Only one, as Massive Man with a quick rollup to free himself from the arm work. Harker looking to take home his first BOB singles championship tonight.
SW: Hold on. He held a singles title before. Remember? He had the old hardcore title. And he lost the title TO the title.
Styles: Oh, right. Man, how could I forget that?
SW: No wonder why my back's hurting. I have to carry your ass once again to another outstanding commentary track.
Styles: What would I do without you. Oh wait. I know. I'd have a bunch of more entertaining color commentators come in.
SW: They were not better than me! Stop lying!
Styles: Massive Man with a slam, but Harker holds onto his arm and has an arm-scissor locked on. VERY nicely done by Harker. Massive Man trying to find a way out of this painful submission.
SW: I hope he finds it. Maybe he can find a way out of this painful boredom for me while he's at it. Oh wait, there we go.
Styles: Open up your eyes, Scotty.
SW: Anything I imagine has GOT to be better than this portion of the match. I don't need wrestling foreplay. That's all this shit is.
Styles: Harker lets the move go and pulls up Massive Man. Short-arm hoodanconrana? I've NEVER seen that one before! Wow!
SW: Awww! Serious?
Styles: You missed it, Scotty.
SW: That sounds kinda sweet, actually.
Styles: Harker takes Massive Man down with an armdrag. And there's a dropkick right to Massive Man's face. Massive Man looking for a timeout on the floor. But Harker looking for more. He's up top! Cross body from the top to the floor! And that brings the crowd to their feet.
SW: Now we're talking. There's nothing better than two poor guys beating the crap out of each other and destroying their bodies for my amusement.
Styles: Harker trying a suplex on the floor, but Massive Man blocks it. Oh! Harker just dropped ribs first over the Flimsy Guardrail®! Oh my GOD! Massive Man just planted him with a DDT on the floor!
SW: Look out. Harker's gushing blood after that one!
Styles: Harker's busted over his right eye after that brutal DDT on the floor. Massive Man launches himself onto the guardrail and connects with a leg drop on the floor. Massive Man doing a little showboating here, Scotty. That could come back to haunt him later on.
SW: Yeah, and so could Chris Benoit.
Styles: Harker slammed hard. Massive Man heading to the second rope.
MMR1: Yodelayheehoo!
Styles: Yodeling elbow drop connects! One! Two! Harker kicks out. Massive Man stomps on Harker and now dragging him up. Looks like Massive Man wants a superplex here. Harker fighting back. Harker...sunset flip bomb! One! Two! Massive Man rolls free just in time. Harker connected with that kick. And there's a spinning heel kick. Third time isn't the charm, Massive Man caught him.
SW: Massive Man about to play some kick balls?
Styles: Harker's enzugeri attempt just missed. How the HELL did he do that? Reverse enzugeri nearly took off Massive Man's head.
SW: Yeah. That move just dropped the temperature two degrees, it was so cool.
Styles: Was that sarcasm?
SW: I'm not sure. Though Heidi's nipples are quite erect.
Styles: Are you able to make any jokes anymore than don't involve either sex or something completely tasteless about death or tragedy?
SW: It doesn't seem like it, does it? It has been a looong show. Plus, I'm a victim of my own success, I guess. Sex jokes equal L-O-Ls.
Styles: Harker up top! Frog splash misses. Massive Man rolled right out of the way. And now Massive Man is quickly heading up top. But Harker's back up. Oh NO! Splash Mountain powerbomb by Massive Man! One! Two and NO! Somehow Massive Man kicked out.
SW: Man, Harker's heading back up again? He should get busted open more often. He's going crazy in there.
Styles: Senton OH MAN! Massive Man got both knees up! Harker in some serious pain now. Back cracker by Massive Man! One! Two! No! Harker kicked out. Massive Man looking a little frustrated with Generic Ref.
SW: He isn't the first, and he won't be the last. But he's all we can afford.
Styles: Massive Man has Harker up. Double underhook into a backbreaker. Massive Man working on Harker's back now. And Massive Man just grinding his knees into Harker's spine! How brutal! And Massive Man's got him locked now in a camel clutch. And Massive Man punching the open wound over Harker's eye.
SW: Harker hasn't been this bloody since that one time Kay got her period mid-coitus.
Styles: Oh, Scotty! That's disgusting.
SW: You're welcome.
Styles: Harker trying to power his way up. Uh-oh. He's got Massive Man's legs hooked. What the hell? Oh my GOD!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Styles: Both men just went flying through the middle and top rope to the floor! That's one EXTREME way to break up the camel clutch!
SW: Seth must be killing too many brain cells drinking with the iAd! Is he crazy?
Styles: That death dive broke up the hold, but both men are hurting after it. Harker trying to climb back in. Massive Man back up. Neckbreaker connects as they go through the ropes back into the ring! Cover! One! Two! Harker's foot is on the ropes.
SW: There's Harker's apathy showing. Too lazy to even kick out.
Styles: Lazy? This match is taking a toll on both men!
SW: No way, Styles. He's too apathetic to kick out anymore.
Styles: Massive Man's got Harker up. Atomic drop. And Massive Man off the ropes with a running lariat. One! Two! No! Harker kicked out that time, Scotty. Now Massive Man looking to go high-risk. Harker's up!
Styles: NO WAY! Top rope HARKERCONRANA! Are you kidding me? Cover! One! Two! NO! Massive Man kicked out! That was close, Scotty.
SW: They went down faster than a senator in a men's restroom stall!
Styles: Both men are exhausted. Harker on his knees. And there's a...one inch eye poke?
SW: Yep. Extremely short, but extremely pokey.
Styles: Variation on his one-inch punch maneuver, I guess. Massive Man with an elbow to Harker's jaw. Harker with a chop.
Crowd: Woooo!
Styles: Massive Man with an uppercut. And another. And another. Harker responds with a kick to Massive Man's right arm. And another. Uh-oh! HELLO! Low blow city there by Massive Man, who is quickly to the middle rope. Leap Of Fate connects! That could be it! One! Two! And.....NO! Harker once again will not quit.
Crowd: Ohhhhh!
Styles: Good night! Massive Man just went to pick up Harker and he got a brutal kick to the skull! One! TWO! NO! Massive Man kicks out. Harker's got Massive Man. Suplex. And now Harker's putting him into position. We may be about to see a Shooting Seth Press! Harker's up top! But Massive Man oooooh!
SW: I think Harker's gonna have an incurable testicle disorder after the way he just landed.
Styles: Is Massive Man trying for a Krew Kutter from there? This could finish Harker right here. Harker's got his feet hooked. Oh my GOD! Harker just reversed into an inverted tornado DDT! But he can't make the cover! The Swiss Army Belt is on the line. But Harker's lost a lot of blood. It may be too much, Scotty.
SW: Yep. We waste more blood in 20 minutes than the Red Cross gets donated in a day.
Styles: Massive Man is up first. He's got Harker. Suplex. He hangs on. A second suplex! He's trying to get up Harker for a third suplex. No! Brainbuster! This one's all over now. Cover! One! Two! Three-NO! Harker kicked out! I don't believe it!
SW: Did you just see that? Generic Ref just got hit in the head with something.
Styles: Is that a HOCKEY PUCK in the ring?
["Whatever" by Our Lady Place hits.]
Styles: Oh for the love of...
SW: Hey, this is a catchy little tune. It seems somewhat familiar...hmm...
[Kay Fabe walks out, still in her Edmonton Oilers jersey and yellow tights. She quickly runs into the ring and gets behind Massive Man as he gets up.]
SW: Kay with a chop!
Crowd: Ehhhh?
Styles: Another chop!
Crowd: Ehhhh?
Styles: German suplex! And there it is! The Wiccan crossface is locked in! And Massive Man is tapping out!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! A girl made Massive Man tap out!
Styles: That's not just any girl. And you know what I mean!
SW: Yeah, yeah, it's Benoit's spirit. He's possessed Kay. I get it.
Styles: Here comes Jim! He's conscious again, but he's moving a little slowly. Oh, man! He's got an electric cord?
Jim: Let's see how YOU like it!
Seth: Don't you dare.
Styles: Oh, man. This is getting intense here.
SW: And confusing. Man. If Seth has sex with Kay when she's possessed by a dude, does that count as gay sex?
Styles: Scotty! Please! Harker and Jim now brawling. And here comes Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts. Oh, they just blindsided Jim. And now they're stomping away on Massive Man as well.
SW: Pigeon? What's he coming down here for?
Styles: Pigeon's in. He nails Trey! Pigeon Drop on Trey! But Studnuts has Pigeon up. Death Valley (Of The) NO! Pigeon got free. Pigeon Drop on Studnuts! Jim and Harker charge at Pigeon. He ducks. Double Pigeon Drop on Jim and Harker!
SW: What about this interference? What about this illegal interference by Pigeon!
Styles: The iAd and Kay Fabe started it.
[The lights go out.]
Noiseover: *RIIIIIIIIIIP*
Styles: The Undietaker!
SW: Is this match still going on? I guess it must be. Generic Ref is still out from that hockey puck. Who threw that?
Styles: Maybe it was Deus X. Masheena. Can you believe HE was here tonight?
SW: He's ALWAYS been here, Styles.
Styles: And here we go. Undietaker and Pigeon finally going at it. They're going toe to toe here. Hold on. douja just came down. He's attacking Studnuts on the floor. And here comes Insano Mano with a rake? Oh GOD! He just raked Vincent.
SW: He raped Vincent? What?
Styles: And here comes XXXtreme Machine. Oh, he just blindsided Mano. The only member of the XXXtremely bAd spelerz, or whatever he was calling his group earlier, coming to save his iAd buddies. Pete Trable? Why's HE out here?
SW: Yeah, he's been curtain jerking. Hmm...I'm guessing it has something to do with November in Nowhere. Must have some sort of fustercluck main event.
Styles: We've got more company! It's Kevin the Pyromaniac?
SW: OK, this is getting ridiculous now. Axl's out here too? And look! SMP and Death are brawling up at the entryway. Who the FUCK is this guy? Some fan?
Styles: No! That's Booger!
Booger: Prepare to be spooninated!
PT: Look out! He's got a spoon!
Styles: And BOB's newest member is unloading with his spoon! Down goes Trable! Down goes Kevin! Down goes XXXtreme Machine! And down goes Mano. Booger is cleaning house.
SW: I'd almost be impressed if he didn't have that giant snot hanging out of his nose.
Styles: Booger is the last man standing? Are you kidding me? Booger has cleared the ring. There are still fights going on around the ring...where did SMP and Death end up?
SW: I lost track of them.
Styles: Booger just grabbed Harker. He's about to be spooninated!
SH: There is no spoon. There is no spoon.
SW: Oh yes there is! Spoon, meet throat. And Harker is down and out. And look who's just coming to. Generic Ref is waking up.
Generic Ref: Zoot!
Styles: Massive Man crawling to make the cover. Not like this! He gets a hand on Harker. One!......Two!.........THREE! HEGOTHIM!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner....and STILL Swiss Army Belt champion....Massive Man Rendition First!
SW: This show should have been called Massively Clusterfucked. What a mess.
Styles: Well, fans, that's gonna do it for us here from Sin City for another crazy night here in BOB. Check the Web site to find out more about BOB heading to Nowhere, Oklahoma, and of course, about our last show of 2007 in December...MEGABRAWL. For Scotty Whatbody, I'm Mikey Styles saying, good night everybody, and oh my god.
================================================
Steve: Well?
Axl: Well... I say... you're OUTTA the Hierarchy!
Steve: WHAT?! But that match didn't show you in a negative light!
Axl: And it didn't show Totally Face in a negative light EITHER! Plus, it mentioned Nowhere, Oklahoma, my crappy EX-Hometown! YOU'RE GONE!
[Axl pushes a button in the cotrol center, a trap door opens underneath Steve's chair... and he is indeed gone. Tony is now looking extremely nervous...]
Axl: So... you got anything better to show me?
Tony: Heheh... Uhm... wellll... how 'bout this?
...
==========
Totally Dead
==========
Match 1 :
--------------
NH: The following match is a street fight.
["I Am Evil" by Darc Soulz plays. Some boos for Axl as he steps out.]
NH: Introducing first. From Sinister City, Utah. He is accompanied to the ring tonight by Rose. This is Axl.
AS: Axl is taking on the BOB establishment, and it's about time somebody did.
SW: He's facing The Great, idiot. The Great's been here less time than Axl!
AS: The Great may be new to BOB, but he's already in it deep with Trey Vincent and the powers. They're grooming him to be a part of the establishment.
SW: They, who?
AS: Trey. BigBOSS. This is all a game to them. They find soldiers who will do their bidding from the shadows. Meanwhile, Axl offers a change from the old ways and is looking to take BOB into the next decade.
SW: Aw, fuck. We're still gonna be around in three years? Fine, Alex, what is the establishment's big objective?
AS: Money. Power. They want to run our lives. And I say…I KNOW! I KNOW! And I reject it!
SW: So, you think Axl is rejecting what Trey Vincent, BigBOSS and the rest of the bookers are trying to accomplish?
AS: Think about it. He threw down the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. He threw down the Swiss Army Belt. Rejecting the status quo. And the powers that be didn't like that. They want little bootlickers to say "ooh, thank you, Lord Vincent. Please, give me more! More! More!" They wanted Axl to conform. Well, now look at Axl.
SW: You don't think the BOB titles should be respected?
["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones plays.]
NH: And his opponent. From St. Louis, Missouri. This is The Great!
AS: Tony the Tiger's favorite wrestler is here.
SW: Wait, wait. I want you to answer my question. You don't think the BOB titles should be respected? Sure, they're made out of cheap cardboard and random junk, but--
AS: You're just a bootlicker, Scotty. Quit carrying their water. A new age is upon us. Their rules are draconian. And here we go. Punches flying fast and furious in the ring. Axl and The Great trading stiff punches.
SW: I'm sure Axl would rather be trading something else stiff with The Great.
AS: Axl is thrown to the floor. Remember, folks, there is no DQ in this one. Anything goes. Axl avoids The Great and is back in the ring. Great giving chase and…
SW: A headlock? This is a streetfight. Fight!
AS: Great powering his way up. Elbows. Kick. Twist of Great! No. Axl spins out. Kick. Sinister Slice! No! Great whips Axl into the ropes. Great charges and flies through the ropes but holds on.
SW: Holy crap. He just hiptossed Axl to the floor! Nice.
AS: Great targeting Axl's legs now. He's going for a Figure Eight around the Flimsy Guardrail®. I've never seen that before, Scotty.
SW: Well, that's because it looks retarded.
AS: And Generic Ref can't make Great break the hold. Axl may have to submit here. No, The Great just broke the move. I guess he's got some more in store for Axl. The Great going under the ring and he pulls out…
SW: Of course! A CRATE!
AS: Not just a crate, Scotty. A weapons-filled crate. The Great sliding those weapons into the ring. And now what's he pulling out. A rusty metal gate? And now he tosses Axl back inside.
SW: Good. Make him bleed like the bitch he wants to be. I can't believe he enjoys being the girl in his relationship.
AS: I agree with you on that, Scotty. Axl has the right idea for taking on the establishment. But he is a psychologist's dream. Angry Stomp by The Great on Axl. Great looking to prop up the gate in the corner and put some hurting on Axl. Lookout!
*BONK*
AS: Collection plate to the skull by Axl.
SW: A collection plate? Oh, The Great's gotta be going to hell for stealing that and using it in a street fight. Think he took the money, too?
AS: It wouldn't shock me with what BOB pays and what his wife spends. Now it looks like Axl's found a DVD.
SW: A DVD? That doesn't rhyme with Great.
AS: He just connected with a swing to The Great's face. And The Great tosses the DVD away.
SW: Hey, look. It's a DVD of "Blind Date Uncensored!" No wonder why the Great brought it in.
AS: Where are you going?
SW: You think I'm going to let such a masterful DVD as that go to waste?
AS: Well, fans, Scotty's going to collect the DVD. Now Axl is putting on a pair of roller skates. And Scotty grabs the DVD and is heading back over here. Axl trying to balance himself now. Don't tell me he doesn't know how to rollerskate. Why would he put those skates on? Axl charges. And loses his balance.
SW: Bwahahaha! Did you see that? Axl just fell flat on his face. Priceless.
AS: Great's back up. And now Axl is being locked in the tree of woe. Now where's The Great going?
SW: It looks like he's talking to somebody in the audience. Oh, dude. He's a chubby chaser? What's with this fat girl he's bringing into the ring.
AS: Oh no. Don't tell me.
SW: Oh, I think I get it. She's overweight.
AS: Right you are, Scotty. She's got to be at least 300 pounds.
SW: Why are the only chicks who like wrestling 300 pounds? Why can't some chicks with huge jugs and long legs be into this sport?
AS: The Great's got her set up in the corner opposite Axl. He Irish whips her into Axl!
SW: Wow. He's gotta hate getting so close to a girl. I hear Rose has such a big clit it might as well be a penis.
AS: Excuse me? Where did you hear that?
SW: I have sources, too, Alex. Mine just find out more interesting stuff.
AS: That's truly disturbing. Great thanking this young lady for her assistance. Rose trying to rip those skates off Axl now. Oh no!
SW: Oh yes! Ice skate! Axl's gonna BLEED! Hahaha!
AS: Rose has gotten Axl free.
SW: Axl's about to do his Richard Zednik impersonation.
AS: Oh, Scotty! That's horrible.
SW: Or maybe Axl will get his dream and Great will cut off his penis so he can become the woman he's always wanted to be!
AS: Rose just threw a rollerskate at The Great! And The Great's going after her! He's got her by the hair. Axl's up. Neckbreaker on The Great. Axl quickly pulling up the Great. Oh no!
*CRUNCH*
AS: Sinister leg sweep into the wooden crate! Axl putting it all on the line to win this huge match, as the winner here no doubt will be a top contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
SW: Yeah. I'm surprised Axl would risk getting a splinter in his ass. It'd put a huge crimp in his social life.
AS: Now Axl's got the ice skate. Oh no. He holds it up high, and the crowd booing him loudly. Great's back up. Scoop Slam 5! Axl gets behind him. Oh no! He's got the ice skate to The Great's throat! Low blow by the Great!
SW: That damn trick knee.
AS: Thanks, Brain. Great rips the ice skate out of Axl's hands. Swing and a miss. Inverted DDT by Axl. Cover. One. Two. Great kicks out. Axl looking for a weapon to inflict some more violence on The Great, but he can't find one. He picks up The Great and crotches him on the top rope. Axlgeri. Great is down. One! Two! Great kicks out!
SW: We need more weapons. What a lame street fight, neither of these guys have even bladed yet. Where's that damn ice skate.
AS: Axl just found a hand weight. Looks like a five-pounder. He's waiting on Great to get up. Axl swings and misses. Great's got Axl up. What is this?
SW: Whoa!
AS: Fireman's carry facebuster! I guess we'll call that a G5?
SW: Great's been studying Brock Lesnar's moveset, I see. Axl's gotta be done after that one.
AS: Was he in that version of the video game? One! Two! Axl's foot is on the ropes. Both men are exhausted, Scotty. They've absorbed a lot of punishment so far.
SW: Great needs to put this one away. Hey, where's Rose going?
AS: She must be going to get some reinforcements. This is no DQ. Great doesn't have any friends here in BOB that I know of. Nobody can stand his constant speaking in third-person.
SW: Annoying? I find it funny. Plus he rhymes. He should find a rhyming friend of some sort…
AS: Both men trading punches here, but they tank's just about empty. Twist of Great. No. Evil-lution onto the metal gate! Oh man! That should be it! Axl drags The Great to the middle of the ring and hooks both legs. One! Two! Three! NO! Great kicked out!
SW: No way! Look at how bent that gate is!
AS: Axl is screaming at Generic Ref. Axl shoves Generic Ref. Generic Ref shoves Axl! Axl shoves him again. Lou Thesz press! Generic Ref is all over Axl!
SW: Hey, it's Pigeon!
AS: He's got The Great. Pigeon Drop! No! Twist of Great on Pigeon! Viruz is in. Twist of Great on Viruz! Oh, but Steve Roydz just damn near took his head off with that clothesline. The Hierarchy is out in full force now. There's Pete Trable. And he's got a home plate. Roydz holding The Great, who can't move.
*WHUMP*
SW: What the hell? The Great didn't move. Trable's aim is terrible.
AS: He just totally missed The Great and blasted Steve Roydz in the head with home plate. And Axl saw that. Axl shoves Trable.
SW: Maybe Pete's really drunk. He's got to be to be hanging out with the Hierarchy losers.
AS: CD! CD! CD! Compacted Disc on Axl!
[Pete gets a pop from the crowd for that.]
AS: Great drags up Axl. Twist of Great! Cover! One! Two! Three!
SW: Wow. Is Pete cool again finally? He hasn't been cool in like five years since he vanished from the Rant Zone. Remember when he was plunder for the Drudleyz?
AS: I don't get this. Why would Trable turn on Axl and the Hierarchy?
SW: Because they suck?
AS: Well fans, we're not going to find out on this show. Maybe there will be some explanation in the Rant Zone from The Great and Pete Trable this week. What a shocker. Stay tuned. We're on the march. The empire's on the run! Alex Smith fighting corruption in BOB!
================================================
Axl: ... YOU BASTARD! You're gonna... you're... ... Tony?
[Axl looks to his left, but Tony Spaghetti is nowhere in sight...]
Axl: The hell... Hm. Well... I guess I''ll just go ahead and play the other match he selected... couldn't be much worse. But seeing as how the Golden Girls is on, I'll just play this thing and head out. True Believers in the name of all that is Axl... peace be with you. And here's to my second coming being the greatest in the history of this business! ... Second only to that of a certain... Jobber Slayer. Check the vid.
Axl: Blanche... here I come! "*singing* And if ya threw a part-ay, invited everyone ya knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say - thank you for bein' a friend!!!" Gotta love the Girls! WOOHOO!
...
|continued...|
[...]
[DAMMIT! The Hierarchy is BACK! Curses!!!~!1a]
From inside: Ok Steve, get the first tape ready... Tony, do you have the second?
Tony: Yup!
Steve: And mine's all set, boss!
Voice: Alrighty... let's roll.
[The camera opens up inside, where Axl is sitting... in between former Hierarchy members, Tony Spaghetti, and Steve Roydz... all three of them sitting at tv sets.]
Axl: BOB... This is, of course, your Savior. And tonight, I will be presenting you all, LIVE... on tape... from right here, the Hierarchy Control Center, in Nowhere, Oklahoma... the ONLY birthday celebration dedicated to THE most elite stable in the history of Brawlers! ... Next to the Hierarchy of course.
Tony: And iAd!
Steve: And sWo!
Tony: ...
Axl: Uhm...
Steve: No?
Tony: I think you may be a bit off there...
Axl: What else is new... but anyway! Tonight, we celebrate the birthday of Totally Face! Now, I know we're a couple of days off, but who the fuck cares, honestly. ... But anyfuck, Steve has a tape of Massively Cool, and Tony, a tape of Totally Dead. And together, this IS...
----------------------------------
Totally MASSIVE~!!!1a
----------------------------------
Axl: See what I did there? Put the 'massive' in all caps, cuz it's... big. ... Fuck it. Steve, roll that beautiful bean footage!
Steve: ... Zuh?
Axl: ROLL THE TAPE!!!
Steve: Ai yai capitan!
...
===========
Massively Cool
===========
Match 1 :
--------------
[Back to the ballroom. "Soemwhere I Belong" by Linkin Park is playing. The mysterious Soem Guy In A Mask steps out wearing all black and a "Come Get Soem" T-shirt. He apparently is looking to slap hands, but nobody offers any. Poor guy.]
NH: The following is a Fourplay Match. Introducing first, he hails from Soemwhere and weighs soemthing, this is Soem Guy In A Mask.
Styles: This is a return of sorts for Soem Guy...I think. There was a Soem Guy In A Mask who appeared in BOB previously in 2000. Does that look like the same guy to you?
SW: All masked jobbers look the same to me, Styles. Though he does have a nice ass.
Styles: Excuse me?
SW: Did I say that out loud?
Styles: You most certainly did.
SW: Shit, am I turning gay? I know I've heard of heel turns, but GAY turns? Oh man...*Slap slap slap* Get it together Scotty. That's a dude!
Styles: Yeah, keep going. Scotty is slapping himself silly.
Voiceover: REGENERATION X!
["Regeneration X" by Mark Rushton (Random Screaming BOB Catchphrase Remix hits. There is an immediate shrill cheering from the ladies in the crowd, but they are booed down by the men. Gee, where have I seen that before?]
NH: Introducing next, from Kent, Ohio, weighing 180 pounds, this is Jim "Totally Packaged."
SW: Speaking of total packages, did you hear that Lex Luger recently ripped off Jeff Jarrett's finishing move?
Styles: No.
SW: Yeah. He I heard he used the stroke on himself! BWAHAHAHA!
Styles: Oh my GOD, Scotty! That man was in the hospital. Besides, it was an infection, anyway, not a stroke.
SW: Awww. Really? And I thought that joke was gold.
Styles: It was tasteless, as usual. Though I've come to expect it from you.
SW: Well, at least Jim will never have to worry about getting a stroke from too much steroid use. The only thing he'll have to worry about is his liver from all that drinking he does.
["Enter Kevin" by Vietellica plays next. Kevin stumbles out carrying something in his hand.]
Styles: Oh no.
NH: Introducing next, from Stinking Bay, Arkansas, weighing 82 pounds, this is Kevin the Pyromaniac.
SW: What is it, Styles?
Styles: I may be wrong, but I think Kevin is carrying around that mouse that pinned him earlier.
SW: What's the matter? You afraid he's gonna shove it up his ass, fart it out, light his fart and set the projectile mouse on fire?
Styles: I wasn't, but NOW I am.
SW: What were you worried about then?
Styles: I don't remember anymore.
["Under the Knife" by AC/DC plays. Dr. Thrilla gets the biggest pop of the bunch. Thrilla walks down the aisle and slides into the ring with his trusty rusty scalpel.]
NH: And finally, from Tijuana, Mexico, weighing 193 pounds, this is Dr. Thrilla.
SW: Hmm...maybe the mouse will get its intestines replaced with a rubber hose. That's Thrilla's specialty.
Styles: You've got to be worried if you're Dr. Thrilla.
SW: Of lawsuits?
Styles: Well, those too. I was referring to the iAd, who have assaulted Sir Zeno and Mr. Paradox already. And in a total coincidence, Queen Mylisiv was assaulted, almost rabidly, by Kay Fabe after losing her title. It looks like Thrilla and Kevin are going to start this one out.
SW: Is that a plastic bag?
Styles: Thrilla drops Kevin with a hard kick there. That may be it. One! Two! No? Kevin kicked out?
SW: He's putting the plastic bag over Dr. Thrilla's face. That mouse is in there, and I don't like that mouse's odds against Thrilla's bear trap teeth! He may pull an Ozzy Osbourne.
Styles: Thrilla is trapped in plastic bag with that mouse. And Thrilla isn't moving too much. Kevin heads up top. Oh no!
*WHOOOSH*
Styles: His elbow pad is on fire. Flaming elbow drop!
[There is a collective gasp from the crowd as Kevin is sprayed with a fire extinguisher by the Flunky. Kevin lays around selling the extinguisher blast for a few seconds.]
No mouse was hurt during the filming of this match....it was killed instantly....thank you....
SW: Thrilla's cutting his way free using his scalpel. And Thrilla can breathe again and is gasping for air.
Styles: This is one of the strangest starts to a match I've seen in a while.
SW: Thrilla can't wrestle his way out of a plastic bag, huh?
Styles: Apparently not. Jim just tagged himself in and will try and combat Kevin the Pyromaniac's flammable offense. Kevin charges at Jim.
SW: Ooooooh, now that's a crotch chop.
Crowd: Wooooo!
Styles: Knife-edge chop to Kevin's lower-abdominal area. Damn. Jim pulls up Kevin. Gorilla press slam. It's not often Jim pulls out that one. Jim off the ropes. Flying forearm of doom takes Kevin down again. And Kevin just tagged in Soem Guy.
SW: This should be....soemthing.
Styles: Both men circling each other. Are you staring at his ass, Scotty?
SW: ...No. Fuck you.
Styles: Soem Guy charges, but right into a heel kick from Jim. Soem Guy bails out to the floor. Incoming! Jim with a cross body to the floor. Jim sending Soem Guy back into the ring for soem more punishment.
SW: So if this is a Fourplay match, does that mean only chicks watching are enjoying this right now? Because I sure as hell am not.
Styles: Jim is dominating at the moment. Soem Guy tags out to Kevin. Jim hooks him. Nice powerbomb. Oh, now Jim's going for an Ohio cloverleaf! He's got Kevin locked in.
SW: Kevin just pulled out the lighter fluid. Oh man, he's spraying his ass with lighter fluid.
*FRAAAAAP*
*WHOOOSH*
Styles: And that's one way to break a submission hold. With a flaming fart.
[Flunky sprays Kevin and Jim with the fire extinguisher.]
SW: I smell burnt ass hair. Sick!
Styles: Kevin sacrificing his own body there. Thrilla clanging at Jim. Apparently Thrilla wants a piece of Kevin for that plastic bag incident earlier in the match. And here he comes. Oh MAN. Thrilla unloading on Kevin here.
SW: Oh man. He's biting Kevin's hand with those metal chompers now.
Styles: This one sure isn't for wrestling purists. This one is ugly and disturbing.
SW: Yeah, Ted's gonna bash the hell out of this match.
Styles: Don't worry, he's not doing recaps anymore.
SW: Oh, really? I really should visit the BOB site more often.
Styles: There's a tag for Soem Guy. Springboard hoodanconrana! That was soem hoodanconrana, Scotty. Spin kick. Spin jab. Wow, what technique. I wonder if Soem Guy knows soem karate or martial arts.
SW: I wonder if Kevin has been taking lessons on being a punching bag, because if so, he's a pro at it. Soem Guy is putting the hurt on that green-haired teenage goof.
Styles: Tag back in to Thrilla.
SW: I'm sooo bored, Styles. Why can't it be tomorrow and I'm watching the Patriots and Colts in the Game Of The Century™ and drinking beer?
Styles: Life is so tough, Scotty, I know. Kevin's tags Jim. Soem Guy charges, but right into a Krew Kutter! Here comes Thrilla. Krew Kutter for Thrilla. Cover on Soem Guy! One! Two and no! Soem Guy soemhow kicked out. Jim might have gotten the pin if not for Dr. Thrilla getting involved there.
SW: Kevin's boots were made for burning.
Styles: Flaming dropkick takes down Jim!
[Flunky sprays Kevin again with the extinguisher, knocking him over.]
Styles: Everybody is down and out. Thrilla's up first. Soem Guy charges, Thrilla ducks. Sunset flip! One! Two! Kevin with a crossbody of sorts! One! Two! Soem Guy kicks out. Jim's back up. He's got Kevin! Fisherman Krewplex! One! Two! Soem Guy with a springboard splash! Cover! One! Two! Thrilla breaks it up! Wow, the pace picked up in this one.
SW: Well, anything looks like an improvement when you're starting at zero miles an hour.
Styles: Thrilla grabs Kevin. Powerbomb coming up. Hold on... Oh my GOD!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Oh man!
Styles: How do you describe that one, Scotty?
SW: Well...Thrilla was trying for a powerbomb on Kevin, then Jim and Soem Guy came up from behind him and hit a double back suplex sort of thing, which simultaneously drove Kevin face first into the mat!
Styles: I've never seen anything like that before.
SW: That's because any sane people would never try crazy bumps like that!
Styles: It's safe to say Kevin won't be much of a factor in this one for the rest of the way. Oh man! Soem Guy just connected with one hell of a superkick to Jim.
[Jim collapses throat first on the middle rope.]
Styles: Soem Guy looking to hit the 555?
SW: 555? Oh, I get it, instead of the 619. How clever, Styles.
Styles: 555 connects. Soem Guy's on the apron. Here comes the Soem Kind Of Finisher! HOODANCANRANA ROLLUP! ONE! TWO! THREE? HEGOTHIM!
SW: What? Jim jobbed to a masked jobber? Who did HE piss off?
================================================
Axl: HAAAAAAAAAAAAA ha. ... HA!
Steve: Yup, we're royally pissing all over THEIR grave, aren't we boss?!
Axl: HELLZ yeah! And the fun's just begun! Get to the next clip!
Steve: No problemo...
...
--------------
Match 2 :
--------------
[Back in the ballroom, "Smooth Operator" by Sade is playing. But, Nurse Heidi is not there to ring announce, and there is no replacement due to what could be politely called disorganization.]
SW: Oh, this one's gonna be good. But it's almost not a fair fight.
Styles: Really?
SW: Yeah, Nurse Heidi's gonna kill Axl.
Styles: The Sinister Surgeon, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants getting a mixture of cheers and boos from the Sin City crowd. Plants is the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer alive today.
SW: No doubt. That's why these sinners have to show him some respect. Unlike his partner...
Styles: Is Nick at Night ready for Axl Van Goth?
SW: I know it's ready for one naughty nurse.
["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz hits. Boos. Lots of boos. The boos get even louder when they realize he has a microphone.]
Axl: I told you all I was your savior, but you didn't believe me. You're just like the Jews.
SW: BWAHAHAHA! He did NOT just say that!
The views of Axl do not necessarily reflect the views of anybody in Brawlers On a Budget, or its sponsors....thank you.....
Axl: Sil, I told you I had a plan for our match. And it's a blackly evil plan. While I was discussing bringing BOB back to cable television, there was a deal made. In exchange for me making it happen, BigBOSS agreed to a little addition to our match tonight. So, please welcome our special guest timekeeper, Brother Joey!
[Brother Joey walks out wearing a white wig, a white beard, a long robe and carrying a large face clock. He is greeted with boos as he heads to ringside.]
SW: What's this, Nostradanus?
Axl: Please welcome our special guest enforcer, Brother Jimmy!
[Brother Jimmy walks out in a vintage Four Horsemen T-shirt, a bald cap, a beard, and black shorts with the letters AA on his crotch. He is booed as he holds up four fingers in the air and walks down the aisle.]
SW: Not my dog spot, not my liver spot, my spot.
Styles: That wasn't funny then, and it's not funny now, Scotty.
SW: You sure? You don't find anything funny.
Styles: I wouldn't say that. It's pretty funny when you get your ass kicked.
Axl: And please welcome, our special guest ring announcer...Brother Johnny!
[Nobody comes out for several seconds.]
Axl: I said...BROTHER JOHNNY!
[Still nothing for several seconds. Axl walks to the back. There is some loud indecipherable shouting, before Axl pulls out Brother Johnny, who is dressed up like a nurse. A mini-skirt, big fake hooters and even the little white nurse cap. The crowd turns up the boos even more.]
Styles: Is it just me, or did you always figure Axl would be the first one we'd say dressed in women's clothing?
SW: It's not just you. This is so lame, Styles.
Styles: He could have at least shaved his legs.
SW: Um...what?
Axl: Now do your thing, Nurse Johnny.
Styles: Plants is just looking at this, dumbfounded.
Nurse Johnny: The following contest is a pick your opponent's partner tag team match.
[He adjusts his fake boobs. There is a wolf-whistle from the crowd.]
NJ: Introducing first, a man who should have retired years ago. He hails from the retirement home, this is Dr. Untal N. Ted!
Styles: NIPPLE CUTTER!
Axl: You can't do that to Nurse Johnny! God, life sucks!
SW: SMP is chasing after Axl!
["The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang hits. Pretty good pop as Heidi steps out in some scrubs. Even bigger pop as Heidi rips off her top and pulls down her pants to reveal a tight white top with a couple of red crosses where her nipples are, and white panties.]
SW: HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA! Oh BAY!! Heid's not loked tat gud in WAO!!
Styles: Scotty, please! Get a hold of yourself.
SW: I do have a hold of myself, Styles! Oh BAY!Y
Styles: My apologies for the unintelligible Scotty Whatbody, who apparently hasn't seen a sexy women in her underwear in a long, long time. She's looking so good that Scotty's channeling XXXtreme Machine.
SW: She's seriously going to wrestle in THAT? This is what EVERY match should have!
Styles: For this match, Nurse Heidi can wrestle either SMP or Axl.
SW: Ohhhh, she has on boots and wrestling gear?
Styles: You just got down below her thighs, huh?
SW: Had to work my way down. Won't make that mistake anymore. She could have had on high-heels. Knee pads, sure, that's cool.
Styles: Oh, Scotty!
SW: What? They come in handy!
["I Am The Champion" by Death & The Deathtones plays next. The crowd is still so focused on Heidi they barely even notice Death walk down the aisle and get in the ring.]
Axl: And your special guest color commentator for the match....Axl.
Death: Hello? Do I even exist? Who do I have to kill around here to get some attention? Only the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS here.
Styles: Oh great. Axl's joining us on commentary, Scotty.
SW: Good. Put him in the puke puddle.
Styles: Hello, Axl. You're not going to help out your tag team partner?
Axl: Bow down before BOB's savior.
SW: No thanks. I don't eat sausage.
Axl: What did you ask me, Styles? Help Sil? I have far more important things to do tonight, Styles. To start with, I have a brand new poem I'd like to debut for the world.
SW: A poem? I was hoping for a suicide note.
Axl: I call this one..."Death Deserved."
What have you wrought?
A miasma of shock as affections creep.
Once we shared wonder,
virginal and glad-hearted,
but your thirst died.
A sickening morass of darkness -
tears follow blood, follow rain,
love burnt to ashes.
In a torrent of vengeance,
I still love you.
SW: That the best you got?
Axl: Can you do better?
SW: Probably. Let's see...roses are red, violens are blue, that poem sucked...fuck you?
Axl: You will rot in the depths of depthitude for such insolence!
SW: What?
Styles: This one is ready to begin.
Axl: Ring the bell, Brother Joey!
*DING DING DING*
[Death hits Joey with the Touch of Death. Joey tips over and slams into the floor. That gets a good pop from the crowd.]
Death: Yeah, how about that?
SW: I hope he doesn't expose himself.
Styles: Death, or Axl?
SW: Ewww.
Axl: I'll expose myself as the greatest only world champion that matters.
SW: What was that?
Axl: What?
SW: Right there is your whole...never mind, you've got far BIGGER problems, most notably the fact that you're not mesmerized by Heidi's bouncing fun bags.
Styles: Scotty?
SW: Huh?
Styles: What was your point?
SW: What? Sorry? Huh?
Styles: Forget it. Axl, your special ring announcer's been knocked out. Your timekeeper's been killed. The odds aren't as stacked anymore.
Axl: Have no fear, mortal! I still have my enforcer Brother Jimmy. He'll unleash his spinebuster of doom upon any who try to get out of line and mock the Metal God!
Styles: Uh-huh. Well...I guess SMP is going to start. But who against? Will it be his valet, or will it be against Death, the man he will face at--
Deep Voice: MEGABRAWL!
Styles: Yeah, at--
Deep Voice: MEGABRAWL!
Axl: All I know tonight, M.S., is Sil is gonna (deep voice) MEGAJOB! I have another poem I'd like to debut. This is called "Ode to Darkness."
I am swimming in my own despair
Twisting
Trembling
No one understands my thoughts
I saw the eyes of Death...
The blade kisses me deeply
The rush of the razor is the sweetest pain
The clock is made of blood
Broken
I am fallen and will never rise
I will conquer my teachers with powers of darkness
Endless industrial music
SW: Even suckier than the last one, Axl.
Styles: We're finally ready to get this one started. And it's going to be Death and SMP to start things off in a preview of--
Deep Voice: MEGABRAWL!
Styles: Death with a headlock.
SW: Will you stop writing poetry?
Axl: Never!
Styles: Plants is in the ropes. Clean break by Death.
SW: I'm just shocked Death's first offensive move wasn't a knee lift. Though I'm sure it's coming, since he only has a few moves. I wish Heidi had a hula-hoop.
Styles: And Scotty's brain just left us again. Lockup again. SMP powering Death into the corner. There's a chop.
*RATTLE*
Crowd: Woooooo!
*RATTLE*
Styles: Another chop!
Crowd: Wooooo!
Styles: SMP drives an elbow into Death's skull. Death crawling away. He's extending his hand to Heidi.
NH: No way, Death! I'm not touching your hand!
Death: What? Why? Oh, is it the whole instantly killing you thing?
NH: Yeah!
Death: *Sigh*
NH: Here!
[Heidi hands Death a rubber hand.]
Death: Dude...
NH: Do it. Or I'm not gonna save your bony butt.
[Death takes the hand and extends the rubber hand to Heidi.]
NH: Was that so hard?
Styles: And we've finally got a tag.
SW: I've been waiting for this for years!
Styles: For Plants and Heidi to wrestle?
SW: No, for her to lose her top in a match again! There's no way that top can contain those jugs.
Axl: My anguish spews forth clandestine decay.
Styles: And here we go. Heidi and Styles one-on-one.
SW: Amazingly, I think more people would pay for this match than SMP vs. Death at--
Deep Voice: MEGA-
SW: Yeah, we get it. Enough already.
Deep Voice: ...BRAWL!
Axl: My soul...is like poison!
SW: I hope one day you find your Romeo so the two of you can drink some.
Axl: My mascara cannot hide the tears in my eyes.
Styles: Heidi with a headlock! SMP reverses and puts Heidi into a hammerlock. Heidi's bending over, trying to take out...uh...SMP's legs.
SW: Now THAT's gotta be a familiar position for these two. I'm sure Heidi's just used to be bent over a chair right here.
*SMACK SMACK SMACK*
SW: There's some Greco-Roman butt bongo by SMP!
Styles: SMP avoiding her attempts as he is literally, well, spanking her so far. Heidi sneaks out. Heidicanrana on Plants! And listen to the crowd!
Fan: Take off your top!
Styles: Death looking to get back into this match. He extends his rubber hand and Death gets the tag.
Axl: The Gothic booker is at his table,
thinking of funny lines to entertain his four readers.
His computer is empty,
jobbers and stereotypes pass in and out of his mind's eye.
But the author is tired.
He is now 29 years old.
He has written many shows.
A crumpled bottle of water is at his feet.
This will be a quiet death.
His legacy won't last.
The gimmicks he has created
will live in Imagination Land.
And be forgotten
once his credit card is rejected by GoDaddy.
Styles: What the hell are you blabbering on about, Axl?
Axl: Triple cages and deserted deserts,
all scenes for bloodshed.
The Strapping Young Lad blares.
The author with an ancient liver wants to go dream.
These will be his last thoughts.
Is this gothic poem parody even funny?
Glerp!
SW: Uhhh...Alright. That was...different. What do you call that one?
Axl: Die, Trey, Die.
SW: Oh man. Haven't you been watching what they've been doing tonight?
Axl: He's an old-timer. It's time for him to move on.
Styles: There's a knee lift for SMP. Side slam! One! Two and no. The Sinister Surgeon kicks out.
SW: Death just exhausted his whole move set there.
Styles: Elbow drop misses. SMP punching away on Death. Death goes down. SMP with a double stomp to Death's ribcage.
Axl: I have another poem to share with you all. I call this one, Untitled.
The night falls as if slain by the sun, entwined are we.
The salvation for which you sacrifice yourself
flares once, then dies,
swept away by a velvet ebon nothingness.
All hope must sicken and die.
Your soul thrives no more.
How could you hate me?
Our dark thoughts surround us, crying,
save us from ourselves.
Styles: Heidi's back in. Dropkick to Plants! She gets on top.
SW: Another familiar spot for her.
Styles: One! Two! No. Plants with a drop toe hold. And...there's some amateur wrestling from Plants. He's got her from behind.
SW: Amateur? I thought they called that doggy-style?
*SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK*
Styles: And there are some more spanks for Heidi.
SW: I hear Studnuts spanks her harder. That's why she likes him better.
Styles: Who told you that?
SW: Studnuts, of course!
Styles: Heidi tags out once again. If I were Plants, I wouldn't be messing around with Heidi too much. She's starting to get pissed off in there.
SW: See? This is why we stopped mixing the boys and the girls together. The girls just can't take being inferior to the men.
Axl: I have more poetry. Tremble before my goth haiku!
My thrall forgot to
lightproof my room before day.
Now I am ash. Damn.
SW: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Styles: *Snort* Goth haiku!
[Five minutes later.]
Styles: I'm sorry fans. I know there's a match going on. But that poorly composed minimalist goth poetry just was hilarious.
SW: Is there more?
Axl: You aren't worthy, normal. I'll kick your ass and not even smear my eyeliner.
SW: Right. Hey!
Styles: SMP just grabbed Axl by the hair, and he's dragging him to the ring! He's got him to his corner. And SMP just tagged Axl into this match for the first time.
SW: Awesome. No more bad goth poetry. I can focus all my attention right where it belongs.
Styles: On the match?
SW: Of course not, on Heidi's tits!
Styles: And SMP is leaving!
SW: Brilliant. Axl's stuck in a two-on-one match now!
Styles: Bony foot to Axl's face takes him down. I think Axl's about to take a ride to the Netherworld. Did Heidi just tag in? Is she crazy? Death has Axl up. What is this? OH MY GOD! Netherworld powerbomb, combined with a neckbreaker from Heidi from the top rope! And what a way for Axl to start off in this match.
SW: It serves him right for us having to listen to that lame poetry. What is he, 16?
Styles: Heidi and Death whip Axl into the ropes. Double flapjack plants Axl face first into the mat. And the crowd is loving this.
Crowd: Show your tits! Show your tits!
[Death pulls aside a bit of his black robe where his chest would be, if he had a chest. But alas, no, only bones.]
SW: Not you!
Styles: Death showing his non-existent breasts to the crowd. Heidi and Death are waiting on Axl to get up. TOTAL ELIMINATION! One! Two! Damnit! Jimmy just broke it up with...is that a woman's shoe?
SW: He must've taken it off that cross-dresser.
Styles: TOUCH OF DEATH on Jimmy! Now what? Death's got Axl up on his shoulders. Heidi's up top. No way! Heidicanrana! And the crowd is loving this! But Death and Heidi STILL aren't done having their way with Axl.
SW: Oh, how I'd love to have my way with Heidi!
Styles: Death's got Axl set up...not ANOTHER Netherworld Powerbomb! Heidi's on the top rope! Dropkick! Netherworld Powerbomb! Heidi's got the cover! One! Two! Three! SHEGOTHIM! Unbelievable!
SW: Yeah! How did her top stay on?
NH: Here are your winners *pant pant* ME and Death!
Styles: And she even gets to announce her own victory. What a night for Nurse Heidi!
================================================
Axl: ...
Steve: ... Whoops?
Axl: YOU DIE NOW!!!
Steve: Hold on, hold on, I've got one more...
Axl: This BETTER be good...
...
----------------
Match #3 :
----------------
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is the main event of Massively Cool, and it is for the Swiss Army Belt!
["Rising Sun" by Bexta hits. The lights dim, leaving nothing but black and green lighting. After several seconds, Seth Harker walks out, getting booed loudly by the crowd. Harker stands at the entryway for a few seconds, slowly soaking in the scene before he walks down the aisle.]
SW: What's going on? Where's the slow-motion?
Styles: I think we blew the budget with "Cash Taxi" earlier.
SW: Well, at least it doesn't seem to be bothering Seth. Nothing ever does when he's making his entrance.
Styles: Really? You don't think ANYTHING would bother him?
SW: Hmm...
Fan 1: I totally BONED Kay Fabe! She begged me to stop, but I didn't! And then I dump trucked her!
[No reaction from Seth. He keeps walking down the aisle.]
Fan 2: Hey, buddy, you got the time?
[Fan 2 points at his wrist, which doesn't have a watch.]
Fan 2: And do you know where the bathroom is, too?
[Fan 2 now points at his crotch. Seth pays no attention.]
Fan 2: Thanks, Keandouche!
Mr. Leary: Hey, Seth, can you do a promo for your big match against Massive Man? Something funny, or serious, or funnious. Whatever works. And have you seen any MSTable feds? Hit me up on AIM, bro!
[Totally f'n ignored.]
Mr. Leary: WTF?
Man In Dark Suit and Glasses: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Harker. You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, you are mistaken.
Ring Rat: Oh yeah, Seth motorboated me! *Coughack*
[Seth readjusts his shades and heads into the ring.]
Styles: There you go. Try as you might, but nothing can distract him.
SW: Yep. Stupid fans, annoying bookers, "Matrix" ripoffs and skanky ring rats all have no impact on Seth. This was actually pretty tame.
Styles: Yep. I think that was the rest of the budget. Anything else happens, and we're looking at a loss.
Voiceover: REGENERATION-X!
["Regeneration X" by Mark Rushton (Random Screaming BOB Catchphrase Remix) hits next. Massive Man steps out to cheers from the ladies. Before he realizes what's happening, the ring rat shoves her tongue down his throat as he steps out. Massive Man shoves her off, but it takes some effort.]
SW: Oh man.
MMR1: Where's Jim? He said he'd have my back?
[Cut backstage.]
SW: Look at that. Jim's taking a nap next to that headstone of...Chris Benoit?
Styles: Oh boy. I don't think he's sleeping. I think he was attacked!
SW: By who?
Styles: Isn't it pretty obvious?
SW: No.
Styles: (Beat) Somebody attacked Jim!
SW: Soem...body? Soem Guy In A Mask?
Styles: Possibly! Or maybe it's whoever attacked him last month! Or maybe it's...it's...
SW: The spirit of Chris Benoit, who finds himself entrapped in the body of Kay Fabe?
Styles: You noticed?
SW: I doubt it was she/he. She/he only seemed to want at Massive Man. Although, just imagine if you COULD combine the wrestling of Benoit and the knockers of Kay Fabe.
Styles: Well, Chris always did like to hold secondary titles. And the Swiss Army Belt is as secondary as you get in BOB. Plus, there was the whole making fun of the tragedy through several promos and tasteless jokes that Re-X did. Well, both men are in the ring, let's send it to Heidi.
NH: This match is set for one fall. Introducing first, the challenger. From Parts Unknown. He weighs in tonight at 217 and 15-16ths. He is the Darksider, and is one-third of the incurable Apathy disorder, Seth Harker!
[He gets mostly jeered, aside from the fans who likes cool heels and the Internet marks who praise his ungodly work rate. One of them holds up a sign: "***3/4 Without Run-Ins." We'll see...]
Styles: Looks like many are expecting a match of the year candidate out of these two.
SW: *Pfffft* Only if every chick on the roster comes out and has an orgy in the middle of this one.
NH: And his opponent, the reigning and defending holder of the Swiss Army Belt. From Kent, Ohio. He weighs in tonight at 190 and 63-64ths. He is the Sensei of Joshitude, and is one-half of Re-Generation-X. Massive Man Rendition First.
Styles: I can't wait to see this one. Generic Ref calling for the bell, and here we go. Lock up in center ring, no, Massive Man with a drop toe hold to start this one out. A bit of trickery early on by Massive Man, and he's got to do things like that to stay a step ahead of the very dangerous challenger.
SW: Yeah, being trippy ain't gonna win the match, Styles.
Styles: Lock up. Harker with a go-behind. And Harker trips up Massive Man. But Harker doesn't let Massive Man back up, locking on a front chancery. Massive Man pushes his way up. Massive Man trying to throw Harker off here, but Harker floats behind. Harker runs to the ropes. Beautiful delayed twisting mid-air kick takes Massive Man down.
SW: *Sigh* Where's the car crash spotfest? These guys should be through about twenty tables and off three ladders or so by now. Damn, we need a bigger budget.
Styles: Lockup again, and Massive Man goes to work on Harker's arm. Harker reverses. Maybe Vincent and Studnuts had something to do with Jim's attack?
SW: They already assaulted him with a cake earlier. It could be.
Styles: Hold on! One! Only one, as Massive Man with a quick rollup to free himself from the arm work. Harker looking to take home his first BOB singles championship tonight.
SW: Hold on. He held a singles title before. Remember? He had the old hardcore title. And he lost the title TO the title.
Styles: Oh, right. Man, how could I forget that?
SW: No wonder why my back's hurting. I have to carry your ass once again to another outstanding commentary track.
Styles: What would I do without you. Oh wait. I know. I'd have a bunch of more entertaining color commentators come in.
SW: They were not better than me! Stop lying!
Styles: Massive Man with a slam, but Harker holds onto his arm and has an arm-scissor locked on. VERY nicely done by Harker. Massive Man trying to find a way out of this painful submission.
SW: I hope he finds it. Maybe he can find a way out of this painful boredom for me while he's at it. Oh wait, there we go.
Styles: Open up your eyes, Scotty.
SW: Anything I imagine has GOT to be better than this portion of the match. I don't need wrestling foreplay. That's all this shit is.
Styles: Harker lets the move go and pulls up Massive Man. Short-arm hoodanconrana? I've NEVER seen that one before! Wow!
SW: Awww! Serious?
Styles: You missed it, Scotty.
SW: That sounds kinda sweet, actually.
Styles: Harker takes Massive Man down with an armdrag. And there's a dropkick right to Massive Man's face. Massive Man looking for a timeout on the floor. But Harker looking for more. He's up top! Cross body from the top to the floor! And that brings the crowd to their feet.
SW: Now we're talking. There's nothing better than two poor guys beating the crap out of each other and destroying their bodies for my amusement.
Styles: Harker trying a suplex on the floor, but Massive Man blocks it. Oh! Harker just dropped ribs first over the Flimsy Guardrail®! Oh my GOD! Massive Man just planted him with a DDT on the floor!
SW: Look out. Harker's gushing blood after that one!
Styles: Harker's busted over his right eye after that brutal DDT on the floor. Massive Man launches himself onto the guardrail and connects with a leg drop on the floor. Massive Man doing a little showboating here, Scotty. That could come back to haunt him later on.
SW: Yeah, and so could Chris Benoit.
Styles: Harker slammed hard. Massive Man heading to the second rope.
MMR1: Yodelayheehoo!
Styles: Yodeling elbow drop connects! One! Two! Harker kicks out. Massive Man stomps on Harker and now dragging him up. Looks like Massive Man wants a superplex here. Harker fighting back. Harker...sunset flip bomb! One! Two! Massive Man rolls free just in time. Harker connected with that kick. And there's a spinning heel kick. Third time isn't the charm, Massive Man caught him.
SW: Massive Man about to play some kick balls?
Styles: Harker's enzugeri attempt just missed. How the HELL did he do that? Reverse enzugeri nearly took off Massive Man's head.
SW: Yeah. That move just dropped the temperature two degrees, it was so cool.
Styles: Was that sarcasm?
SW: I'm not sure. Though Heidi's nipples are quite erect.
Styles: Are you able to make any jokes anymore than don't involve either sex or something completely tasteless about death or tragedy?
SW: It doesn't seem like it, does it? It has been a looong show. Plus, I'm a victim of my own success, I guess. Sex jokes equal L-O-Ls.
Styles: Harker up top! Frog splash misses. Massive Man rolled right out of the way. And now Massive Man is quickly heading up top. But Harker's back up. Oh NO! Splash Mountain powerbomb by Massive Man! One! Two and NO! Somehow Massive Man kicked out.
SW: Man, Harker's heading back up again? He should get busted open more often. He's going crazy in there.
Styles: Senton OH MAN! Massive Man got both knees up! Harker in some serious pain now. Back cracker by Massive Man! One! Two! No! Harker kicked out. Massive Man looking a little frustrated with Generic Ref.
SW: He isn't the first, and he won't be the last. But he's all we can afford.
Styles: Massive Man has Harker up. Double underhook into a backbreaker. Massive Man working on Harker's back now. And Massive Man just grinding his knees into Harker's spine! How brutal! And Massive Man's got him locked now in a camel clutch. And Massive Man punching the open wound over Harker's eye.
SW: Harker hasn't been this bloody since that one time Kay got her period mid-coitus.
Styles: Oh, Scotty! That's disgusting.
SW: You're welcome.
Styles: Harker trying to power his way up. Uh-oh. He's got Massive Man's legs hooked. What the hell? Oh my GOD!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Styles: Both men just went flying through the middle and top rope to the floor! That's one EXTREME way to break up the camel clutch!
SW: Seth must be killing too many brain cells drinking with the iAd! Is he crazy?
Styles: That death dive broke up the hold, but both men are hurting after it. Harker trying to climb back in. Massive Man back up. Neckbreaker connects as they go through the ropes back into the ring! Cover! One! Two! Harker's foot is on the ropes.
SW: There's Harker's apathy showing. Too lazy to even kick out.
Styles: Lazy? This match is taking a toll on both men!
SW: No way, Styles. He's too apathetic to kick out anymore.
Styles: Massive Man's got Harker up. Atomic drop. And Massive Man off the ropes with a running lariat. One! Two! No! Harker kicked out that time, Scotty. Now Massive Man looking to go high-risk. Harker's up!
Styles: NO WAY! Top rope HARKERCONRANA! Are you kidding me? Cover! One! Two! NO! Massive Man kicked out! That was close, Scotty.
SW: They went down faster than a senator in a men's restroom stall!
Styles: Both men are exhausted. Harker on his knees. And there's a...one inch eye poke?
SW: Yep. Extremely short, but extremely pokey.
Styles: Variation on his one-inch punch maneuver, I guess. Massive Man with an elbow to Harker's jaw. Harker with a chop.
Crowd: Woooo!
Styles: Massive Man with an uppercut. And another. And another. Harker responds with a kick to Massive Man's right arm. And another. Uh-oh! HELLO! Low blow city there by Massive Man, who is quickly to the middle rope. Leap Of Fate connects! That could be it! One! Two! And.....NO! Harker once again will not quit.
Crowd: Ohhhhh!
Styles: Good night! Massive Man just went to pick up Harker and he got a brutal kick to the skull! One! TWO! NO! Massive Man kicks out. Harker's got Massive Man. Suplex. And now Harker's putting him into position. We may be about to see a Shooting Seth Press! Harker's up top! But Massive Man oooooh!
SW: I think Harker's gonna have an incurable testicle disorder after the way he just landed.
Styles: Is Massive Man trying for a Krew Kutter from there? This could finish Harker right here. Harker's got his feet hooked. Oh my GOD! Harker just reversed into an inverted tornado DDT! But he can't make the cover! The Swiss Army Belt is on the line. But Harker's lost a lot of blood. It may be too much, Scotty.
SW: Yep. We waste more blood in 20 minutes than the Red Cross gets donated in a day.
Styles: Massive Man is up first. He's got Harker. Suplex. He hangs on. A second suplex! He's trying to get up Harker for a third suplex. No! Brainbuster! This one's all over now. Cover! One! Two! Three-NO! Harker kicked out! I don't believe it!
SW: Did you just see that? Generic Ref just got hit in the head with something.
Styles: Is that a HOCKEY PUCK in the ring?
["Whatever" by Our Lady Place hits.]
Styles: Oh for the love of...
SW: Hey, this is a catchy little tune. It seems somewhat familiar...hmm...
[Kay Fabe walks out, still in her Edmonton Oilers jersey and yellow tights. She quickly runs into the ring and gets behind Massive Man as he gets up.]
SW: Kay with a chop!
Crowd: Ehhhh?
Styles: Another chop!
Crowd: Ehhhh?
Styles: German suplex! And there it is! The Wiccan crossface is locked in! And Massive Man is tapping out!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! A girl made Massive Man tap out!
Styles: That's not just any girl. And you know what I mean!
SW: Yeah, yeah, it's Benoit's spirit. He's possessed Kay. I get it.
Styles: Here comes Jim! He's conscious again, but he's moving a little slowly. Oh, man! He's got an electric cord?
Jim: Let's see how YOU like it!
Seth: Don't you dare.
Styles: Oh, man. This is getting intense here.
SW: And confusing. Man. If Seth has sex with Kay when she's possessed by a dude, does that count as gay sex?
Styles: Scotty! Please! Harker and Jim now brawling. And here comes Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts. Oh, they just blindsided Jim. And now they're stomping away on Massive Man as well.
SW: Pigeon? What's he coming down here for?
Styles: Pigeon's in. He nails Trey! Pigeon Drop on Trey! But Studnuts has Pigeon up. Death Valley (Of The) NO! Pigeon got free. Pigeon Drop on Studnuts! Jim and Harker charge at Pigeon. He ducks. Double Pigeon Drop on Jim and Harker!
SW: What about this interference? What about this illegal interference by Pigeon!
Styles: The iAd and Kay Fabe started it.
[The lights go out.]
Noiseover: *RIIIIIIIIIIP*
Styles: The Undietaker!
SW: Is this match still going on? I guess it must be. Generic Ref is still out from that hockey puck. Who threw that?
Styles: Maybe it was Deus X. Masheena. Can you believe HE was here tonight?
SW: He's ALWAYS been here, Styles.
Styles: And here we go. Undietaker and Pigeon finally going at it. They're going toe to toe here. Hold on. douja just came down. He's attacking Studnuts on the floor. And here comes Insano Mano with a rake? Oh GOD! He just raked Vincent.
SW: He raped Vincent? What?
Styles: And here comes XXXtreme Machine. Oh, he just blindsided Mano. The only member of the XXXtremely bAd spelerz, or whatever he was calling his group earlier, coming to save his iAd buddies. Pete Trable? Why's HE out here?
SW: Yeah, he's been curtain jerking. Hmm...I'm guessing it has something to do with November in Nowhere. Must have some sort of fustercluck main event.
Styles: We've got more company! It's Kevin the Pyromaniac?
SW: OK, this is getting ridiculous now. Axl's out here too? And look! SMP and Death are brawling up at the entryway. Who the FUCK is this guy? Some fan?
Styles: No! That's Booger!
Booger: Prepare to be spooninated!
PT: Look out! He's got a spoon!
Styles: And BOB's newest member is unloading with his spoon! Down goes Trable! Down goes Kevin! Down goes XXXtreme Machine! And down goes Mano. Booger is cleaning house.
SW: I'd almost be impressed if he didn't have that giant snot hanging out of his nose.
Styles: Booger is the last man standing? Are you kidding me? Booger has cleared the ring. There are still fights going on around the ring...where did SMP and Death end up?
SW: I lost track of them.
Styles: Booger just grabbed Harker. He's about to be spooninated!
SH: There is no spoon. There is no spoon.
SW: Oh yes there is! Spoon, meet throat. And Harker is down and out. And look who's just coming to. Generic Ref is waking up.
Generic Ref: Zoot!
Styles: Massive Man crawling to make the cover. Not like this! He gets a hand on Harker. One!......Two!.........THREE! HEGOTHIM!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner....and STILL Swiss Army Belt champion....Massive Man Rendition First!
SW: This show should have been called Massively Clusterfucked. What a mess.
Styles: Well, fans, that's gonna do it for us here from Sin City for another crazy night here in BOB. Check the Web site to find out more about BOB heading to Nowhere, Oklahoma, and of course, about our last show of 2007 in December...MEGABRAWL. For Scotty Whatbody, I'm Mikey Styles saying, good night everybody, and oh my god.
================================================
Steve: Well?
Axl: Well... I say... you're OUTTA the Hierarchy!
Steve: WHAT?! But that match didn't show you in a negative light!
Axl: And it didn't show Totally Face in a negative light EITHER! Plus, it mentioned Nowhere, Oklahoma, my crappy EX-Hometown! YOU'RE GONE!
[Axl pushes a button in the cotrol center, a trap door opens underneath Steve's chair... and he is indeed gone. Tony is now looking extremely nervous...]
Axl: So... you got anything better to show me?
Tony: Heheh... Uhm... wellll... how 'bout this?
...
==========
Totally Dead
==========
Match 1 :
--------------
NH: The following match is a street fight.
["I Am Evil" by Darc Soulz plays. Some boos for Axl as he steps out.]
NH: Introducing first. From Sinister City, Utah. He is accompanied to the ring tonight by Rose. This is Axl.
AS: Axl is taking on the BOB establishment, and it's about time somebody did.
SW: He's facing The Great, idiot. The Great's been here less time than Axl!
AS: The Great may be new to BOB, but he's already in it deep with Trey Vincent and the powers. They're grooming him to be a part of the establishment.
SW: They, who?
AS: Trey. BigBOSS. This is all a game to them. They find soldiers who will do their bidding from the shadows. Meanwhile, Axl offers a change from the old ways and is looking to take BOB into the next decade.
SW: Aw, fuck. We're still gonna be around in three years? Fine, Alex, what is the establishment's big objective?
AS: Money. Power. They want to run our lives. And I say…I KNOW! I KNOW! And I reject it!
SW: So, you think Axl is rejecting what Trey Vincent, BigBOSS and the rest of the bookers are trying to accomplish?
AS: Think about it. He threw down the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. He threw down the Swiss Army Belt. Rejecting the status quo. And the powers that be didn't like that. They want little bootlickers to say "ooh, thank you, Lord Vincent. Please, give me more! More! More!" They wanted Axl to conform. Well, now look at Axl.
SW: You don't think the BOB titles should be respected?
["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones plays.]
NH: And his opponent. From St. Louis, Missouri. This is The Great!
AS: Tony the Tiger's favorite wrestler is here.
SW: Wait, wait. I want you to answer my question. You don't think the BOB titles should be respected? Sure, they're made out of cheap cardboard and random junk, but--
AS: You're just a bootlicker, Scotty. Quit carrying their water. A new age is upon us. Their rules are draconian. And here we go. Punches flying fast and furious in the ring. Axl and The Great trading stiff punches.
SW: I'm sure Axl would rather be trading something else stiff with The Great.
AS: Axl is thrown to the floor. Remember, folks, there is no DQ in this one. Anything goes. Axl avoids The Great and is back in the ring. Great giving chase and…
SW: A headlock? This is a streetfight. Fight!
AS: Great powering his way up. Elbows. Kick. Twist of Great! No. Axl spins out. Kick. Sinister Slice! No! Great whips Axl into the ropes. Great charges and flies through the ropes but holds on.
SW: Holy crap. He just hiptossed Axl to the floor! Nice.
AS: Great targeting Axl's legs now. He's going for a Figure Eight around the Flimsy Guardrail®. I've never seen that before, Scotty.
SW: Well, that's because it looks retarded.
AS: And Generic Ref can't make Great break the hold. Axl may have to submit here. No, The Great just broke the move. I guess he's got some more in store for Axl. The Great going under the ring and he pulls out…
SW: Of course! A CRATE!
AS: Not just a crate, Scotty. A weapons-filled crate. The Great sliding those weapons into the ring. And now what's he pulling out. A rusty metal gate? And now he tosses Axl back inside.
SW: Good. Make him bleed like the bitch he wants to be. I can't believe he enjoys being the girl in his relationship.
AS: I agree with you on that, Scotty. Axl has the right idea for taking on the establishment. But he is a psychologist's dream. Angry Stomp by The Great on Axl. Great looking to prop up the gate in the corner and put some hurting on Axl. Lookout!
*BONK*
AS: Collection plate to the skull by Axl.
SW: A collection plate? Oh, The Great's gotta be going to hell for stealing that and using it in a street fight. Think he took the money, too?
AS: It wouldn't shock me with what BOB pays and what his wife spends. Now it looks like Axl's found a DVD.
SW: A DVD? That doesn't rhyme with Great.
AS: He just connected with a swing to The Great's face. And The Great tosses the DVD away.
SW: Hey, look. It's a DVD of "Blind Date Uncensored!" No wonder why the Great brought it in.
AS: Where are you going?
SW: You think I'm going to let such a masterful DVD as that go to waste?
AS: Well, fans, Scotty's going to collect the DVD. Now Axl is putting on a pair of roller skates. And Scotty grabs the DVD and is heading back over here. Axl trying to balance himself now. Don't tell me he doesn't know how to rollerskate. Why would he put those skates on? Axl charges. And loses his balance.
SW: Bwahahaha! Did you see that? Axl just fell flat on his face. Priceless.
AS: Great's back up. And now Axl is being locked in the tree of woe. Now where's The Great going?
SW: It looks like he's talking to somebody in the audience. Oh, dude. He's a chubby chaser? What's with this fat girl he's bringing into the ring.
AS: Oh no. Don't tell me.
SW: Oh, I think I get it. She's overweight.
AS: Right you are, Scotty. She's got to be at least 300 pounds.
SW: Why are the only chicks who like wrestling 300 pounds? Why can't some chicks with huge jugs and long legs be into this sport?
AS: The Great's got her set up in the corner opposite Axl. He Irish whips her into Axl!
SW: Wow. He's gotta hate getting so close to a girl. I hear Rose has such a big clit it might as well be a penis.
AS: Excuse me? Where did you hear that?
SW: I have sources, too, Alex. Mine just find out more interesting stuff.
AS: That's truly disturbing. Great thanking this young lady for her assistance. Rose trying to rip those skates off Axl now. Oh no!
SW: Oh yes! Ice skate! Axl's gonna BLEED! Hahaha!
AS: Rose has gotten Axl free.
SW: Axl's about to do his Richard Zednik impersonation.
AS: Oh, Scotty! That's horrible.
SW: Or maybe Axl will get his dream and Great will cut off his penis so he can become the woman he's always wanted to be!
AS: Rose just threw a rollerskate at The Great! And The Great's going after her! He's got her by the hair. Axl's up. Neckbreaker on The Great. Axl quickly pulling up the Great. Oh no!
*CRUNCH*
AS: Sinister leg sweep into the wooden crate! Axl putting it all on the line to win this huge match, as the winner here no doubt will be a top contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
SW: Yeah. I'm surprised Axl would risk getting a splinter in his ass. It'd put a huge crimp in his social life.
AS: Now Axl's got the ice skate. Oh no. He holds it up high, and the crowd booing him loudly. Great's back up. Scoop Slam 5! Axl gets behind him. Oh no! He's got the ice skate to The Great's throat! Low blow by the Great!
SW: That damn trick knee.
AS: Thanks, Brain. Great rips the ice skate out of Axl's hands. Swing and a miss. Inverted DDT by Axl. Cover. One. Two. Great kicks out. Axl looking for a weapon to inflict some more violence on The Great, but he can't find one. He picks up The Great and crotches him on the top rope. Axlgeri. Great is down. One! Two! Great kicks out!
SW: We need more weapons. What a lame street fight, neither of these guys have even bladed yet. Where's that damn ice skate.
AS: Axl just found a hand weight. Looks like a five-pounder. He's waiting on Great to get up. Axl swings and misses. Great's got Axl up. What is this?
SW: Whoa!
AS: Fireman's carry facebuster! I guess we'll call that a G5?
SW: Great's been studying Brock Lesnar's moveset, I see. Axl's gotta be done after that one.
AS: Was he in that version of the video game? One! Two! Axl's foot is on the ropes. Both men are exhausted, Scotty. They've absorbed a lot of punishment so far.
SW: Great needs to put this one away. Hey, where's Rose going?
AS: She must be going to get some reinforcements. This is no DQ. Great doesn't have any friends here in BOB that I know of. Nobody can stand his constant speaking in third-person.
SW: Annoying? I find it funny. Plus he rhymes. He should find a rhyming friend of some sort…
AS: Both men trading punches here, but they tank's just about empty. Twist of Great. No. Evil-lution onto the metal gate! Oh man! That should be it! Axl drags The Great to the middle of the ring and hooks both legs. One! Two! Three! NO! Great kicked out!
SW: No way! Look at how bent that gate is!
AS: Axl is screaming at Generic Ref. Axl shoves Generic Ref. Generic Ref shoves Axl! Axl shoves him again. Lou Thesz press! Generic Ref is all over Axl!
SW: Hey, it's Pigeon!
AS: He's got The Great. Pigeon Drop! No! Twist of Great on Pigeon! Viruz is in. Twist of Great on Viruz! Oh, but Steve Roydz just damn near took his head off with that clothesline. The Hierarchy is out in full force now. There's Pete Trable. And he's got a home plate. Roydz holding The Great, who can't move.
*WHUMP*
SW: What the hell? The Great didn't move. Trable's aim is terrible.
AS: He just totally missed The Great and blasted Steve Roydz in the head with home plate. And Axl saw that. Axl shoves Trable.
SW: Maybe Pete's really drunk. He's got to be to be hanging out with the Hierarchy losers.
AS: CD! CD! CD! Compacted Disc on Axl!
[Pete gets a pop from the crowd for that.]
AS: Great drags up Axl. Twist of Great! Cover! One! Two! Three!
SW: Wow. Is Pete cool again finally? He hasn't been cool in like five years since he vanished from the Rant Zone. Remember when he was plunder for the Drudleyz?
AS: I don't get this. Why would Trable turn on Axl and the Hierarchy?
SW: Because they suck?
AS: Well fans, we're not going to find out on this show. Maybe there will be some explanation in the Rant Zone from The Great and Pete Trable this week. What a shocker. Stay tuned. We're on the march. The empire's on the run! Alex Smith fighting corruption in BOB!
================================================
Axl: ... YOU BASTARD! You're gonna... you're... ... Tony?
[Axl looks to his left, but Tony Spaghetti is nowhere in sight...]
Axl: The hell... Hm. Well... I guess I''ll just go ahead and play the other match he selected... couldn't be much worse. But seeing as how the Golden Girls is on, I'll just play this thing and head out. True Believers in the name of all that is Axl... peace be with you. And here's to my second coming being the greatest in the history of this business! ... Second only to that of a certain... Jobber Slayer. Check the vid.
Axl: Blanche... here I come! "*singing* And if ya threw a part-ay, invited everyone ya knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say - thank you for bein' a friend!!!" Gotta love the Girls! WOOHOO!
...
|continued...|
