(FADE-IN: on BookFace sitting at a table in the food court of a mall somewhere. Where that is? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that he's drinking a shake. It's probably chocolate since chocolate TOTALLY PWNZ all other flavours. Except vanilla. Sometimes, Facey likes vanilla. He notices the camera and as the camera man attempts to sit down he freaks out, bursting to his feet and holding out a hand as if to stop him.)B
OOKF
ACE: "Whoa - whoa - whoa - like... totally WHOA! What the Hell do you, like.... totally think you're doin'? You can't sit there. You sit there and the minute your uggo ass lands in the seating portion of that seat I drop 37 friends from my FaceBook. Don't sit down. Go sit at that table over there. That thing got a close up on it?"
(The camera nods.)B
OOKF
ACE: "Okay then... you can totally sit your uggo ass in that seat over there."
(The camera turns to see where BookFace is pointing. It's all the way across the mall.)CAMERA MAN: "How will we pick up the audio?"
B
OOKF
ACE: "You can like... totally leave the boom mic on my table. Boom mics are so in right now. I wouldn't expect an uggo like you to understand. What is that you're wearing anyways? Is that... like, a uggo BOB t-shirt or something?"
CAMERA MAN: "I... I work for BOB. That's why we're here."
B
OOKF
ACE: "I don't care if you're like... totally here to buy your wife her army boots or somethin'-somethin', uggo. Fact is... you're totally receding friends from my FaceBook by the second you stand here."
(BookFace shoos the camera man with his right hand, the left picks up the shake.)B
OOKF
ACE: "Va-MOOSH! I won't speak another word until you're like... totally where Princess Fiona's parents live."
(There is an awkward silence.)B
OOKF
ACE: "Far FAR away? Don't you know anything? You're uggo and dummo. You totally wear the crown."
(BookFace used his free hand to form his index finger and thumb into an "L" shape.)B
OOKF
ACE: "La-hoo-sah-hurr! Scram."
(We can audibly hear the camera man sigh and the camera fades to black...) * * * * * *
(FADE-IN: on BookFace staring at the camera from across the food court. Some hot chicks walk by and his eye is caught by them. He smiles and raises his shake like a cowboy might raise his hat.)B
OOKF
ACE: "Hey there."
GIRL #1: "Hi. Do I like... know you?"
B
OOKF
ACE: "You like... so totally wish. Your throbbin' gash is itchin' to remind you I was the one you plunged ya pinkies into it over."
(The girl's jaw gapes widely as the other one batters her eyes at him, not even listening to what she says. The first girl slaps him across the face.)B
OOKF
ACE: "You know what you just totally did, uggo?"
(The girl shakes her head.)B
OOKF
ACE: "YOU TOTALLY GOT YOUR FRIEND REQUEST DENIED! GO BUY YOUR FLANNEL HANDBAG AND GYRATE YOUR ITCHY VA-JAY-JAY AT YOUR LUMBERJACK BOYFRIEND, UGGO!"
(The girl gives a "humph" and grabs her friend by the forearm so that she can storm off. Her friend shakes her grip.)GIRL #1: "What're you doing?"
GIRL #2: "I'm so totally stayin' with him, Babsy. He's like a bad boy."
GIRL #1: "He's totally a jerk."
B
OOKF
ACE: "Po-tay-to... po-tar-to... now like... go do whatever it is you do. Licking windows or somethin', uggo. You're totally dampening the mood with chicklet here."
GIRL #2: "Sarah."
B
OOKF
ACE: "Did I ask? You can sit here and pick the gum off my boot while I cut a promo."
SARAH: "Ooooo... what's that?"
B
OOKF
ACE: "Okay... let's like... totally straighten the like... ledger here, booty call. You pick them gum. You fuck. I call you early hours of the morning when I so totally can't be bothered jerkin' it to still shots of Halle Berry in
Swordfish. Do we like... totally understand each other or do I have to totally kick your tight little ass to the curb with that uggo friend of yours?"
SARAH: "Ooooo..."
(chewing something) "...it's grape flavour."
B
OOKF
ACE: "Nasty."
(BookFace looks at the camera.) "I totally dig it. So, BOB. Uggo's on a Budget. Maybe you should totally change your uggo name to UOB. That's better. Maybe I'll totally call you UOB from now on. Ha! Sic burn. Eat that Leary's."
(BookFace rolls his eyes.)B
OOKF
ACE: "And speakin' of Leary's. How many more are there? Will we like.... totally see Dennis come and sing his song about chocolate starfish? I always thought them Leary's were total, like... Southerners. But this sordid little love triangle even makes Angelina "Tongue my Brother" Jolie say "oooo... that's some fucked up shit right thurrrrr." And Chingy testifies. RIGHT THURRRR-THURRRRR!"
(BookFace does a little cabbage patch at his table, using his shake as the centrepiece.)B
OOKF
ACE: "I'd love to continue totally mind-reading that whole backward, hick breeding program but I'm SOOOOOO like.... totally grossed out by it I'm afraid my thoughts my throw up on my brain!"
(BookFace nods like it could very well happen.)B
OOKF
ACE: "But I've got bigger fish to fry. Or Yam's to roast. You total hypcrite. We talk about Indian givers back in high school. Where you give something to someone and then like totally take it back like... straight away. That's called Indian giving. Maybe you should totally build a tee-pee, you uggo four-eyed potato. No need for the rain dance, Rain Man, coz I'll so totally like... rain on your parade."
(BookFace testified with a nod.)B
OOKF
ACE: "I totally don't know what happened at Michelle Leary... ay-kay-ay Toadlena... because I've like... totally put that part of my life out of my mind, yeah? I mean... tag-team wrestling with a four-eyed uggo is SOOOO totally uncool. During that match there was like so many status updates on FaceBook it wasn't funny.
"Everyone was like "BookFace totally gone lost it taggin' with four eyes" and "Six eyes in a tag match... isn't that trios?" and "Sam, Sam the Dancing Walmart catalogue boy". It was SOOO totally embarrassing. I mean... I totally wanna be a UOB champion but tag-team wrestling with you is like... TO-TA-LEE never EVERRRRRRR gunna be an option again. I lost 76 friends for tag team wrestling with you, uggo. Seventy-six! That's the number iof genital warts your mama found in her armpit after filming "Armdrag the Dallas Cowboy's Dongles for 3 Facebook Friends". Rumour has it she totally thought she was on
Deal or No Deal. She's a total embarassment. I swear to God."
(BookFace put his hand on his heart when he said the last sentence. He picked up his shake and took a long drink before continuing.)B
OOKF
ACE: "And now... like... after I had to go and tag-team wrestle with your four-eyed self you totally take it away from me and say you want this... you want that... totally making demands that are totally stupid that only a total uggo could come up with. What is this? Give the Chess Club their time in like... the spotlight? You want to through some real life hippopotamous into the mix? Is this a horrible joke? Are you Ashton Kutcher in really good disguise? Are you totally some sort of like... David Attenborough fetish uggo? Wanna wrestle with hippos because it makes your little potato gem get tingles?"
"I don't think wrestling ACTUAL hippos is like... a good idea. I feel like Robin Williams or something. I wish someone in UOB.... I'll just call it "Yube" for short.... I wish someone in Yube would totally like... take control of the situation here. I'm like... trying to be the professionalist of wrestlers... how can I do this when there's totally animals running wild around here? I'm not one to complain... but I'm totally not going to wrestle some animal from Africa. Least of all a fat animal. I wouldn't be caught dead with fatties. Some people hang out with fatties because it makes them look slimmer and more attractive... like Paris did with Nicole. But that backfired when she got like... anorexia, too. Then they totally both tried to bone Good Charlotte. Then they swapped the dudes they were bonin'. It was totally like a Leary family Christmas party. Sordid. SOR-DID!"
"But Sam... I'm not sure if I want your title so bad as to wrestle with like... fat African animals. It's bad enough to be seen in the same arena as a four-eyed uggo like you then to be in there like... at the same time as a fatty-boom-boom, too. Are you trying to destroy my social standing in like.... Internet society? Aren't you aware that I'm the Greatest Social PhenomeNOM-NOM-NOM since your mother's gapin' gape-hole?"
(BookFace rolls his eyes.)B
OOKF
ACE: "I'm only agreeing to this because I don't think it's cool that a total uggo four-eyed potato head like you is allowed to have a championship belt. I'm SOOOO totally only doing this because every time you totally have the Swiss Army belt you totally make every other entire wrestling belt in the history of glaxy's universe totally uncool and bogus. Just... like... you.
"Challenge accepted, four eyes."
(BookFace appeared finished with the promo. Sarah is staring at him all doe-eyed when she spies the boom mic on the table.)SARAH: "Is that like.... a boom mic?"
B
OOKF
ACE: "Of course it is. I'm like... totally uberCool. Do I look like a boom mic-less uggo like Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam? I totally don't like... think so."
SARAH: "That's so totally hot. Wanna make out?"
B
OOKF
ACE: "Go Freshmaker yourself and Mentos ya boot breath, booty call. I'll be back in a minute."
(BookFace got up and crossed the food court to the camera man.)CAMERA MAN: "What're you doin'?"
B
OOKF
ACE: "Nothin'. Jus'... oh you kn-"
(BookFace superkicks the camera to black...)