Post by Steve Studnuts on Aug 10, 2009 17:22:08 GMT -5
~~~Steve Studnuts is talking to Connie Lingus, and due to time constraints… the quick descript of her is “Steve’s hot fuck buddy.”
She looks like about four yummy chicks morphed together. More at 11. Cut to cheesy dialog.~~~
Connie: Steve? Your punishment for the “Chicago Cubs Incident” has been handed down by XWW. They said they can’t have you embarrassing their promotion by your out of ring shenanigans, or embarrassing their so-called talent on their promo board anymore.
Studs: Huh? I didn’t do anything at Wrigley…
Connie: May I refresh your memory?
~~~DOO-DEE-DOO-DOO sound effects and blurry screen stuff.~~~
~~~Steve Studnuts is seen talking to a guy in a suit. Steve, however, is not in a suit…but rather his usual “business travel comfy” consisting of flip flips, black khaki knee length shorts, and some sort of themed T-shirt. A better camera angle reveals that the one he’s wearing today is Cubbie pinstripes lettered “The Reds Eat Sh*t” across the front in an obvious attempt for cheap pops around town. We join the conversation in progress…~~~
Guy: Okay, Steve…we know your reputation. I want to be very clear that being asked to perform the seventh inning stretch ‘Take Me Out’ thing is a privileged honor and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Can you do it justice?
Studs: Sure.
Guy: I’m serious now! I’m the director of Marketing for the Chicago Cubs® and I take my job like it’s a life or death situation. I know you’re a famous wrestler…
Studs: Umm, sports entertainer.
Guy: Yeah, whatever… a famous wrestler in town for your big show over at the Center and some of the higher ups thought it would be a good idea to have you sing tomorrow against Cincinnati here at Wrigley. But I can’t have you dropping F bombs and making a joke of this. Understand?
~~~Steve sarcastically rolls his eyes.~~~
Studs: Gotcha, chief. How hard could this be? By the way, do you have a name, jerkweed? My script boy detests typin’ “Guy” for your speakin’ parts already…
Guy: Oh yeah, he can call me Preston.
Studs: Pffft. That name is so incredibly gay. And it’s longer than “Guy”. Now he’ll really be pissed ‘cause he has to type more. Ya dig?
Preston: Okay, listen Mr. Studnuts. Please stop kidding around. First, I’m not gay. Secondly, I’m a fan, alright? I think you’re a pretty entertaining dude, way more entertaining than some of those other guys. In fact, I have tickets for Summer Warfare and I'm taking the kid with me. But this is not professional wrestling, or sports entertainment... just sing the song and try not to embarrass me tomorrow.
Studs: No problem. I’ll be a saint.
Preston: That’s what scares me. Now then, this is a pre-requisite for all our guest singers. This is classic footage of Harry back in eighty five. Do it like this and you’ll have no problems…
~~~Preston pushes a button on a remote, he and Steve look at a nearby screen.~~~
~~~After watching the video, Preston then turns back to Steve.~~~
Preston: See? Piece of cake. But while we’re at it, this is an example of how not to do it…
Studs: Sweet! Is this Ozzy?
Preston: How’d you know?
Studs: BWWAAAA HAAA HAAAA! Dude, Ozzy SUCKED! I’ll blow his version away…
Preston: Again, that’s what scares me. So, also as a pre-requisite… I need to hear what you got.
Studs: You want me to sing it now?
Preston: Yes, I have to hear it before you go out and approve it.
Studs: Peachy. Kinda ruins the surprise though, doesn’t it?
Preston: No surprises, Steve!
Studs: You’re a bitter little man, aren’t you? Not gettin’ enough snatch?
Preston: Just sing, please…
Studs: Okay… fine then.
~~~Steve clears his throat…~~~
Studs: * ahem* …a one… a TWO… A THREE!
Take… me out… to the ball game…
Take… Me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts…and cracker…..jacks…
I… boffed Kelly and JIZZED on her back…
Oh it’s root. Root…
Preston: STOP! Hell! NO!
Studs: What?
Preston: You KNOW what! Do it right!
Studs: Man, you have no sense of humor. You really need to get laid, buddy.
*ahem*
A one…. A TWO….A THREE!
Take… me out… to the ball game….
Take… me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts….and cracker…..jacks…
FUCK… the Cubs, I’m for DI-A-MOND-BACKS!
Oh it’s root…
Preston: GODDAMMIT MAN!
~~~Steve nonchalantly shrugs his shoulders.~~~
Studs: What now?
Preston: You KNOW!
Studs: But I am from Phoenix…
Preston: So what? When you sing at Wrigley, you’re a Cubs fan for the day. And you know you can't say "fuck" out there! Come on, be clean and ROOT FOR THE CUBS!
Studs: Oh, I’m always a Cubbie fan…how can you hate the Loveable Losers from the North Side?
Preston: Now you’re getting the spirit. Please, do it right.
Studs: Ya know, that’s about the last time.
Preston: Huh? Last time for what?
Studs: The last fuckin’ time I’m gonna take an order from your fuckin’ gay name havin’ faggot ass. Ya dig?
Preston: Oh, you want to play that way, huh? Well FINE! We’ll get somebody else to sing tomorrow!
Studs: OooOoOoOOoooOoh. Like I need this gig. Get Will Gallo to do it, I heard if you squeeze his balls while he sings he’ll sound just like Britney Spears.
Preston: Get out.
~~~Preston points to the door.~~~
Studs: I’ve also heard Sal Fanucci will be a dead ringer for Miley Cyrus if you shove one of the forty million items with her picture on it up his asshole while he sings. Get him. And he’s cheap.
Preston: GET OUT!
Studs: A one…. a two… a three…
Take… me out… to the ball game….
Take…. me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks…
Tell Jake to give me my June Superstar plaque!
Preston: I’LL CALL SECURITY!
Studs: Take me out…. To the baAAAllgame!
Take…me out to the crOOOOOWd!
Buy me fuckin’ peanuts and crackerjacks…
I don’t care if I ever get back…
So it’s root, ROOT ROOT for Steve Stuuuuud-NUTS!
My diiiiiiick…. is big as a TRUUUUUUCK!
Oh it’s one, TWO, THREE SLUTS, that’s cool.
Let’s all hook up AND WE’LL FUUUUUUCK!
HOOOOOO-RAY!
Preston: I’M CALLING SECURITY RIGHT NOW!
Studs: A one…. a two… a three…
Take… me out… to the ball game….
Take…. me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts and cracker….jacks…
I’m gonna break Bryan’s and Zeleos’ backs…
Oh it’s root….root ROOT for Steve Stuuuuud….nuts…
If I don’t win…. it’s a shaaaaame….
For it’s ONE! TWO! THREE COUNTS, I WIN!
My World Tiiiitle…. I will…… RE-CLAIM!
HOO-RAAAAAAAY!
~~~Preston freezes in his tracks.~~~
Preston: Say, that ain’t half bad.
Studs: I know, jerkweed.
Preston: Yeah! Do that tomorrow! That will be great! Should help pack your event out to the rafters.....
Studs: What? I’m in a cage with Banyon and Zeleos for the XWW World Title. It’s been sold out for weeks…singin' at a Cubs game ain't gonna matter, you can't find a ticket.
Preston: Right, right! But do that version tomorrow! It’s clean, it’s somewhat witty, it ties in to your match… so, it’s not the original version, but it’s Steve Studnuts. The fans will expect your twist and at least we can air it. You got the job!
Studs: *sigh* Gee, that’s swell. I can hardly wait. *yawns*
Preston: Just as long as you don’t slip that “truck” version in at the least second…
Studs: Oh, I won’t. Heh. I promise.
Preston: Steve? I’m serious…
Studs: Trust me. *winks* I got this one, kid.
And tomorrow night The Windy City will blow me like it’s never blown before. Sunday night, I’m gonna sports entertain Chi-Town with some HEAT!
Cage.
Zeleos.
Bryan Banyon.
My World Title.
Even Harry Caray, if was alive and had those big ass fuckin’ Coke bottle glasses off… could see this comin’.
My championship is comin’ back to where it belongs.
Not a promise…
Not an idle threat…
Not a guarantee…
That kids, IS….A……FACT!
Preston: Very good! We’ll see you tomorrow at the game. Remember, no “truck” version, okay?
Studs: Relax. I got this.
~~~Steve turns and begins walking to the door…. He’s whispering to himself.~~~
Studs: I hope you have a delay on that mic, jerkweed. Heh. This is gonna be a great weekend…
CAPTION: THE NEXT DAY
CHICAGO (AP)—Aramis Ramirez is giving the Chicago Cubs the clutch hitting they have lacked, even while he is in pain. However, it was a professional wrestler that made the real headlines.
Ramirez homered to snap a sixth-inning tie and had a pair of two-out, run-producing hits in his most productive game since coming off the disabled list, leading the Cubs to an 8-5 victory over the Cincinnati Reds on Friday.
Steve Studnuts, a “sports entertainer” under the employ of Xtreme World Wrestling and in Chicago for the company’s pay per view event on Sunday at the United Center, sang a profanity laced ”Take Me Out To The Ballgame” after apparently switching singing duties with Friday’s crooner. Steve was scheduled to sing on Saturday during the seventh inning stretch of game two of the three game weekend series.
“The good two-out hitting,” Cubs manager Lou Piniella said when asked what he missed most during Ramirez’s absence. “He knows how to drive in runs. He’s done it his whole career. He’s a good, professional bat in the middle part of your lineup. We’ve missed that for a long, long time here. Get him going and it really helps.”
When asked about the singing, Piniella replied, ”No comment. Did you see the size of that (expletive) guy? And I’ve heard he has a really big penis.”
It took time to get Ramirez going. In his first 11 games after missing nearly two months due to a separated shoulder, Ramirez was batting .190 with two RBIs. But he followed Wednesday’s two-hit, two-RBI game at Philadelphia with Friday’s four-hit performance.
“It’s there, and it’s going to be there,” Ramirez, who winces after some swings, said of his shoulder pain. “I’m going to have to deal with it.”
He has driven in 100-plus runs six times. That bat is good medicine for an ailing Cubs offense that entered Friday batting .224 with two outs and runners in scoring position.
“I’m the cleanup hitter, and I’m here to drive in runs in key situations,” Ramirez said. “Any time you lose your cleanup hitter, it’s going to affect everybody. We have a great team. The second half we’re playing pretty good, and hopefully we keep going.”
Mike Fontenot, Jeff Baker and Derrek Lee also homered for the Cubs, who have won eight of 11 games.
The Reds dropped their sixth straight road game despite starting pitcher Aaron Harang’s first career home run. At 44-51, they are a season-worst seven games under .500—and they’re not happy about it.
“It’s a very frustrating game, frustrating road trip, frustrating since the second half started,” Cincinnati manager Dusty Baker said. ”But that seventh inning stretch was (expletive) hilarious!”
Cubs rookie Randy Wells (6-4), who allowed seven hits in six innings, is 6-0 when receiving at least four runs of support. Aaron Heilman and Carlos Marmol each pitched a scoreless inning of relief before Kevin Gregg gave up Willy Taveras’ two-run single in the ninth.
Gregg ended the game by retiring Joey Votto, Cincinnati’s best hitter, on a called third strike with two men on base.
“Joey’s not going to end the game like that unless he thinks that was a ball,” Dusty Baker said. “There were a couple of questionable calls. Mike Reilly is a good umpire, but you just hate to end the game like that.”
The rest of Cincinnati’s scoring came on the second-inning, three-run shot by Harang, a career .090 hitter who has struck out 178 times in 390 at-bats. He said it was his first homer since high school.
“I’ve been working on that for quite a while and it finally happened,” Harang said. “I’ll have to call (former Reds slugger Adam) Dunn and tell him I finally got one. He’s been all over me.”
Harang (5-11), who gave up nine hits and four runs in six innings, is 0-7 with a 5.17 ERA in his last 11 starts. After going 32-17 in the 2006 and 2007 seasons, he is 11-28 in 2008 and 2009.
Ramirez had an RBI double in the first and made it 3-3 with his third-inning single. He later added another double.
Fontenot homered in the second. In the eighth, Jeff Baker had a pinch-hit homer off Daniel Ray Herrera, and Lee added a two-run shot off Jared Burton for an 8-3 lead.
Steve Studnuts has been banned for life at Wrigley Field or singing at any other Major League ballpark. However, another XWW grappler named Zeleos was approached earlier in the day to audition in Chicago for singing duties. After this incident, it’s unlikely he will be allowed to even if interested.
CAPTION: THE DAY AFTER THE NEXT DAY
CHICAGO (AP)—More on this bizarre story out of Chicago’s famed Wrigley Field yesterday where a professional wrestler named Steve Studnuts shocked and (in a sad commentary on the times) thoroughly entertained Cubs fans during the organization’s legendary home game singing of “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” with a filthy rendition capped off where Studnuts invited “three sluts” to join him in the booth for sex.
Preston Walters, the Director of Marketing for the Cubs and the person responsible for screening the singers was stunned. “He promised he wouldn’t do that version, I am totally flabbergasted by this turn of events.”
It is unsure if Walters will be suspended or even released for the public relations nightmare, but sources tell us that Studnuts, who is in Chicago for a Sunday night pay-per-view wrestling event orchestrated by Xtreme World Wrestling dubbed ”Summer Warfare”, made good with Walters by getting him and his twelve year old son backstage passes at the show and two autographed “Bryan Banyon is Gay” T-shirts.
In game related news, Aramis Ramirez homered to snap a sixth-inning tie and had a pair of two-out, run-producing hits in his most productive game since coming off the disabled list, leading the Cubs to an 8-5 victory over the Cincinnati Reds.
Studnuts, a “sports entertainer” with the XWW and competing in the promotion’s co-main event at the United Center, has a vast history of saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times. “I should have known better”, Walters said. “I mean, I’ve watched him for awhile and I just should’ve known better. It’s what he does.”
Studnuts was originally scheduled to sing during Saturday’s seventh inning stretch, but apparently switched with Friday’s singer so he could go out on an “all day” Saturday date with ESPN sideline hottie Erin Andrews, who’s stirred up some controversy this week on her own, even if unknowingly.
Surely by now you've heard. Someone secretly videotaped Andrews while she was nude at a hotel(s) curling her hair and ironing her clothes. TMZ.com speculated rather persuasively the Zapruder in this fiasco might very well be one of Andrews' co-workers.
The video had been available (and ignored) on the Internet for months, but gained popularity this week when the influential Web site Deadspin wrote a post on the subject and linked to the Web site hosting the Andrews peephole footage.
After fellow XWW wrestler, Galactic Sam (who claims to be a cyborg from Uranus ((Probably not, but definitely from somebody's anus)) and hey…this is professional wrestling we’re talking about here) leaked information about the footage, Studnuts is said to have watched the video and commented, “I gotta hit that.”
Thus, he put in motion the switch to sing Friday. Perhaps the Cubs would like Studnuts to sing at every home game, as the Cubs’ bats came to life after the incident. In the eighth, Jeff Baker had a pinch-hit homer off Daniel Ray Herrera, and Derrick Lee added a two-run shot off Jared Burton.
However, that maybe difficult to do since Studnuts has been banned for life at Wrigley. Lee, the Cubs’ first baseman and slugger was disappointed. “That’s too bad, that dude cracked me up with his version and the fans loved it. It really got us pumped up…and it was a helluva lot better than (famous race car driver) Jeff Gordon’s (expletive) attempt”, he said.
Studnuts, a former XWW World Champion, will compete and try to regain his belt against another former World Champion Zeleos and current title holder Bryan Banyon in the company’s featured bout at “Summer Warfare.” The event has sold out but is still available for purchase on pay-per-view.
CAPTION: BACK TO PRESENT TIME…
Studs: Yeah, and who’d have thought I’d got fucked at that PPV? Fuckin’ non bookin’ fuckin’ fuckity fucks. I’m glad to be outta there… that place would suck Axl’s balls if he had any.
So, what’s the punishment? It can’t possibly be that bad after spendin’ three months in the shithole known as Xtreme World Wrestlin’…
Connie: Steve, I’m sorry hun…they’re sending you back to BOB.
Studs: Oh fuck me…you're kiddin', right? Oh...my...God...
I really fuckin' feel sorry for the motherfucker they book me with first... I'm gonna kill him...
...deader than fried fuckin' chicken...
And that... IS... A.... FACT!
~~~static~~~
She looks like about four yummy chicks morphed together. More at 11. Cut to cheesy dialog.~~~
Connie: Steve? Your punishment for the “Chicago Cubs Incident” has been handed down by XWW. They said they can’t have you embarrassing their promotion by your out of ring shenanigans, or embarrassing their so-called talent on their promo board anymore.
Studs: Huh? I didn’t do anything at Wrigley…
Connie: May I refresh your memory?
~~~DOO-DEE-DOO-DOO sound effects and blurry screen stuff.~~~
~~~Steve Studnuts is seen talking to a guy in a suit. Steve, however, is not in a suit…but rather his usual “business travel comfy” consisting of flip flips, black khaki knee length shorts, and some sort of themed T-shirt. A better camera angle reveals that the one he’s wearing today is Cubbie pinstripes lettered “The Reds Eat Sh*t” across the front in an obvious attempt for cheap pops around town. We join the conversation in progress…~~~
Guy: Okay, Steve…we know your reputation. I want to be very clear that being asked to perform the seventh inning stretch ‘Take Me Out’ thing is a privileged honor and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Can you do it justice?
Studs: Sure.
Guy: I’m serious now! I’m the director of Marketing for the Chicago Cubs® and I take my job like it’s a life or death situation. I know you’re a famous wrestler…
Studs: Umm, sports entertainer.
Guy: Yeah, whatever… a famous wrestler in town for your big show over at the Center and some of the higher ups thought it would be a good idea to have you sing tomorrow against Cincinnati here at Wrigley. But I can’t have you dropping F bombs and making a joke of this. Understand?
~~~Steve sarcastically rolls his eyes.~~~
Studs: Gotcha, chief. How hard could this be? By the way, do you have a name, jerkweed? My script boy detests typin’ “Guy” for your speakin’ parts already…
Guy: Oh yeah, he can call me Preston.
Studs: Pffft. That name is so incredibly gay. And it’s longer than “Guy”. Now he’ll really be pissed ‘cause he has to type more. Ya dig?
Preston: Okay, listen Mr. Studnuts. Please stop kidding around. First, I’m not gay. Secondly, I’m a fan, alright? I think you’re a pretty entertaining dude, way more entertaining than some of those other guys. In fact, I have tickets for Summer Warfare and I'm taking the kid with me. But this is not professional wrestling, or sports entertainment... just sing the song and try not to embarrass me tomorrow.
Studs: No problem. I’ll be a saint.
Preston: That’s what scares me. Now then, this is a pre-requisite for all our guest singers. This is classic footage of Harry back in eighty five. Do it like this and you’ll have no problems…
~~~Preston pushes a button on a remote, he and Steve look at a nearby screen.~~~
~~~After watching the video, Preston then turns back to Steve.~~~
Preston: See? Piece of cake. But while we’re at it, this is an example of how not to do it…
Studs: Sweet! Is this Ozzy?
Preston: How’d you know?
Studs: BWWAAAA HAAA HAAAA! Dude, Ozzy SUCKED! I’ll blow his version away…
Preston: Again, that’s what scares me. So, also as a pre-requisite… I need to hear what you got.
Studs: You want me to sing it now?
Preston: Yes, I have to hear it before you go out and approve it.
Studs: Peachy. Kinda ruins the surprise though, doesn’t it?
Preston: No surprises, Steve!
Studs: You’re a bitter little man, aren’t you? Not gettin’ enough snatch?
Preston: Just sing, please…
Studs: Okay… fine then.
~~~Steve clears his throat…~~~
Studs: * ahem* …a one… a TWO… A THREE!
Take… me out… to the ball game…
Take… Me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts…and cracker…..jacks…
I… boffed Kelly and JIZZED on her back…
Oh it’s root. Root…
Preston: STOP! Hell! NO!
Studs: What?
Preston: You KNOW what! Do it right!
Studs: Man, you have no sense of humor. You really need to get laid, buddy.
*ahem*
A one…. A TWO….A THREE!
Take… me out… to the ball game….
Take… me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts….and cracker…..jacks…
FUCK… the Cubs, I’m for DI-A-MOND-BACKS!
Oh it’s root…
Preston: GODDAMMIT MAN!
~~~Steve nonchalantly shrugs his shoulders.~~~
Studs: What now?
Preston: You KNOW!
Studs: But I am from Phoenix…
Preston: So what? When you sing at Wrigley, you’re a Cubs fan for the day. And you know you can't say "fuck" out there! Come on, be clean and ROOT FOR THE CUBS!
Studs: Oh, I’m always a Cubbie fan…how can you hate the Loveable Losers from the North Side?
Preston: Now you’re getting the spirit. Please, do it right.
Studs: Ya know, that’s about the last time.
Preston: Huh? Last time for what?
Studs: The last fuckin’ time I’m gonna take an order from your fuckin’ gay name havin’ faggot ass. Ya dig?
Preston: Oh, you want to play that way, huh? Well FINE! We’ll get somebody else to sing tomorrow!
Studs: OooOoOoOOoooOoh. Like I need this gig. Get Will Gallo to do it, I heard if you squeeze his balls while he sings he’ll sound just like Britney Spears.
Preston: Get out.
~~~Preston points to the door.~~~
Studs: I’ve also heard Sal Fanucci will be a dead ringer for Miley Cyrus if you shove one of the forty million items with her picture on it up his asshole while he sings. Get him. And he’s cheap.
Preston: GET OUT!
Studs: A one…. a two… a three…
Take… me out… to the ball game….
Take…. me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks…
Tell Jake to give me my June Superstar plaque!
Preston: I’LL CALL SECURITY!
Studs: Take me out…. To the baAAAllgame!
Take…me out to the crOOOOOWd!
Buy me fuckin’ peanuts and crackerjacks…
I don’t care if I ever get back…
So it’s root, ROOT ROOT for Steve Stuuuuud-NUTS!
My diiiiiiick…. is big as a TRUUUUUUCK!
Oh it’s one, TWO, THREE SLUTS, that’s cool.
Let’s all hook up AND WE’LL FUUUUUUCK!
HOOOOOO-RAY!
Preston: I’M CALLING SECURITY RIGHT NOW!
Studs: A one…. a two… a three…
Take… me out… to the ball game….
Take…. me out to the crowd…
Buy me some peanuts and cracker….jacks…
I’m gonna break Bryan’s and Zeleos’ backs…
Oh it’s root….root ROOT for Steve Stuuuuud….nuts…
If I don’t win…. it’s a shaaaaame….
For it’s ONE! TWO! THREE COUNTS, I WIN!
My World Tiiiitle…. I will…… RE-CLAIM!
HOO-RAAAAAAAY!
~~~Preston freezes in his tracks.~~~
Preston: Say, that ain’t half bad.
Studs: I know, jerkweed.
Preston: Yeah! Do that tomorrow! That will be great! Should help pack your event out to the rafters.....
Studs: What? I’m in a cage with Banyon and Zeleos for the XWW World Title. It’s been sold out for weeks…singin' at a Cubs game ain't gonna matter, you can't find a ticket.
Preston: Right, right! But do that version tomorrow! It’s clean, it’s somewhat witty, it ties in to your match… so, it’s not the original version, but it’s Steve Studnuts. The fans will expect your twist and at least we can air it. You got the job!
Studs: *sigh* Gee, that’s swell. I can hardly wait. *yawns*
Preston: Just as long as you don’t slip that “truck” version in at the least second…
Studs: Oh, I won’t. Heh. I promise.
Preston: Steve? I’m serious…
Studs: Trust me. *winks* I got this one, kid.
And tomorrow night The Windy City will blow me like it’s never blown before. Sunday night, I’m gonna sports entertain Chi-Town with some HEAT!
Cage.
Zeleos.
Bryan Banyon.
My World Title.
Even Harry Caray, if was alive and had those big ass fuckin’ Coke bottle glasses off… could see this comin’.
My championship is comin’ back to where it belongs.
Not a promise…
Not an idle threat…
Not a guarantee…
That kids, IS….A……FACT!
Preston: Very good! We’ll see you tomorrow at the game. Remember, no “truck” version, okay?
Studs: Relax. I got this.
~~~Steve turns and begins walking to the door…. He’s whispering to himself.~~~
Studs: I hope you have a delay on that mic, jerkweed. Heh. This is gonna be a great weekend…
CAPTION: THE NEXT DAY
CHICAGO (AP)—Aramis Ramirez is giving the Chicago Cubs the clutch hitting they have lacked, even while he is in pain. However, it was a professional wrestler that made the real headlines.
Ramirez homered to snap a sixth-inning tie and had a pair of two-out, run-producing hits in his most productive game since coming off the disabled list, leading the Cubs to an 8-5 victory over the Cincinnati Reds on Friday.
Steve Studnuts, a “sports entertainer” under the employ of Xtreme World Wrestling and in Chicago for the company’s pay per view event on Sunday at the United Center, sang a profanity laced ”Take Me Out To The Ballgame” after apparently switching singing duties with Friday’s crooner. Steve was scheduled to sing on Saturday during the seventh inning stretch of game two of the three game weekend series.
“The good two-out hitting,” Cubs manager Lou Piniella said when asked what he missed most during Ramirez’s absence. “He knows how to drive in runs. He’s done it his whole career. He’s a good, professional bat in the middle part of your lineup. We’ve missed that for a long, long time here. Get him going and it really helps.”
When asked about the singing, Piniella replied, ”No comment. Did you see the size of that (expletive) guy? And I’ve heard he has a really big penis.”
It took time to get Ramirez going. In his first 11 games after missing nearly two months due to a separated shoulder, Ramirez was batting .190 with two RBIs. But he followed Wednesday’s two-hit, two-RBI game at Philadelphia with Friday’s four-hit performance.
“It’s there, and it’s going to be there,” Ramirez, who winces after some swings, said of his shoulder pain. “I’m going to have to deal with it.”
He has driven in 100-plus runs six times. That bat is good medicine for an ailing Cubs offense that entered Friday batting .224 with two outs and runners in scoring position.
“I’m the cleanup hitter, and I’m here to drive in runs in key situations,” Ramirez said. “Any time you lose your cleanup hitter, it’s going to affect everybody. We have a great team. The second half we’re playing pretty good, and hopefully we keep going.”
Mike Fontenot, Jeff Baker and Derrek Lee also homered for the Cubs, who have won eight of 11 games.
The Reds dropped their sixth straight road game despite starting pitcher Aaron Harang’s first career home run. At 44-51, they are a season-worst seven games under .500—and they’re not happy about it.
“It’s a very frustrating game, frustrating road trip, frustrating since the second half started,” Cincinnati manager Dusty Baker said. ”But that seventh inning stretch was (expletive) hilarious!”
Cubs rookie Randy Wells (6-4), who allowed seven hits in six innings, is 6-0 when receiving at least four runs of support. Aaron Heilman and Carlos Marmol each pitched a scoreless inning of relief before Kevin Gregg gave up Willy Taveras’ two-run single in the ninth.
Gregg ended the game by retiring Joey Votto, Cincinnati’s best hitter, on a called third strike with two men on base.
“Joey’s not going to end the game like that unless he thinks that was a ball,” Dusty Baker said. “There were a couple of questionable calls. Mike Reilly is a good umpire, but you just hate to end the game like that.”
The rest of Cincinnati’s scoring came on the second-inning, three-run shot by Harang, a career .090 hitter who has struck out 178 times in 390 at-bats. He said it was his first homer since high school.
“I’ve been working on that for quite a while and it finally happened,” Harang said. “I’ll have to call (former Reds slugger Adam) Dunn and tell him I finally got one. He’s been all over me.”
Harang (5-11), who gave up nine hits and four runs in six innings, is 0-7 with a 5.17 ERA in his last 11 starts. After going 32-17 in the 2006 and 2007 seasons, he is 11-28 in 2008 and 2009.
Ramirez had an RBI double in the first and made it 3-3 with his third-inning single. He later added another double.
Fontenot homered in the second. In the eighth, Jeff Baker had a pinch-hit homer off Daniel Ray Herrera, and Lee added a two-run shot off Jared Burton for an 8-3 lead.
Steve Studnuts has been banned for life at Wrigley Field or singing at any other Major League ballpark. However, another XWW grappler named Zeleos was approached earlier in the day to audition in Chicago for singing duties. After this incident, it’s unlikely he will be allowed to even if interested.
CAPTION: THE DAY AFTER THE NEXT DAY
CHICAGO (AP)—More on this bizarre story out of Chicago’s famed Wrigley Field yesterday where a professional wrestler named Steve Studnuts shocked and (in a sad commentary on the times) thoroughly entertained Cubs fans during the organization’s legendary home game singing of “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” with a filthy rendition capped off where Studnuts invited “three sluts” to join him in the booth for sex.
Preston Walters, the Director of Marketing for the Cubs and the person responsible for screening the singers was stunned. “He promised he wouldn’t do that version, I am totally flabbergasted by this turn of events.”
It is unsure if Walters will be suspended or even released for the public relations nightmare, but sources tell us that Studnuts, who is in Chicago for a Sunday night pay-per-view wrestling event orchestrated by Xtreme World Wrestling dubbed ”Summer Warfare”, made good with Walters by getting him and his twelve year old son backstage passes at the show and two autographed “Bryan Banyon is Gay” T-shirts.
In game related news, Aramis Ramirez homered to snap a sixth-inning tie and had a pair of two-out, run-producing hits in his most productive game since coming off the disabled list, leading the Cubs to an 8-5 victory over the Cincinnati Reds.
Studnuts, a “sports entertainer” with the XWW and competing in the promotion’s co-main event at the United Center, has a vast history of saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times. “I should have known better”, Walters said. “I mean, I’ve watched him for awhile and I just should’ve known better. It’s what he does.”
Studnuts was originally scheduled to sing during Saturday’s seventh inning stretch, but apparently switched with Friday’s singer so he could go out on an “all day” Saturday date with ESPN sideline hottie Erin Andrews, who’s stirred up some controversy this week on her own, even if unknowingly.
Surely by now you've heard. Someone secretly videotaped Andrews while she was nude at a hotel(s) curling her hair and ironing her clothes. TMZ.com speculated rather persuasively the Zapruder in this fiasco might very well be one of Andrews' co-workers.
The video had been available (and ignored) on the Internet for months, but gained popularity this week when the influential Web site Deadspin wrote a post on the subject and linked to the Web site hosting the Andrews peephole footage.
After fellow XWW wrestler, Galactic Sam (who claims to be a cyborg from Uranus ((Probably not, but definitely from somebody's anus)) and hey…this is professional wrestling we’re talking about here) leaked information about the footage, Studnuts is said to have watched the video and commented, “I gotta hit that.”
Thus, he put in motion the switch to sing Friday. Perhaps the Cubs would like Studnuts to sing at every home game, as the Cubs’ bats came to life after the incident. In the eighth, Jeff Baker had a pinch-hit homer off Daniel Ray Herrera, and Derrick Lee added a two-run shot off Jared Burton.
However, that maybe difficult to do since Studnuts has been banned for life at Wrigley. Lee, the Cubs’ first baseman and slugger was disappointed. “That’s too bad, that dude cracked me up with his version and the fans loved it. It really got us pumped up…and it was a helluva lot better than (famous race car driver) Jeff Gordon’s (expletive) attempt”, he said.
Studnuts, a former XWW World Champion, will compete and try to regain his belt against another former World Champion Zeleos and current title holder Bryan Banyon in the company’s featured bout at “Summer Warfare.” The event has sold out but is still available for purchase on pay-per-view.
CAPTION: BACK TO PRESENT TIME…
Studs: Yeah, and who’d have thought I’d got fucked at that PPV? Fuckin’ non bookin’ fuckin’ fuckity fucks. I’m glad to be outta there… that place would suck Axl’s balls if he had any.
So, what’s the punishment? It can’t possibly be that bad after spendin’ three months in the shithole known as Xtreme World Wrestlin’…
Connie: Steve, I’m sorry hun…they’re sending you back to BOB.
Studs: Oh fuck me…you're kiddin', right? Oh...my...God...
I really fuckin' feel sorry for the motherfucker they book me with first... I'm gonna kill him...
...deader than fried fuckin' chicken...
And that... IS... A.... FACT!
~~~static~~~