Post by $hane |-|orn 3ryant on Jan 28, 2010 17:29:54 GMT -5
svw.freesmfhosting.com/index.php
I roleplay there as my alter ego, THE Mac Bry. Axl and Reeve are currently his partners in the mWo... along with Mac's girlfriend, a character based on my real life girl, Krystal Dawn.
I've posted three 'video blogs' over there ;
- THE MacLash : Episode 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- THE MacLash : Episode 2
Part 1 -
Part 2 -
And yes, I know my hair's fucked to hell.
..................
- Plus, I wrote a match for the upcoming show, which is the last one before the big Valentine's supershow, Climax. I call this the 'Royal Royale', a parody of... well, you know.
Here goes ;
[Aggression heads to the ring, where standing in the center of the circled square, is not Kathy Peek, but WSE ring announcer guy 'Rat Bore'.]
Rat: Hi there ho there many peoples in audience of that which is to being Violently Sexual Wrestling!
Fans: ...
Rat: For many ages, my people have saying ; You no get this! You no get this, damn german! And with that much, enjoy this the show match, you bitch cake chicken fuckers!
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to WSE's contribution to this pre-Climax edition of Aggression!
Rex Winters: And welcome to another show that makes me wish so GAT DAMN much I announced regularly for this show instead of... ugh, Nitro.
Wes: Yes, that's right sports fans, WSE Nitro! And it's making its season premiere tonight, right after Aggression, only on the Disney Channel!
Rex: Jesus Christ... the DISNEY CHANNEL. The frickin' DISNEY Channel over here! Just... just shoot me. Please. Get it over with...
Rat Bore: Following being first EVER of Royal Royales in here which is Sexy Time Violin Wrestling! 40 mans! 40 womens! 40 items of inanimate! Only some of each! Time for guy who fucked as can be to make entry way!
Wes: Rat's got it right, Rex. Whomever drew first has got his work more than cut out for him.
Rex: And I care because... ?
Wes: ... And awaaay we GO!
["I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays, and out comes... D-Jobberation X's HeadAche Kid? ... Isn't he already in the eight person tag at Climax?]
Wes: NO! Dammit Narrator, we went over this what has to be a thousand times! That's Ron Mitchells, the HeadAche Kid's evil half brother! Which means, if he wins this thing, then he would be teaming with the brother he's hated for many, many years! Would the team be able to co-exist?!
[Probably, seeing as how that's just HAK in a goofy blonde wig and shiny mirror pants, instead of a balding head of brown hair, a goofy cowboy hat, and hot pink and lime green D-JX pants. I mean... look at him. It's the exact same friggin' dude!]
Wes: Not listening! Rat Bore, on with the introduction!
[Simply ricockulous...]
Rat: Him first being ; HEAD ACHE KID!
Wes: God DAMMIT!
[HA!
]
Rex: He got'cha there, dipshit...
Wes: Zip it.
["I'm Too Sexy" continues to play, and HeadAche - er, Ron Mitchells struts down the ramp, tagging the hands of a few people. ... Who'm I kidding, nobody's giving this guy the time of day. Poor bastard... Anyway, he gets in the ring, and Rat continues.]
Rat: And opponent of his! Him be Calgary, Alberta, Canadian! Him be Crippled! Him be Rabid! Him be Prove Me Wrong! Champion of Former WCW... 27 time WWWWWWWWWFE Heavy World Champion Weight... 1 time Royal Rumbles winner... CHRIS.............................................. BENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!~!!~!1a2b L
Rex: Damn that's a major over use of letters and punctuation!
Rat: That's my bacon!
Rex: ... The fuck?
Wes: Yes sports fans, it's the man once believed to be dead! "Once", as in until just before this ring introduction! It's Chris Benoyt! ... I mean Chris BENOIT! Damn Rat Bore...
Rex: We are SO going to hell...
Wes: Whadya mean?
Rex: Nothing...
Wes: Benoit is wearing the legendary "4 Real" spandex tights, and is popping his neck to the left and right as he was always known to do. Plus, he's in a wheelchair and foaming at the mouth.
Rex: Yeah, minor details... Is this seriously happening? Jani was so right, this shit is just... so... wrong. It makes me feel icky.
Wes: Icky or not, Benoit is ready to RUMBLE!
Rex: Even though he can't get into the ring because... well, the guy's in a goddam wheelchair. Can somebody help him in PLEASE?! I seriously don't want to spend my entire night watching a murderer get into a wrestling ring on a wheelchair while he's foaming at the mouth...
Wes: While we're waiting for someone to get their lazy ass over there and assist this guy, and hopefully not to another suicide... I'll go over the rules of this match. They're simple ; 40 different entrants, ranging from men, to women, to, as has been mentioned, inanimate objects... there will be two initial participants, and every 3 minutes a new competitor will step into the fray. At the end of the approximately 2 hour match, there will be a sole survivor, and that survivor will go on to take the fourth spot in Team WSE... to meet Team mWo, at Climax.
Rex: Yup... simple. Just like all the other WSE matches that require an instruction manual to understand... Just call us TNA 2.0.
Wes: Well, Benoit is finally in the ring, and... there's the bell! And Benoit is off and chasing Mitchells around the ring with that wheelchair!
Rex: ... THIS IS RETARDED!
Wes: Mitchells... Mitchells just eliminated HIMSELF! He just could not stand being chased around by that wheelchair!
Rex: *smashing his face against the desk* KILL... ME... NOW...
Wes: Benoit is raising his fists to the heavens above!
Rex: Which is the closest he'll ever find himself to that place...
Wes: The buzzer has sounded and it's time for another entrant...
Speakers: STAND BACK... A DAN is comin' through!
Wes: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S DAN! IT'S DAN! HOLY SHIT, IT'S DAN!
Rex: Who the FUCK is 'Dan'?
Wes: SUPER Dan! The even more heroic step-brother of EWC's Super Jason!
Rex: How is he "more heroic"?
Wes: He once saved a cat from a tree!
Rex: ... Wow.
Wes: SuperDan flies down the ramp! SuperDan slides under the bottom rope! SuperDan -
Rex: "SuperDan" is now running from Chris Benoit in that fucking wheelchair. Does this match even have a point?
Wes: To crown a fourth member of Team WSE for Climax!
Rex: Oh... so we're trying to find out who else gets jobbed out by the mWo besides D-JX and John Semen. Got'cha.
Wes: SuperDan... DAMMIT!
Rex: Ha! He flew, Wes! Right over the top rope, and that wheelchair's chased off yet another potential "winner". This match just gets worse and worse, honestly...
10...
9...
8...
Wes: Well, we're counting down to another entrant.
Rex: The only way this match could save itself is if someone WORTHY entered into it...
7...
6...
5...
Rex: Someone strong... smart... and quick as a whip... and dammit, I think I know just the man for the job!
4... 3... 2...
...1!!!
[The buzzer sounds, and in comes...]
Wes: REX?! Dammit Rex, you can't make it in that ring, you'll get torn apart!
Rex: By this cripple? Seriously? *looks at Benoit* Ha! Chris, you've REALLY let yourself go, lemme tell ya. Ya look like f'n Old Yeller with that froth at your lips! C'mon, just TRY and chase me, I DARE ya!
Benoit: PROVE ME WRONG!!!
Rex: Is that all you ever say? You're like a broken frickin' record... you know what, speaking of "broken", how about I break your neck? Or your arm? How about I just break that ugly FACE of yours! Benoit... you're dead. And I'm gonna prove... me... RIGHT!
[Rex magically pulls out a dumb bell... and a rope. He ties the rope 'round the dumb bell, before smiling deviously at Benoit.]
Rex: Second time's the charm.
Wes: Don't do it Rex! He's not worth it! And besides, we'll probably get sued by Spooky for this segment, so it's best if we didn't dig ourselves TOO deep... Crap, and I was planning on entering as "Wes Guerrero". So much for that idea...
[Rex wraps the loose end of the rope around Benoit's throat, as "The Crippler" tries desperately to break free. Rex then lugs the dumb bell over to the ropes... and heaves it over, sending the dumb bell, the rope, AND Benoit all over the top rope!]
Rat Bore: Him is eliminate, Benoit with first name of Chris! Everybody happy!
Wes: You can say that again, we were about to get SVW kicked off the air. Or... pay-per-view. Wait... can you even get kicked off ppv?
Rex: Hell if I know.
Wes: Oh, Rex? You're back at the desk!
Rex: Yeppers. I just HAD to ditch that murderous bastard myself. Plus... I really just got tired of seeing people running around from a fuckin' wheelchair. After I tossed that idiot, I went ahead and eliminated myself. Because there's no chance in hell I'm getting my ass kicked by the mWo... leave that to the bum that "wins" this half-baked match.
Wes: Well sports fans, after the break, we'll -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back!
Rex: Just like WWE... RIGHT in the middle of the action. Well... talking. Jeez, SVW doesn't wait around for anything to get a few bills paid ... Wait, isn't this ppv? Where the hell do we get 'ads'?
Wes: ANYWAY... during the break, the ring filled with entrants # 5 - 20.
Rex: Wait a damn minute... that break was only like four or five minutes long... wouldn't it take like, an hour to -
Wes: AHEM! The list reads off like a who's not of professional amateur fake-ass e-sports entertainment wrasslin' SUPERSTARS!
#5 : The Rock
#6 : Stone Cold Stick Awesome
#7 : "Hollywood" Hulk Glue Gun
#8 : "Nature Toy" Tick Flair
#9 : Scott Ball
#10 : Kevin 'Stache
#11 : 6-Pack
#12 : Jeff Arbyz
#13 : THE Fryin' Kendrick
#14 : Mr. Christmas Tree... Christmas Tree
#15 : Mick Doiley
#16 : String
#17 : "The Pasty Boy" Saggy Knobb
#18 : Taz
#19 : Val Penis
and
#20 : "Macho Chair" Wheelie Savage
Rex: Ok... that just looks like a bunch of random junk to me. And that one is just the frickin' wheelchair with HeadAche Kid's dorky cowboy hat tacked on.
Wes: No, no, Rex, they're obviously LEGENDS!
Rex: Wes, it's a rock, a stick, a glue gun, a "The Tick" action figure, a ball, a fake mustache, a six pack of beer, an empty "Arby's" bag, a frying pan, a CRAPPY looking Christmas tree, a doiley, a piece of string, a broken door knob, a Taz looney tunes plushie, a... dildo. ... the less said about that, the better... and of course, the FUCKING wheelchair. Please don't tell me we have to watch that gathering of garbage day leftovers for THREE MINUTES!
Wes: Nyope, because we've just passed the 3 minute mark, and you know what THAT means!
Rex: ... Somebody's coming out?
Wes: Literally!
Rex: ... Huh?
Wes: It's time for our first ACTUAL WSE entrant!
["Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" hits, and out comes... some dude in the flashiest of hot pink attire. His hair is wild and multi-colored, and his nails are painted a bright ice blue. His lips are glossed, and his eyebrows are plucked...]
Wes: It's raYne!
Rex: Oh dear lord no... I HATE this guy! Please tell me someone good like Redd W. Bloo or Val Halla is coming out next to beat the shit out of this moron?!
Wes: Sorry Rex, but not for another two or three pages of the script...
Rex: Dammit...
Wes: Yes sports fans, the openly homosexual "Storm" of World Sports Entertainment is here! He rushes down to the ring, and slides in under the bottom rope... and... he stops. raYne, take it to those icons of this sport! Show them what you've got! Show SVW! Show the WORLD!
Rex: ... THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS! Are you DENSE man?!
Wes: Rex, stop it with the breaking kay fabe! Oy vey!
Rex: ... You've GOT to be kidding me?! Anyone can see that this is... wait, what in the hell? raYne is laying down?! ... And now he's draping Hulk Glue Gun over himself?! ... YES!!! You go girl! Get yourself eliminated! There truly IS a god!
Wes: The ref is stunned by this... and quite frankly, so am I.
[And then... "Iron Man" played over the speakers. And the Earth stood still.]
Wes: OH GOD NO!!! It can't be!
Rex: ... Shit. Maybe this isn't as good as I had hoped... If that bastard is involved, then...
[Vince Russo walks solemnly down the aisle, stopping at the edge of the ring, bellowing into a microphone.]
Russo: GOD DAMMIT! Referee, count the fuckin' fall! That basta'd Hulkst'a wants his belt, then fuckin' give it tah him! But Glue Gun, lemme tell ya this, and I hope ya old geez'a ass is listenin' : That belt can be the Hulk Glue Gun memorial belt as far as I'm concerned, cuz as for WSE, your ass is HISTORY!!! Ya damn... GLUE GUN! Think you OWN the place! With ya nozzle that dispenses adhesive substances!
[The referee looks at Russo as if he's mentally handicapped.]
Rex: The referee's mentally handicapped?
[RUSSO!]
Rex: Ohhh...
[But, the ref does as he's told, and counts the one, two, three. Even though this is an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Jesus christ...]
Rat Bore: raYne him be eliminate! I guess!
Rex: This is a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MATCH! Damn it to hell!
Wes: And we're down to the Final 35!
Rex: You mean we got rid of a whole FIVE already?! AWESOME! SRSLY! I'm NOT being sarcastic! Fuck it, I'm clawing my eyes out... somebody hand me "Stone Cold" Stick Awesome...
Rat Bore: Now for being entry way numero number 22... Vincent Kennedy Russo!
Rex: ... I hate this match so much I hate myself. And trust me, that takes ALOT... I'm so loveable.
Wes: Russo is apparently shocked by this development, not expecting to be involved with this contest in THIS form. Russo looks around himself... before pouncing on The Rock! Russo is dismanteling Rocky single-handedly! It's unbelievable!
Rex: Not really... it's not Dwayne Johnson, for cryin' out loud, it's just a damn piece of chalk rock!
Wes: Russo lifts the rock up, and drops it down upon Hollywood Glue Gun!
Russo: DAMN YOU GLUE GUN! Damn... you... straight... to... HELL~!!!1a
Wes: Russo has broken the Hulkster!
Rex: ... This is just plain obnoxious. I'm about to flip the channel...
Wes: You can't Rex, you're here. Live. You're not watching it on tv.
Rex: Oh FUCK... I'm in HELL!!!
Wes: Russo gathers up the bits of the glue gun, and chucks them over the top rope. Glue Gun has been eliminated! He then tosses The Rock over... and there goes another elimination!
Rex: Whoopie-dee-goddam-doo... We're nowhere near the end, so I'm totally unenthralled. This is about as action-packed as a battle royal on Smackdown... especially the one where Khali won. God that sucked... but somehow, some way this tops the sheer sucktitude of Khali's battle royal victory. And that, my friends, is saying something...
Wes: Russo is staring down Mick Doiley!
Rex: The dude's "staring down" a table covering. ... How much does that speak for the man's IQ? I mean, seriously?
Wes: Doiley is awaiting Russo to make the first move...
Rex: Because obviously "Mick" can't make it...
Wes: Russo drops an elbow on Doiley! And it connects!
Rex: ... GODDAM IT! That's it, Wes, you can do this shit with Narrator, or you can do it yourself, but I'm out of here...
Wes: But Rex!
[Sorry Wes... he's gone.]
Wes: Well... crap. ... Wait! I've got an idea! Narrator, call back Rex!
Rex: Hey.
Wes: ... That was quick.
[I'm MAGIC!]
Rex: So... what is it?
Wes: This is a HARDCORE Royal Royale! And there's 18 entrants left!
Rex: Wait, so you're telling me those are streetfight weapons?
Wes: ... Yup!
Rex: I thought you said, like, that's "Stone Cold Stick Awesome"...
Wes: It's a stick, Rex, a stick! Nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: ... and I thought you said THAT was "Mick Doiley" ...
Wes: A table cloth, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: And how about "Val Penis"?
Wes: A dildo, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: Ok... fine. So who are the first participants in this "Hardcore" Royal Royale?
Wes: Well, the first is Vince Russo.
Rex: Oh brother...
Wes: And the second will be out here after these -
- ads -
Wes: And welcome back sports fans! WSE StupidStar, Jack Bull, the Southern Fried Country Boy, is standing mid-ring, fists balled up and ready to lay it down on Russo!
Rex: And THANKFULLY, Russo just fled from the ring! We're finally down to seventeen!
Wes: Just in time for the buzzer!!!
Speakers: Well he's Ameeee-heeee-heeeericaaaannn... Maaaaaaade!!!
Rex: THANK GOD!!! He's HERE! A star that's actually worth a damn! And it's not even me!
["Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen hits, and a pre-recorded "U-S-A!" chant plays... red, white and blue lights flash across the stage and ring, and the patriotic hero 'Redd W. Bloo' marches out from the curtains, hoisting the American flag.]
Rex: I pledge allegiance to KICKIN' ASS!!!~!
Wes: Well, your BOYFRIEND's here...
Rex: Hey! He is NOT my boyfriend! Just because I hold the record for most posters of another man taped across my walls... and perhaps a shrine or two... does NOT mean I'm gay for the guy! He's an American HERO!
Wes: Not to mention the fact he has an ego the size of Washington D.C. ...
Rex: And why shouldn't he! He was - Booorn... in the U S AAAA, he was -
Wes: ANYWAY... Redd W. Bloo stomps into the ring, and as Bull goes for a fist to the mush, Bloo catches it... and -
Rex: BIG BOOT! Bull just got sent head over heels from that simply MONSTROUS big boot! And now my man Bloo is grabbing the stick for this "hardcore" Royale... he lifts it up... before cracking it across Bull's side!
Wes: Jack Bull is writhing in pain! Bull may be just as patriotic as his current opponent, but as for muscle mass... Bloo has him beyond beat in that area.
Rex: Bull reminds me of Jamie Noble.
Wes: You mean in physique and personality?
Rex: Nope. In the fact that, after Bloo gets done with him, Bull may be out of a job. Just call Redd the American Sheamus.
Wes: Well, irregardless, Bloo is really taking it to poor Bull... but the buzzer has just sounded! We're about to see another entrant!
Speakers: It's-a me... a-MARIO~!!!
Rex: Oh NO!
Wes: I sense back-up arriving for Jack!
Rex: It's that damn do-gooder, Major Mario! He needs to keep his nose out of this!
Wes: Well... he IS in the match, Rex...
Rex: Oh... well, still, that's not the point! He needs to go after Jeff Arbyz or something!
Wes: That's an empty Arby's bag!
Rex: WHATEVER!
Wes: Major Mario stampedes down the ramp, slides into the ring, and begins to blast away on Redd W. Bloo with those Mushroom Kingdom sized rights! Bloo is being backed up into a corner... Mario backs up to the other side of the ring... before hitting a VICOUS splash, colliding with Bloo! And Bloo is left sprawled out, center of the ring.
10...
9...
8...
Wes: The big screen is counting down the seconds until the next entrant... uh... enters!
7...
6...
5...
Rex: I just hope it's not someone worse than Russo or raYne... or another inanimate object...
4... 3... 2...
... 1!
Speakers: EL TACO! UNO BURRITO! DEL GRANNNDDDEEE'~!!!
["Low Rider" by War hits, and the "Fat Ass Luchador", Mr. E, walks through the curtains... and already has to catch his breath!]
Wes: ASTOUNDING!
Rex: Well, while fatty catches his breath, Bloo and Mario are going back and forth inside the ring...
Wes: Mario swings a left, but Bloo ducks under, turns around, and drops Mario with a reverse ddt! Bloo springs off the ropes, leaps into the air, and drops down upon Mario with a forceful body splash! He brought down all his weight with that one! Bloo then grabs onto Mario's hair, and tries to chuck him over the top... but Mario clings to the ropes. Mario elbows Bloo in the gut, before tossing Bloo over the top himself! But Bloo hangs on! Bloo rolls back into the ring under the bottom rope... he picks Mario's legs, climbs onto him, and starts pounding away with rights and lefts aplenty!
Rex: Finally, we're getting a little bit of action here! And Mr. E is still far, far from the ring, so hopefully the good stuff will keep on coming!
Wes: Bloo irish whips Mario into the ropes... the Plumbing Punisher springs off, comes toward Redd W. .... SPINEBUSTER! Spine on the pine!
Rex: Yes!
Wes: Mr. E is on the apron!
Rex: No!
Wes: Bloo whips Mario into Mr. E. ... and E is sent flying through the air, crashing into the fan barricade!
Rex: Yahoo! Man, I hope that counts as an elimination...
Referee: I'll allow it!
Rex: HELL YES!
Wes: And Mario and Bloo are back to fighting one another. Bloo raises Mario above his head, in a gorilla press... before dropping Mario down, face first, over the top turnbuckle! Mario is stumbling... Bloo bounces off the ropes, comes back, and goes for his finisher, the Old Glory clothesline! ... But Major Mario ducks under! Mario turns around, and hooks Bloo up for the Warp-Pipe Plex!!! One German Suplex... he rolls through... and there's the second, with a release! AND BLOO IS SENT OVER THE TOP! He... is... OUTTA THERE!
Rex: FUCK!
Wes: But Jack Bull just came up from behind Mario... and he dumped HIM over the top rope!
Rex: I totally forgot about him...
Wes: And so did Major Mario! Mario's gone, and that leaves Bull alone in the ring momentarily.
Rex: Besides the buncha "hardcore" junk...
10 ... 9 ... 8 ...
Wes: Sports fans, we'll be back right after these -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back! Inside the ring is Jack Bull, Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead, "The Extrateresstrial Sk8er Boi" Zorlax Firling, The Brown Power Ranger, "The Darkly Black Emo Dude" Kruzifix, "The l33t hAX0r" Viruz, "The All-Around All-Star Athlete" Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse, and the 16 year old warrior, Goo the Adventurer!
Rex: Wow... that's alotta guys. All in like... six minutes. Talk about heading into rush mode...
Wes: Goo rushes into Zorlax, who lifts Goo up into the air... Goo leaps over Zorlax, and winds up smacking Jippy in the face with a missile dropkick! Jippy flies over the top rope... but hangs on! Jippy soars back into the ring, sunset flipping over Viruz, rolling this into a sharpshooter... but Viruz ends up turning this somehow into his patented "Viruz Skan" dragonsleeper! He's trying to weaken Jippy up to toss him over the top rope!
Rex: Or, he coulda just forgot you can only win the match by tossing your opponents over the top rope. All these guys are about as dumb as a bag of snails!
Wes: But don't let THEM hear you say that!
Rex: Oh ho ho... I won't.
Wes: LMNOP goes for a superkick to Kruzifix, but Kruz ducks under... and LMNOP slams his foot into the face of the Brown Ranger! And Brownie is sent flying over the top rope! Both feet touch the floor, and the Ranger is GONE!
Rex: Holy smokes! We're ACTUALLY down to 13 entrants! It's a damn miracle!
Wes: Zorlax just drove the wheel chair across the ring, and into the abdomen of Jippy Jam! Jippy collapses onto the chair, and Zorlax dumps Jippy AND the chair out and over the top rope!
Rex: 12!!! 12 entrants, vlah ha ha!
Wes: Zorlax then goes for a flying forearm to Kruzifix, but the bigger man ducks down a bit, and proceeds to backbody drop Zorlax up and over the top to the outside! Kruz turns around and smiles down at the fallen Firling, admiring his handiwork... but the emo monster receives a DILDO to the back!
Rex: Viruz just slapped Kruzifix in the back with a dildo! ... I can NOT believe I just said that...
Wes: And the dildo didn't do any good, unfortunately for Vi...
Rex: Come on, he honestly thought that was gonna work? I mean, I know the guy's dumb, but he must be even dumber than I thought!!!
Wes: Kruz spins around, hooks his meaty claws around Vi's throat... lifts him up, and tosses him abruptly over shoulder, and over the top rope! Viruz HAS been eliminated!!
Rex: Kruz is going ballistic on the other three men left in the ring! Chokeslam to Jack Bull! Powerbomb to Goo the Adventurer! DDT to Luscious Melancholony uh... whatever the hell that guy's name is!
Wes: Kruzifix lifts up Jack Bull... and he's going for the Crown of the Thorns, a modified tombstone!
Rex: "Modified" in name alone...
Wes: And he hits it! Bull is out like a light. Kruz pulls Bull over to the ropes, and topples him over... and Bull is the next one off the list!
Rex: We needed this Kruzifix guy a while back! He's swattin' 'em like flies! We wouldn't have had to go through all this if Kruz was entrant #1! He's my pick to go all... the... WAY!
Wes: Kruzifix is stalking Goo and LMNOP... they're both cowering away from the larger man... we could be ready to add another two notches on the chalk board...
[Suddenly, "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down hits, and WSE's resident super hero, SuperGuyManDudePerson, flies down the ramp, sliding in under the bottom rope, and... he flies through the air with a cross-body block!]
Wes: Supes just collided with Kruzifix, sending them BOTH over the top rope and to the outside!
Rex: Now how dumb was THAT?! What kinda dipshit eliminates himself just to eliminate someone else?!
Wes: A SUPER dipshit!
Rex: ... Ah.
Wes: Goo tosses the ball at LMNOP's head... which bounces off. ... LMNOP is MAD!
Rex: And I'm mad this isn't over yet...
Wes: LMNOP grabs the frying pan, and tosses THAT at Goo! And... that hurts just a bit more than the plastic ball?
Rex: Ya THINK?!
Wes: Goo falls to his knees, and LMNOP runs in with a flying dropkick to the mush... Goo drops flat on his face, and LMNOP grabs ahold of the string... before wrapping this around Goo's neck and beginning to choke him out!
Rex: Goo is thrashing about wildly, but it's of no use! Goo finally manages to grab the door knob, which he uses to swing backward, connecting with LMNOP's head! Luscious stumbles backward... Goo bounces off the ropes, leap up, and snaps off a lightning quick hurricanrana!
Wes: LMNOP is dazed and confused! And now Goo's grabbing the 6-pack!
Rex: I guess HE wants to be dazed and confused?
Wes: Goo shakes up the pack... before spraying all six cans all over the prone body of LMNOP! Luscious is bathing in suds!
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...
Wes: There's only five more entrants left in this contest! Who could they be?!
3... 2...
Rex We're about to find out one of them right now...
... 1!!!
Speakers: N-I-C... K-E-Y... M-O-W-S-E!!!
["It's a Small World Land" by the Goof Troop hits, and out comes everybody's favorite "Rated G Stupid Star", Nickey Mowse! He has buck-teeth, long, brown hair... He wears a hat which is black with mickey mouse-like ears... big, yellow gloves... red shorts with yellow buttons... He wears a plain, black t-shirt... and big, floppy, yellow bowling shoes. He is, indeed, the crappiest looking mickey mouse imposter in HISTORY!]
Rex: Now there's an achievement to write home about...
Wes: He may look crummy for a mickey mouse, but he's not too shabby for a jobber. Which is... well, what he pretty much amounts to.
Rex: Hey! What happened to all that talk about not breaking kay fabe?!
Wes: ... Me no speaky english!
Rex: That won't work! ... Not a second time, anyway...
Wes:
[Mowse slides into the ring...]
Wes: Right fist to LMNOP, left fist to Goo, and they've both been sent crumbling to the canvas!
Rex: Nickey picks up the Christmas tree... and he brings it crashing down over LMNOP and Goo!!! Not as if that's really going to hurt... but who'm I too nit pick.
Wes: Isn't that all you ever do?
Rex:
Wes: Mowse crouches down in a corner... and as soon as LMNOP stands, Mowse goes for the spear... but LMNOP dives out of the way! And Mowse spears Goo!!! And they BOTH are sent over the top rope... to the OUTSIDE!!!
Rat Bore: Eliminate they is Goo Man Chew and he of Mowse!
Wes: We're down to the Final Five!
Rex: HALLE-FRICKIN'-LUJAH~!!!
Wes: LMNOP is left, inside the ring, grabbing at his stomach, as he's had a sore time in there.
["Back in Black" hits... and the lights go black and white]
Rex: And it looks like he's about to have even MORE sore time! Bwahahaha! The boss is HERE!
Wes: Oh right, suck up to him, eh Rex?
Rex: Well, I figure, Jack Hoff is gone, Mac Bry is now writing the checks... may as well cater to the guy that actually matters, right?
Wes: But it's not just THE Mac that's coming out... it's Reeve and Axl as well! What do the InsideOutsiders and Mac have to do with this? I mean, I understand this match determining their opponent, but they couldn't possibly have anything on their mind other than disrupting things!
Rex: They're getting into the ring... and Mac is whispering something to the ref? And now the ref is telling Rat something...
Rat Bore: Entrant way numero numbers of 37, 38, 39... they be m... W... ooo!!! Great job!
Wes: Wait a damn minute! You're telling me not just one, not just two, but all THREE members of the mWo are now in this?! LMNOP does not stand a CHANCE!
Rex: This is GREAT!
Wes: How is this "great"?! This isn't right! Mac can't do this!
Rex: This match is sanctioned by WSE, right? And Mac is the new Chairman of WSE! So he can do any damn thing he pleases!
Wes: Argghh... I cannot believe this! Sports fans, will ANYone be able to stand a chance against the combined force of the mWo in this Royal Royale?!
Rex: I don't think so, and I LOVE it!
Wes: LMNOP charges at Mac... but Reeve and Axl hit the double clothesline just as Luscious comes close. Axl and Reeve are laying in the boots... but wait, Reeve just pushed Axl away! He's acting as if Reeve was in the way of his "territory"! These men need to stick together if they truly are to be a team!
Rex: Oh come on, Wes, Reeve's just showing off! Axl totally understands that!
Wes: Yes, because when it comes to the ring, that's about all the mWo DOES understand...
Rex: How rude...
Wes: Irregardless, Reeve grabs up LMNOP sends him into the ropes... but LMNOP hooks himself on. Axl goes to deliever a blow, but LMNOP ducks under and drops Axl to the outside! I can't believe it!
Rex: DAMNIT!!! That's impossible! ... Well, there's still Reeve and Mac! I KNOW one of them will take this victory home!
Wes: What happens if they do, though? They won't compete on BOTH teams...
Rex: Exactly! It'll be a four on three HANDICAP match! There will be NO fourth member for Team WSE! It'll be GREAT!
Wes: And speaking of a fourth member, here comes Mac's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn, from out of the audience... wearing a referee shirt?! She pulls the ref out of the ring, and blasts him with a pair of brass knux! She's getting into the ring... and Mac is OF COURSE completely fine with this!
Rex: Now we've got a REAL official in the ring!
Wes: You mean attractive official, right Rex?
Rex: ... Yes. But don't hold it against me! ... Hold HER against me!
Wes: Reeve slings LMNOP into the ropes once again... and Axl is prepping to latch onto LMNOP's boot... but LMNOP reverses the irish whip at the very last second! And Axl accidentally trips up Reeve! Reeve turns around and stares menacingly at his "partner"...
Rex: HOLY HELL! LMNOP just dropkicked Reeve out of the ring! DAMMIT! ... But Krystal just shoved LMNOP up and over! Yipee!
Wes: Now come ON! That CAN'T be legal!!!
Mac: I'll allow it!
Wes: AGH!!!
Rex: It's just Mac and some unknown, but whoever it doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell!
Wes: Yeah, not with Mac's girlfriend as the ref, and Mac's buddies outside! This is ludicrous!
Chris Bridges: Nope, that'd be me.
Wes: Who the hell are you?
Chris Bridges: Ludacris. And I'm sooo hood!
Wes: ...
Rex: Mac is motioning toward the curtains for entrant #40 to "just bring it"...
Rat Bore: Entry way... number numero fourtieth... he be other none than...
[SUDDENLY... the lights cut out. "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie hits... and the lights return... with Mac layed out in the middle of the squared circle, surrounded by a pool of his own blood!]
Rex: Holy SHIT! It's... It's...
Wes: It's the UnderBaker! We haven't seen him in months!
Rex: The Chef of Death has returned! I may just have to change my pick!
Wes: You mean AGAIN...
Rex: Shaddap!
['Baker slides his thumb across his throat, signaling for the demise of THE Mac. 'Baker lifts up Mac, brings him up in powerbomb position... before dumping Mac over the top rope with the "Last Meal" jacknife, all the way to the floor!]
Wes: He DID IT! The UnderBaker has returned to WSE, and with one swift motion, he's catapulted himself into Climax!
Rex: The Chef of Death is back, and like it or not, I have to admit he's prepped to dismantle the mWo, even if he has to it WITHOUT D-Joberration X and John Semen!
['Baker lowers to one knee, and extends a hand to the sky, holding a loave of bread... as "Eat It" by 'Weird' Al Yankovic plays over the speaker system. UnderBaker rises up, and grabs a microphone, the music continuing to play, with the arena engulfed in a funky black light effect...]
UnderBaker: Mac... as well as the rest of the mWo... you have tempted the fates one time too many. The Temple of Buttered Toast declares... that on the second Monday, of the second month, of the tenth year, of the third millenium... that a Savior of Sacred Muffins WILL bring down that which is wicked... in the eyes of the almighty Wheat. Mac Bry... Axl, Reeve... Krystal... mWo. As sure as I am John Semen and D-Jobberation X are prepared for the task at hand... I am even more prepared to take care of you wretched souls alone. For I will make certain... that, without a shadow of a doubt... the four of you WILL...
Rest...
...in...
YEEEAAASSSTTT!!!!
[As the UnderBaker rolls his eyes into the back of his skull, "Eat It" rises in volume, and a few of the SVW faithful seemingly have taken a liking to "The Chef of Death".]
Wes: Sports fans, what can I tell you, but, ORDER CLIMAX!
Rex: Climax is shaping up to be a rocket buster... and no, I have no clue WHAT that means.
Wes: The WSE vs mWo eight-person tag match ALONE is promising to be a killer match... and I've just received word from Spook Dawg that it will not just be a eight-person tag, but that it will be the first EVER 'War Games' match in SVW history! Two rings, two cages, and only one team will walk away with the victory!
Rex: Pal... business is picking up.
Wes: It sure is. Mac is a bloody mess in the ring, UnderBaker is standing tall, and Axl and Reeve are arguing on the outside over who's fault this loss is... while Krys simply tries to restore peace to the InsideOutsiders, and the mWo as a whole. Sports fans, we've gotta send it to -
- ads -
=============================
The thing is, the owner says he's going to have to cut it down from that [16 pages] to like, 4 or 5, maybe even 2 or 3. John, haven't we had matches that were longer than 4 or 5 pages? He says that's the norm for that fed's "formula". I just call it a limitation... what do you think?
It's an ok fed, but they've kinda restricted my parody style. Which is why I love BOB.
- Shane-o
I roleplay there as my alter ego, THE Mac Bry. Axl and Reeve are currently his partners in the mWo... along with Mac's girlfriend, a character based on my real life girl, Krystal Dawn.
I've posted three 'video blogs' over there ;
- THE MacLash : Episode 1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- THE MacLash : Episode 2
Part 1 -
Part 2 -
And yes, I know my hair's fucked to hell.
..................
- Plus, I wrote a match for the upcoming show, which is the last one before the big Valentine's supershow, Climax. I call this the 'Royal Royale', a parody of... well, you know.
Here goes ;
[Aggression heads to the ring, where standing in the center of the circled square, is not Kathy Peek, but WSE ring announcer guy 'Rat Bore'.]
Rat: Hi there ho there many peoples in audience of that which is to being Violently Sexual Wrestling!
Fans: ...
Rat: For many ages, my people have saying ; You no get this! You no get this, damn german! And with that much, enjoy this the show match, you bitch cake chicken fuckers!
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to WSE's contribution to this pre-Climax edition of Aggression!
Rex Winters: And welcome to another show that makes me wish so GAT DAMN much I announced regularly for this show instead of... ugh, Nitro.
Wes: Yes, that's right sports fans, WSE Nitro! And it's making its season premiere tonight, right after Aggression, only on the Disney Channel!
Rex: Jesus Christ... the DISNEY CHANNEL. The frickin' DISNEY Channel over here! Just... just shoot me. Please. Get it over with...
Rat Bore: Following being first EVER of Royal Royales in here which is Sexy Time Violin Wrestling! 40 mans! 40 womens! 40 items of inanimate! Only some of each! Time for guy who fucked as can be to make entry way!
Wes: Rat's got it right, Rex. Whomever drew first has got his work more than cut out for him.
Rex: And I care because... ?
Wes: ... And awaaay we GO!
["I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays, and out comes... D-Jobberation X's HeadAche Kid? ... Isn't he already in the eight person tag at Climax?]
Wes: NO! Dammit Narrator, we went over this what has to be a thousand times! That's Ron Mitchells, the HeadAche Kid's evil half brother! Which means, if he wins this thing, then he would be teaming with the brother he's hated for many, many years! Would the team be able to co-exist?!
[Probably, seeing as how that's just HAK in a goofy blonde wig and shiny mirror pants, instead of a balding head of brown hair, a goofy cowboy hat, and hot pink and lime green D-JX pants. I mean... look at him. It's the exact same friggin' dude!]
Wes: Not listening! Rat Bore, on with the introduction!
[Simply ricockulous...]
Rat: Him first being ; HEAD ACHE KID!
Wes: God DAMMIT!
[HA!
]Rex: He got'cha there, dipshit...
Wes: Zip it.
["I'm Too Sexy" continues to play, and HeadAche - er, Ron Mitchells struts down the ramp, tagging the hands of a few people. ... Who'm I kidding, nobody's giving this guy the time of day. Poor bastard... Anyway, he gets in the ring, and Rat continues.]
Rat: And opponent of his! Him be Calgary, Alberta, Canadian! Him be Crippled! Him be Rabid! Him be Prove Me Wrong! Champion of Former WCW... 27 time WWWWWWWWWFE Heavy World Champion Weight... 1 time Royal Rumbles winner... CHRIS.............................................. BENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!~!!~!1a2b L
Rex: Damn that's a major over use of letters and punctuation!
Rat: That's my bacon!
Rex: ... The fuck?
Wes: Yes sports fans, it's the man once believed to be dead! "Once", as in until just before this ring introduction! It's Chris Benoyt! ... I mean Chris BENOIT! Damn Rat Bore...
Rex: We are SO going to hell...
Wes: Whadya mean?
Rex: Nothing...
Wes: Benoit is wearing the legendary "4 Real" spandex tights, and is popping his neck to the left and right as he was always known to do. Plus, he's in a wheelchair and foaming at the mouth.
Rex: Yeah, minor details... Is this seriously happening? Jani was so right, this shit is just... so... wrong. It makes me feel icky.
Wes: Icky or not, Benoit is ready to RUMBLE!
Rex: Even though he can't get into the ring because... well, the guy's in a goddam wheelchair. Can somebody help him in PLEASE?! I seriously don't want to spend my entire night watching a murderer get into a wrestling ring on a wheelchair while he's foaming at the mouth...
Wes: While we're waiting for someone to get their lazy ass over there and assist this guy, and hopefully not to another suicide... I'll go over the rules of this match. They're simple ; 40 different entrants, ranging from men, to women, to, as has been mentioned, inanimate objects... there will be two initial participants, and every 3 minutes a new competitor will step into the fray. At the end of the approximately 2 hour match, there will be a sole survivor, and that survivor will go on to take the fourth spot in Team WSE... to meet Team mWo, at Climax.
Rex: Yup... simple. Just like all the other WSE matches that require an instruction manual to understand... Just call us TNA 2.0.
Wes: Well, Benoit is finally in the ring, and... there's the bell! And Benoit is off and chasing Mitchells around the ring with that wheelchair!
Rex: ... THIS IS RETARDED!
Wes: Mitchells... Mitchells just eliminated HIMSELF! He just could not stand being chased around by that wheelchair!
Rex: *smashing his face against the desk* KILL... ME... NOW...
Wes: Benoit is raising his fists to the heavens above!
Rex: Which is the closest he'll ever find himself to that place...
Wes: The buzzer has sounded and it's time for another entrant...
Speakers: STAND BACK... A DAN is comin' through!
Wes: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S DAN! IT'S DAN! HOLY SHIT, IT'S DAN!
Rex: Who the FUCK is 'Dan'?
Wes: SUPER Dan! The even more heroic step-brother of EWC's Super Jason!
Rex: How is he "more heroic"?
Wes: He once saved a cat from a tree!
Rex: ... Wow.
Wes: SuperDan flies down the ramp! SuperDan slides under the bottom rope! SuperDan -
Rex: "SuperDan" is now running from Chris Benoit in that fucking wheelchair. Does this match even have a point?
Wes: To crown a fourth member of Team WSE for Climax!
Rex: Oh... so we're trying to find out who else gets jobbed out by the mWo besides D-JX and John Semen. Got'cha.
Wes: SuperDan... DAMMIT!
Rex: Ha! He flew, Wes! Right over the top rope, and that wheelchair's chased off yet another potential "winner". This match just gets worse and worse, honestly...
10...
9...
8...
Wes: Well, we're counting down to another entrant.
Rex: The only way this match could save itself is if someone WORTHY entered into it...
7...
6...
5...
Rex: Someone strong... smart... and quick as a whip... and dammit, I think I know just the man for the job!
4... 3... 2...
...1!!!
[The buzzer sounds, and in comes...]
Wes: REX?! Dammit Rex, you can't make it in that ring, you'll get torn apart!
Rex: By this cripple? Seriously? *looks at Benoit* Ha! Chris, you've REALLY let yourself go, lemme tell ya. Ya look like f'n Old Yeller with that froth at your lips! C'mon, just TRY and chase me, I DARE ya!
Benoit: PROVE ME WRONG!!!
Rex: Is that all you ever say? You're like a broken frickin' record... you know what, speaking of "broken", how about I break your neck? Or your arm? How about I just break that ugly FACE of yours! Benoit... you're dead. And I'm gonna prove... me... RIGHT!
[Rex magically pulls out a dumb bell... and a rope. He ties the rope 'round the dumb bell, before smiling deviously at Benoit.]
Rex: Second time's the charm.
Wes: Don't do it Rex! He's not worth it! And besides, we'll probably get sued by Spooky for this segment, so it's best if we didn't dig ourselves TOO deep... Crap, and I was planning on entering as "Wes Guerrero". So much for that idea...
[Rex wraps the loose end of the rope around Benoit's throat, as "The Crippler" tries desperately to break free. Rex then lugs the dumb bell over to the ropes... and heaves it over, sending the dumb bell, the rope, AND Benoit all over the top rope!]
Rat Bore: Him is eliminate, Benoit with first name of Chris! Everybody happy!
Wes: You can say that again, we were about to get SVW kicked off the air. Or... pay-per-view. Wait... can you even get kicked off ppv?
Rex: Hell if I know.
Wes: Oh, Rex? You're back at the desk!
Rex: Yeppers. I just HAD to ditch that murderous bastard myself. Plus... I really just got tired of seeing people running around from a fuckin' wheelchair. After I tossed that idiot, I went ahead and eliminated myself. Because there's no chance in hell I'm getting my ass kicked by the mWo... leave that to the bum that "wins" this half-baked match.
Wes: Well sports fans, after the break, we'll -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back!
Rex: Just like WWE... RIGHT in the middle of the action. Well... talking. Jeez, SVW doesn't wait around for anything to get a few bills paid ... Wait, isn't this ppv? Where the hell do we get 'ads'?
Wes: ANYWAY... during the break, the ring filled with entrants # 5 - 20.
Rex: Wait a damn minute... that break was only like four or five minutes long... wouldn't it take like, an hour to -
Wes: AHEM! The list reads off like a who's not of professional amateur fake-ass e-sports entertainment wrasslin' SUPERSTARS!
#5 : The Rock
#6 : Stone Cold Stick Awesome
#7 : "Hollywood" Hulk Glue Gun
#8 : "Nature Toy" Tick Flair
#9 : Scott Ball
#10 : Kevin 'Stache
#11 : 6-Pack
#12 : Jeff Arbyz
#13 : THE Fryin' Kendrick
#14 : Mr. Christmas Tree... Christmas Tree
#15 : Mick Doiley
#16 : String
#17 : "The Pasty Boy" Saggy Knobb
#18 : Taz
#19 : Val Penis
and
#20 : "Macho Chair" Wheelie Savage
Rex: Ok... that just looks like a bunch of random junk to me. And that one is just the frickin' wheelchair with HeadAche Kid's dorky cowboy hat tacked on.
Wes: No, no, Rex, they're obviously LEGENDS!
Rex: Wes, it's a rock, a stick, a glue gun, a "The Tick" action figure, a ball, a fake mustache, a six pack of beer, an empty "Arby's" bag, a frying pan, a CRAPPY looking Christmas tree, a doiley, a piece of string, a broken door knob, a Taz looney tunes plushie, a... dildo. ... the less said about that, the better... and of course, the FUCKING wheelchair. Please don't tell me we have to watch that gathering of garbage day leftovers for THREE MINUTES!
Wes: Nyope, because we've just passed the 3 minute mark, and you know what THAT means!
Rex: ... Somebody's coming out?
Wes: Literally!
Rex: ... Huh?
Wes: It's time for our first ACTUAL WSE entrant!
["Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" hits, and out comes... some dude in the flashiest of hot pink attire. His hair is wild and multi-colored, and his nails are painted a bright ice blue. His lips are glossed, and his eyebrows are plucked...]
Wes: It's raYne!
Rex: Oh dear lord no... I HATE this guy! Please tell me someone good like Redd W. Bloo or Val Halla is coming out next to beat the shit out of this moron?!
Wes: Sorry Rex, but not for another two or three pages of the script...
Rex: Dammit...
Wes: Yes sports fans, the openly homosexual "Storm" of World Sports Entertainment is here! He rushes down to the ring, and slides in under the bottom rope... and... he stops. raYne, take it to those icons of this sport! Show them what you've got! Show SVW! Show the WORLD!
Rex: ... THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS! Are you DENSE man?!
Wes: Rex, stop it with the breaking kay fabe! Oy vey!
Rex: ... You've GOT to be kidding me?! Anyone can see that this is... wait, what in the hell? raYne is laying down?! ... And now he's draping Hulk Glue Gun over himself?! ... YES!!! You go girl! Get yourself eliminated! There truly IS a god!
Wes: The ref is stunned by this... and quite frankly, so am I.
[And then... "Iron Man" played over the speakers. And the Earth stood still.]
Wes: OH GOD NO!!! It can't be!
Rex: ... Shit. Maybe this isn't as good as I had hoped... If that bastard is involved, then...
[Vince Russo walks solemnly down the aisle, stopping at the edge of the ring, bellowing into a microphone.]
Russo: GOD DAMMIT! Referee, count the fuckin' fall! That basta'd Hulkst'a wants his belt, then fuckin' give it tah him! But Glue Gun, lemme tell ya this, and I hope ya old geez'a ass is listenin' : That belt can be the Hulk Glue Gun memorial belt as far as I'm concerned, cuz as for WSE, your ass is HISTORY!!! Ya damn... GLUE GUN! Think you OWN the place! With ya nozzle that dispenses adhesive substances!
[The referee looks at Russo as if he's mentally handicapped.]
Rex: The referee's mentally handicapped?
[RUSSO!]
Rex: Ohhh...
[But, the ref does as he's told, and counts the one, two, three. Even though this is an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Jesus christ...]
Rat Bore: raYne him be eliminate! I guess!
Rex: This is a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MATCH! Damn it to hell!
Wes: And we're down to the Final 35!
Rex: You mean we got rid of a whole FIVE already?! AWESOME! SRSLY! I'm NOT being sarcastic! Fuck it, I'm clawing my eyes out... somebody hand me "Stone Cold" Stick Awesome...
Rat Bore: Now for being entry way numero number 22... Vincent Kennedy Russo!
Rex: ... I hate this match so much I hate myself. And trust me, that takes ALOT... I'm so loveable.
Wes: Russo is apparently shocked by this development, not expecting to be involved with this contest in THIS form. Russo looks around himself... before pouncing on The Rock! Russo is dismanteling Rocky single-handedly! It's unbelievable!
Rex: Not really... it's not Dwayne Johnson, for cryin' out loud, it's just a damn piece of chalk rock!
Wes: Russo lifts the rock up, and drops it down upon Hollywood Glue Gun!
Russo: DAMN YOU GLUE GUN! Damn... you... straight... to... HELL~!!!1a
Wes: Russo has broken the Hulkster!
Rex: ... This is just plain obnoxious. I'm about to flip the channel...
Wes: You can't Rex, you're here. Live. You're not watching it on tv.
Rex: Oh FUCK... I'm in HELL!!!
Wes: Russo gathers up the bits of the glue gun, and chucks them over the top rope. Glue Gun has been eliminated! He then tosses The Rock over... and there goes another elimination!
Rex: Whoopie-dee-goddam-doo... We're nowhere near the end, so I'm totally unenthralled. This is about as action-packed as a battle royal on Smackdown... especially the one where Khali won. God that sucked... but somehow, some way this tops the sheer sucktitude of Khali's battle royal victory. And that, my friends, is saying something...
Wes: Russo is staring down Mick Doiley!
Rex: The dude's "staring down" a table covering. ... How much does that speak for the man's IQ? I mean, seriously?
Wes: Doiley is awaiting Russo to make the first move...
Rex: Because obviously "Mick" can't make it...
Wes: Russo drops an elbow on Doiley! And it connects!
Rex: ... GODDAM IT! That's it, Wes, you can do this shit with Narrator, or you can do it yourself, but I'm out of here...
Wes: But Rex!
[Sorry Wes... he's gone.]
Wes: Well... crap. ... Wait! I've got an idea! Narrator, call back Rex!
Rex: Hey.
Wes: ... That was quick.
[I'm MAGIC!]
Rex: So... what is it?
Wes: This is a HARDCORE Royal Royale! And there's 18 entrants left!
Rex: Wait, so you're telling me those are streetfight weapons?
Wes: ... Yup!
Rex: I thought you said, like, that's "Stone Cold Stick Awesome"...
Wes: It's a stick, Rex, a stick! Nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: ... and I thought you said THAT was "Mick Doiley" ...
Wes: A table cloth, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: And how about "Val Penis"?
Wes: A dildo, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: Ok... fine. So who are the first participants in this "Hardcore" Royal Royale?
Wes: Well, the first is Vince Russo.
Rex: Oh brother...
Wes: And the second will be out here after these -
- ads -
Wes: And welcome back sports fans! WSE StupidStar, Jack Bull, the Southern Fried Country Boy, is standing mid-ring, fists balled up and ready to lay it down on Russo!
Rex: And THANKFULLY, Russo just fled from the ring! We're finally down to seventeen!
Wes: Just in time for the buzzer!!!
Speakers: Well he's Ameeee-heeee-heeeericaaaannn... Maaaaaaade!!!
Rex: THANK GOD!!! He's HERE! A star that's actually worth a damn! And it's not even me!
["Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen hits, and a pre-recorded "U-S-A!" chant plays... red, white and blue lights flash across the stage and ring, and the patriotic hero 'Redd W. Bloo' marches out from the curtains, hoisting the American flag.]
Rex: I pledge allegiance to KICKIN' ASS!!!~!
Wes: Well, your BOYFRIEND's here...
Rex: Hey! He is NOT my boyfriend! Just because I hold the record for most posters of another man taped across my walls... and perhaps a shrine or two... does NOT mean I'm gay for the guy! He's an American HERO!
Wes: Not to mention the fact he has an ego the size of Washington D.C. ...
Rex: And why shouldn't he! He was - Booorn... in the U S AAAA, he was -
Wes: ANYWAY... Redd W. Bloo stomps into the ring, and as Bull goes for a fist to the mush, Bloo catches it... and -
Rex: BIG BOOT! Bull just got sent head over heels from that simply MONSTROUS big boot! And now my man Bloo is grabbing the stick for this "hardcore" Royale... he lifts it up... before cracking it across Bull's side!
Wes: Jack Bull is writhing in pain! Bull may be just as patriotic as his current opponent, but as for muscle mass... Bloo has him beyond beat in that area.
Rex: Bull reminds me of Jamie Noble.
Wes: You mean in physique and personality?
Rex: Nope. In the fact that, after Bloo gets done with him, Bull may be out of a job. Just call Redd the American Sheamus.
Wes: Well, irregardless, Bloo is really taking it to poor Bull... but the buzzer has just sounded! We're about to see another entrant!
Speakers: It's-a me... a-MARIO~!!!
Rex: Oh NO!
Wes: I sense back-up arriving for Jack!
Rex: It's that damn do-gooder, Major Mario! He needs to keep his nose out of this!
Wes: Well... he IS in the match, Rex...
Rex: Oh... well, still, that's not the point! He needs to go after Jeff Arbyz or something!
Wes: That's an empty Arby's bag!
Rex: WHATEVER!
Wes: Major Mario stampedes down the ramp, slides into the ring, and begins to blast away on Redd W. Bloo with those Mushroom Kingdom sized rights! Bloo is being backed up into a corner... Mario backs up to the other side of the ring... before hitting a VICOUS splash, colliding with Bloo! And Bloo is left sprawled out, center of the ring.
10...
9...
8...
Wes: The big screen is counting down the seconds until the next entrant... uh... enters!
7...
6...
5...
Rex: I just hope it's not someone worse than Russo or raYne... or another inanimate object...
4... 3... 2...
... 1!
Speakers: EL TACO! UNO BURRITO! DEL GRANNNDDDEEE'~!!!
["Low Rider" by War hits, and the "Fat Ass Luchador", Mr. E, walks through the curtains... and already has to catch his breath!]
Wes: ASTOUNDING!
Rex: Well, while fatty catches his breath, Bloo and Mario are going back and forth inside the ring...
Wes: Mario swings a left, but Bloo ducks under, turns around, and drops Mario with a reverse ddt! Bloo springs off the ropes, leaps into the air, and drops down upon Mario with a forceful body splash! He brought down all his weight with that one! Bloo then grabs onto Mario's hair, and tries to chuck him over the top... but Mario clings to the ropes. Mario elbows Bloo in the gut, before tossing Bloo over the top himself! But Bloo hangs on! Bloo rolls back into the ring under the bottom rope... he picks Mario's legs, climbs onto him, and starts pounding away with rights and lefts aplenty!
Rex: Finally, we're getting a little bit of action here! And Mr. E is still far, far from the ring, so hopefully the good stuff will keep on coming!
Wes: Bloo irish whips Mario into the ropes... the Plumbing Punisher springs off, comes toward Redd W. .... SPINEBUSTER! Spine on the pine!
Rex: Yes!
Wes: Mr. E is on the apron!
Rex: No!
Wes: Bloo whips Mario into Mr. E. ... and E is sent flying through the air, crashing into the fan barricade!
Rex: Yahoo! Man, I hope that counts as an elimination...
Referee: I'll allow it!
Rex: HELL YES!
Wes: And Mario and Bloo are back to fighting one another. Bloo raises Mario above his head, in a gorilla press... before dropping Mario down, face first, over the top turnbuckle! Mario is stumbling... Bloo bounces off the ropes, comes back, and goes for his finisher, the Old Glory clothesline! ... But Major Mario ducks under! Mario turns around, and hooks Bloo up for the Warp-Pipe Plex!!! One German Suplex... he rolls through... and there's the second, with a release! AND BLOO IS SENT OVER THE TOP! He... is... OUTTA THERE!
Rex: FUCK!
Wes: But Jack Bull just came up from behind Mario... and he dumped HIM over the top rope!
Rex: I totally forgot about him...
Wes: And so did Major Mario! Mario's gone, and that leaves Bull alone in the ring momentarily.
Rex: Besides the buncha "hardcore" junk...
10 ... 9 ... 8 ...
Wes: Sports fans, we'll be back right after these -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back! Inside the ring is Jack Bull, Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead, "The Extrateresstrial Sk8er Boi" Zorlax Firling, The Brown Power Ranger, "The Darkly Black Emo Dude" Kruzifix, "The l33t hAX0r" Viruz, "The All-Around All-Star Athlete" Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse, and the 16 year old warrior, Goo the Adventurer!
Rex: Wow... that's alotta guys. All in like... six minutes. Talk about heading into rush mode...
Wes: Goo rushes into Zorlax, who lifts Goo up into the air... Goo leaps over Zorlax, and winds up smacking Jippy in the face with a missile dropkick! Jippy flies over the top rope... but hangs on! Jippy soars back into the ring, sunset flipping over Viruz, rolling this into a sharpshooter... but Viruz ends up turning this somehow into his patented "Viruz Skan" dragonsleeper! He's trying to weaken Jippy up to toss him over the top rope!
Rex: Or, he coulda just forgot you can only win the match by tossing your opponents over the top rope. All these guys are about as dumb as a bag of snails!
Wes: But don't let THEM hear you say that!
Rex: Oh ho ho... I won't.
Wes: LMNOP goes for a superkick to Kruzifix, but Kruz ducks under... and LMNOP slams his foot into the face of the Brown Ranger! And Brownie is sent flying over the top rope! Both feet touch the floor, and the Ranger is GONE!
Rex: Holy smokes! We're ACTUALLY down to 13 entrants! It's a damn miracle!
Wes: Zorlax just drove the wheel chair across the ring, and into the abdomen of Jippy Jam! Jippy collapses onto the chair, and Zorlax dumps Jippy AND the chair out and over the top rope!
Rex: 12!!! 12 entrants, vlah ha ha!
Wes: Zorlax then goes for a flying forearm to Kruzifix, but the bigger man ducks down a bit, and proceeds to backbody drop Zorlax up and over the top to the outside! Kruz turns around and smiles down at the fallen Firling, admiring his handiwork... but the emo monster receives a DILDO to the back!
Rex: Viruz just slapped Kruzifix in the back with a dildo! ... I can NOT believe I just said that...
Wes: And the dildo didn't do any good, unfortunately for Vi...
Rex: Come on, he honestly thought that was gonna work? I mean, I know the guy's dumb, but he must be even dumber than I thought!!!
Wes: Kruz spins around, hooks his meaty claws around Vi's throat... lifts him up, and tosses him abruptly over shoulder, and over the top rope! Viruz HAS been eliminated!!
Rex: Kruz is going ballistic on the other three men left in the ring! Chokeslam to Jack Bull! Powerbomb to Goo the Adventurer! DDT to Luscious Melancholony uh... whatever the hell that guy's name is!
Wes: Kruzifix lifts up Jack Bull... and he's going for the Crown of the Thorns, a modified tombstone!
Rex: "Modified" in name alone...
Wes: And he hits it! Bull is out like a light. Kruz pulls Bull over to the ropes, and topples him over... and Bull is the next one off the list!
Rex: We needed this Kruzifix guy a while back! He's swattin' 'em like flies! We wouldn't have had to go through all this if Kruz was entrant #1! He's my pick to go all... the... WAY!
Wes: Kruzifix is stalking Goo and LMNOP... they're both cowering away from the larger man... we could be ready to add another two notches on the chalk board...
[Suddenly, "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down hits, and WSE's resident super hero, SuperGuyManDudePerson, flies down the ramp, sliding in under the bottom rope, and... he flies through the air with a cross-body block!]
Wes: Supes just collided with Kruzifix, sending them BOTH over the top rope and to the outside!
Rex: Now how dumb was THAT?! What kinda dipshit eliminates himself just to eliminate someone else?!
Wes: A SUPER dipshit!
Rex: ... Ah.
Wes: Goo tosses the ball at LMNOP's head... which bounces off. ... LMNOP is MAD!
Rex: And I'm mad this isn't over yet...
Wes: LMNOP grabs the frying pan, and tosses THAT at Goo! And... that hurts just a bit more than the plastic ball?
Rex: Ya THINK?!
Wes: Goo falls to his knees, and LMNOP runs in with a flying dropkick to the mush... Goo drops flat on his face, and LMNOP grabs ahold of the string... before wrapping this around Goo's neck and beginning to choke him out!
Rex: Goo is thrashing about wildly, but it's of no use! Goo finally manages to grab the door knob, which he uses to swing backward, connecting with LMNOP's head! Luscious stumbles backward... Goo bounces off the ropes, leap up, and snaps off a lightning quick hurricanrana!
Wes: LMNOP is dazed and confused! And now Goo's grabbing the 6-pack!
Rex: I guess HE wants to be dazed and confused?
Wes: Goo shakes up the pack... before spraying all six cans all over the prone body of LMNOP! Luscious is bathing in suds!
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...
Wes: There's only five more entrants left in this contest! Who could they be?!
3... 2...
Rex We're about to find out one of them right now...
... 1!!!
Speakers: N-I-C... K-E-Y... M-O-W-S-E!!!
["It's a Small World Land" by the Goof Troop hits, and out comes everybody's favorite "Rated G Stupid Star", Nickey Mowse! He has buck-teeth, long, brown hair... He wears a hat which is black with mickey mouse-like ears... big, yellow gloves... red shorts with yellow buttons... He wears a plain, black t-shirt... and big, floppy, yellow bowling shoes. He is, indeed, the crappiest looking mickey mouse imposter in HISTORY!]
Rex: Now there's an achievement to write home about...
Wes: He may look crummy for a mickey mouse, but he's not too shabby for a jobber. Which is... well, what he pretty much amounts to.
Rex: Hey! What happened to all that talk about not breaking kay fabe?!
Wes: ... Me no speaky english!
Rex: That won't work! ... Not a second time, anyway...
Wes:
[Mowse slides into the ring...]
Wes: Right fist to LMNOP, left fist to Goo, and they've both been sent crumbling to the canvas!
Rex: Nickey picks up the Christmas tree... and he brings it crashing down over LMNOP and Goo!!! Not as if that's really going to hurt... but who'm I too nit pick.
Wes: Isn't that all you ever do?
Rex:
Wes: Mowse crouches down in a corner... and as soon as LMNOP stands, Mowse goes for the spear... but LMNOP dives out of the way! And Mowse spears Goo!!! And they BOTH are sent over the top rope... to the OUTSIDE!!!
Rat Bore: Eliminate they is Goo Man Chew and he of Mowse!
Wes: We're down to the Final Five!
Rex: HALLE-FRICKIN'-LUJAH~!!!
Wes: LMNOP is left, inside the ring, grabbing at his stomach, as he's had a sore time in there.
["Back in Black" hits... and the lights go black and white]
Rex: And it looks like he's about to have even MORE sore time! Bwahahaha! The boss is HERE!
Wes: Oh right, suck up to him, eh Rex?
Rex: Well, I figure, Jack Hoff is gone, Mac Bry is now writing the checks... may as well cater to the guy that actually matters, right?
Wes: But it's not just THE Mac that's coming out... it's Reeve and Axl as well! What do the InsideOutsiders and Mac have to do with this? I mean, I understand this match determining their opponent, but they couldn't possibly have anything on their mind other than disrupting things!
Rex: They're getting into the ring... and Mac is whispering something to the ref? And now the ref is telling Rat something...
Rat Bore: Entrant way numero numbers of 37, 38, 39... they be m... W... ooo!!! Great job!
Wes: Wait a damn minute! You're telling me not just one, not just two, but all THREE members of the mWo are now in this?! LMNOP does not stand a CHANCE!
Rex: This is GREAT!
Wes: How is this "great"?! This isn't right! Mac can't do this!
Rex: This match is sanctioned by WSE, right? And Mac is the new Chairman of WSE! So he can do any damn thing he pleases!
Wes: Argghh... I cannot believe this! Sports fans, will ANYone be able to stand a chance against the combined force of the mWo in this Royal Royale?!
Rex: I don't think so, and I LOVE it!
Wes: LMNOP charges at Mac... but Reeve and Axl hit the double clothesline just as Luscious comes close. Axl and Reeve are laying in the boots... but wait, Reeve just pushed Axl away! He's acting as if Reeve was in the way of his "territory"! These men need to stick together if they truly are to be a team!
Rex: Oh come on, Wes, Reeve's just showing off! Axl totally understands that!
Wes: Yes, because when it comes to the ring, that's about all the mWo DOES understand...
Rex:
How rude...Wes: Irregardless, Reeve grabs up LMNOP sends him into the ropes... but LMNOP hooks himself on. Axl goes to deliever a blow, but LMNOP ducks under and drops Axl to the outside! I can't believe it!
Rex: DAMNIT!!! That's impossible! ... Well, there's still Reeve and Mac! I KNOW one of them will take this victory home!
Wes: What happens if they do, though? They won't compete on BOTH teams...
Rex: Exactly! It'll be a four on three HANDICAP match! There will be NO fourth member for Team WSE! It'll be GREAT!
Wes: And speaking of a fourth member, here comes Mac's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn, from out of the audience... wearing a referee shirt?! She pulls the ref out of the ring, and blasts him with a pair of brass knux! She's getting into the ring... and Mac is OF COURSE completely fine with this!
Rex: Now we've got a REAL official in the ring!
Wes: You mean attractive official, right Rex?
Rex: ... Yes. But don't hold it against me! ... Hold HER against me!
Wes: Reeve slings LMNOP into the ropes once again... and Axl is prepping to latch onto LMNOP's boot... but LMNOP reverses the irish whip at the very last second! And Axl accidentally trips up Reeve! Reeve turns around and stares menacingly at his "partner"...
Rex: HOLY HELL! LMNOP just dropkicked Reeve out of the ring! DAMMIT! ... But Krystal just shoved LMNOP up and over! Yipee!
Wes: Now come ON! That CAN'T be legal!!!
Mac: I'll allow it!
Wes: AGH!!!
Rex: It's just Mac and some unknown, but whoever it doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell!
Wes: Yeah, not with Mac's girlfriend as the ref, and Mac's buddies outside! This is ludicrous!
Chris Bridges: Nope, that'd be me.
Wes: Who the hell are you?
Chris Bridges: Ludacris. And I'm sooo hood!
Wes: ...
Rex: Mac is motioning toward the curtains for entrant #40 to "just bring it"...
Rat Bore: Entry way... number numero fourtieth... he be other none than...
[SUDDENLY... the lights cut out. "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie hits... and the lights return... with Mac layed out in the middle of the squared circle, surrounded by a pool of his own blood!]
Rex: Holy SHIT! It's... It's...
Wes: It's the UnderBaker! We haven't seen him in months!
Rex: The Chef of Death has returned! I may just have to change my pick!
Wes: You mean AGAIN...
Rex: Shaddap!
['Baker slides his thumb across his throat, signaling for the demise of THE Mac. 'Baker lifts up Mac, brings him up in powerbomb position... before dumping Mac over the top rope with the "Last Meal" jacknife, all the way to the floor!]
Wes: He DID IT! The UnderBaker has returned to WSE, and with one swift motion, he's catapulted himself into Climax!
Rex: The Chef of Death is back, and like it or not, I have to admit he's prepped to dismantle the mWo, even if he has to it WITHOUT D-Joberration X and John Semen!
['Baker lowers to one knee, and extends a hand to the sky, holding a loave of bread... as "Eat It" by 'Weird' Al Yankovic plays over the speaker system. UnderBaker rises up, and grabs a microphone, the music continuing to play, with the arena engulfed in a funky black light effect...]
UnderBaker: Mac... as well as the rest of the mWo... you have tempted the fates one time too many. The Temple of Buttered Toast declares... that on the second Monday, of the second month, of the tenth year, of the third millenium... that a Savior of Sacred Muffins WILL bring down that which is wicked... in the eyes of the almighty Wheat. Mac Bry... Axl, Reeve... Krystal... mWo. As sure as I am John Semen and D-Jobberation X are prepared for the task at hand... I am even more prepared to take care of you wretched souls alone. For I will make certain... that, without a shadow of a doubt... the four of you WILL...
Rest...
...in...
YEEEAAASSSTTT!!!!
[As the UnderBaker rolls his eyes into the back of his skull, "Eat It" rises in volume, and a few of the SVW faithful seemingly have taken a liking to "The Chef of Death".]
Wes: Sports fans, what can I tell you, but, ORDER CLIMAX!
Rex: Climax is shaping up to be a rocket buster... and no, I have no clue WHAT that means.
Wes: The WSE vs mWo eight-person tag match ALONE is promising to be a killer match... and I've just received word from Spook Dawg that it will not just be a eight-person tag, but that it will be the first EVER 'War Games' match in SVW history! Two rings, two cages, and only one team will walk away with the victory!
Rex: Pal... business is picking up.
Wes: It sure is. Mac is a bloody mess in the ring, UnderBaker is standing tall, and Axl and Reeve are arguing on the outside over who's fault this loss is... while Krys simply tries to restore peace to the InsideOutsiders, and the mWo as a whole. Sports fans, we've gotta send it to -
- ads -
=============================
The thing is, the owner says he's going to have to cut it down from that [16 pages] to like, 4 or 5, maybe even 2 or 3. John, haven't we had matches that were longer than 4 or 5 pages? He says that's the norm for that fed's "formula". I just call it a limitation... what do you think?
It's an ok fed, but they've kinda restricted my parody style. Which is why I love BOB.
- Shane-o
