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Post by John Leary on Jul 17, 2009 14:01:28 GMT -5
UPDATED: July 28. Winners in BOLD.
1. Pigeon vs. Necro Grocer (Hardcore Match)
2. El Basura Blanco vs. Hamster Girl
3. DOA vs. XXXtreme Machine & Snapmare Kid
4. Beer In The Belly Qualifier #2: Trey Vincent vs. Kurt Angel
5. Peter "Shorty" O'Red & Hardcore Hippo vs. Jerri Li & Xing Long (Double DQ)
6. The Great vs. Kid Pirate (The Great via DQ)
7. "Stereotyped Faced" Justin Voss vs. Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam (Swiss Army Belt)
8. Kobe vs. SMP (Match 6 of Best of 7 Series to Crown a New ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS)
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Post by roy on Jul 20, 2009 11:01:44 GMT -5
[KUREJI and Tetsuo Chishio, the Deathmatch Orangutang Asians, are sat in a Ford Mustang on super fuzzy blue seats. They are rolling on ecstasy and listening to “Exterminate” by Snap on the radio with the bass turned all the way up.]
KUREJI: Oh shit, I love this song!
[Tetsuo removes the zombie Halloween mask he is was wearing, unable to get his red popsicle through the mouth hole. Clive is sat in the back seat. KUREJI turns and looks into the camera.]
KUREJI: On July 24th 2009, the year of the ox, the Deathmatch Orangutang Asians will make their BOB debut!
Tetsuo: Who are we facing?
KUREJI: I don’t know anyone with the power to divulge that information.
Clive: I’ve got the power!
[Tetsuo puts his mask back on.]
Tetsuo: Well?
Clive: Fingerbang XXX!
[KUREJI hurriedly turns to Tetsuo with a worried expression.]
KUREJI: Holy shit dude, they sound dangerous.
[He turns back to Clive.]
KUREJI: So they can shoot bullets out their fingertips?
Clive: You’re foreign, aren’t you?
[Tetsuo jabs the Popsicle at him like a red hot poker.]
Clive: Look, XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid are just the guys everyone faces at one time or another, if you can’t beat them… no, it’s not possible.
KUREJI: So you’re saying we wont need any light tubes or scorpions or barbedwire mannequins?
Clive: I… suppose.
[KUREJI and Tetsuo high five.]
Tetsuo: That’s one for DOA!
Clive: By the way, just as a side note. Kureji, I have to ask. What’s up with the orange leather biker outfit? You don’t even own a bike!
Tetsuo: I admit I thought the same thing.
KUREJI: It’s just my character. And it’s KUREJI! All caps mang! Now hit the gas, put the peddle to the meddle and get this car rollin!
[Clive dives shoulder first with the camera out of the door as the two drug crazed lunatics fly into the sunset.]
Clive: Why couldn’t we have hired that other tag team of Canadian street fighters?
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Post by hamstergirl on Jul 22, 2009 2:05:57 GMT -5
[Hamster Girl is crouched on the sidewalk, crying her eyes out over a frog she accidentally ran over with her bright pink bike. Bentley, her butler, is trying is best to comfort her.]
HG: How could you let this happen?!
[She beats him with her fists.]
Bentley: You killed it, not me.
HG: Give him mouth to mouth resuscitation! I order you!
Bentley: There’s no use.
HG: Why?
Bentley: Half it’s body is missing and it’s guts are splattered across the concrete.
[HG she buries her face in his chest.]
HG: It’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.
Bentley: It wont be for long.
[He holds her back gently at the shoulders.]
Bentley: I just read the card for the next house show, you’re facing someone who is made out of garbage.
HG: He’s MADE out of garbage?
Bentley: Yes.
[She gulps.]
HG: I hate garbage.
Bentley: I know.
HG: It’s smelly and gross and there’s all kinds of moldy food in there. Noodles, fuzzy tomatoes, liver, pop cans filled with bees…
[She shudders.]
HG: This guy sounds gross.
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