July 10: Truth or Consequence, New Mexico

[John Leary]

This topic will be locked on July 17. If you want to contribute to this show, reply with your RPs, segments, interviews, or match highlights. Winners will be announced in an upcoming Webisode.

1. Swiss Army Belt Gauntlet Match. Due to the firing of Axl, the Swiss Army Belt is vacant. To remedy this, Michelle and Steve Leary have booked a 20 person gauntlet match. Starts off with two wrestlers, and every two minutes a new person enters the match. Wrestlers are eliminated by pin, submission, KO, DQ, or count out. Competitors are: Cyborg Angelina X; douja; Dustbuster Boy; The Great; Hamster Girl; Hippo; Human Foreign Object; Jerri Li; Kid Pirate; Kurt Angel; Misty Waters; Pigeon; Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam; [Sir Zeno]; Snapmare Kid; Stereotyped Face Justin Voss; Viet Kong; XFactor Pete Trable; Xing Long; XXXtreme Machine.
2. Beer In The Belly Qualifier #1: Steve Studnuts vs. Death
3. Kobe Gyant vs. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants (Match 5 of Best of 7 Series to Crown a New ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS)

[VossMan]

(CUTTO: Packed arena. Where is it? Who gives a flyin' nun really... all you need to know is it's packed there's theme music starting. Theme music? Who the funk's theme music is playing?)

if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!

CLAP! CLAP!

if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!

CLAP! CLAP!

if you're happy and you know it
and you really wanna show it
if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!

CLAP! CLAP!

Fans:[/b] rrrrrrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(CUTTO SWINGING BOOM CAMERA WHOOSING OVER FANS: Fans bounced on their feet with their fists high in the air. Some of them put their hands over their mouthes and cried as the lights dropped and the whole arena went black.)

(CUTTO: STAGE: On the stage there was an ambient white light and a man emerged. A little silhouetta of a man. SKARAMOOSH! SKARAMOOSH! Oh wait... promo. The man emerged with a stool and a suitcase. He placed the stool on the stage and put the suitcase on top of it.)

(CUTTO: FANS: Some fans really began to weep and scream. They clawed the air, like they might be able to grab him. But they can't. COZ HE TOO FAR WAY FROM Y'ALL BEEEACH!)

(CUTTO: STAGE: The man in the shadows popped open the suitcase and removed a black cardigan, all sequinned and sheeeet. The fans roared just a little louder as he put the jacket on. Next, he plucked out a black fedora hat to an even MORE monstrous pop that probably might've BURST THE DAMN ROOF IN... had it been made of something EXTRAORDINARILY breakable. Like really thin glass or somethin' like that, yeah? Maybe... I dunno... maybe if it was made of granny bones or somethin'. Anyways... he's put the hat on, k? That hat is firmly on his head and OH MY GAWD! HE'S PULLED OUT A GLOVE! HE'S PULLED OUT A MOTHERFUCKEN SEQUINED RHINESTONE DAMN GLOVE! CAN YOU HEAR THEM FANS? THEYS LOSIN THEIR SHIT, DAWG! THEY'RE CRAZY LIKE! The man steps forward a little, face still hidden by the backlight shinin' on behind him. He flicks his left hand out... er... to his left... and a SPOTLIGHT bursts down onto the stage. Within the spotlight is a microphone on a stand and them fans jus lose dere shit jus a little sumdin-sumdin mo, aight. He steps into the spotlight and it's...

IT CAN'T BE!

NO WAY! IT CAN'T BE HIM!

IT'S THE "STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTIN VOSS~!)

Fans: rrrrrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(Slowly but surely, he raised that sequined glove up and snatched the microphone off the stand and jerked it to his lips in and audible position. He kicked the microphone stand away from himself as the lights came on up in the arena.)

JV: It's been too damn long since the Steroetype Face got up on the mic but it's certainly an honour to see all your smilin' happy faces one... more... time! I'm EC-STAT-TICK... to be amongst the fans of me, myself and I...

Fans: rrrrrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

JV: ...do throw down some verbal abuse to those that stand between me and my FOURTH Swiss... Army... Belt! Ya see, fanatics, there comes a time in one's life where they realise that if they stank any more so of AWESOME they might get a sponsorship deal with Old Spice. And between me, myself and I... I FUNKEN STANK!

(Voss nodded his head in agreement with he, himself and him.)

JV: A twenty person gauntlet. Twenty people ALL clambering for the Swiss Army Belt but has there ever been a MORE prolific Swiss Army Belt Champion than the Big Bad VossMan?

(Voss shook his head.)

JV: Well... there was Bobo Q. Fiendish... Oh wait... I digress...

Fans: rrrrrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

JV: ...Bobo never WON the Swiss Army Belt. Maybe the big bad booby boss hog got hisself the bel.... Nope. He only got it once. Studnuts? BUP-BOW! Twice. Close, Steve. But no cigar. Story of your LIFE! HA! Improv. You can't beat improv. Viet Kong? You're actually still alive? IS CHARRIE STILL WIFF YOU SOLJA BOYEE?

Fans: rrrrrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

JV: I... Am... the ONLY... THREE-TIME THREE-TIME THREE-TIME... Swiss Army Belt Champion and there ain't nothin' you can do about it...

JV & Fans: CEPT SMILE!

JV: When I head on down to the ring that...

Fans: Voss built!

JV: I'll be unleashing a world of pain any 20 poor saps who shoulda known better than to stay at home. Some of these people think they're decrepid. They think they're sick. They even think they're hard-freakin-kore... what they DON'T think is that they can BEAT... ME! For THIS is the return of the Federation... a.k.a. ME! The return of the ONLY Wrestler that matters. The return of the Stereotyped FACE to Brawlers on a Budget.

Fans: rrrrrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

JV: The rules are DQs and pins and countouts and submissions... LET'S GIVE THE FANS WHAT THEY WANT MUM AND DAD! Steve... Michelle... go down the shop, get a bottle of Turtle Wax and shammy... Steve get ya girl shinin' with her jerkin' arm and her prettiest frock on coz I want HER to hand deliver that title belt directly to perfect waste because the dozens of FA-NAT-TICKS...

Fans: rrrrrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

JV: All want one and the same thing. They want the Swiss Army Belt to be BACK with it's rightful owner. They want it BACK on the shoulder of the Stereotyped Face. FINALLY THE VOSS HAS COME BAC... whoa! That was a close call... AND THAT'S THE BO- nope. Nuh-uh. That ain't it.

(Voss holds up a finger, as if he finally remembered what it was he was going to say.)

JV: AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO 'BOUT IT...

JV & Fans: CEPT SMILE!

(Voss spun around, grabbed the hat on his head and groin and thrusted.)

JV: HIT MY MUSIC, MAESTRO!

(If you're happy and you know it FadeToBlack!)

[hippo]

Fade in from commercial.

We are on the set of Gilligan's Island ... no ... wait ... my bad, GI was much more realistic, this place is more like a sub-tropical version of Bear in the Big Blue House ... with a touch of The Man Show thrown in.

Announcer: (That limey bastage with the suit from the last video thing) From deep in your imagination ... from the darkest heart of ... Switzerland?

In the center of the set, under crossed lifesized cardboard cutout palm trees, is a small grass hut with a shuttered window and a doorway hung with a beaded curtain.

Announcer: Welcome to Harvey's Magic Jungle!!

[glow=red,2,300]Oh, Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the Wonder Hamster
Hardcore Hippo
He bites, he stomps, he squishes you flat
And if you're his opponent he'll make you go splat!
Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the Wonder Hamster
Hardcore Hippo
GO, Harvey![/glow]

The beaded curtain parts and Harvey the Hardcore Hippo walks through wearing the yellow, red and blue striped outfit of the Papal Swiss Guard.

Harvey lifts his Pike (10 foot Long Pointy Stick) and swings it around almost hitting the announcer . . .

Announcer: HEY!!

. . . and neatly bisecting a large sweet potato sitting on a nearby treestump. Then he spears a plushy Gerbel like a park groundskeeper picking up trash.

Harvey: Voss!! You better watch your back because this Hardcore Hippo is gonna stomp you like a bunch of little Swiss Misses stomping Cocoa beans to make their chocolate drinks.

Reaching into the pocket of his colorfull striped vest he pulls out an oversized bar of Ghirardelli Chocolate, rips off the gold foil wrapping and takes a hippo sized bite out of it.

Hippo: MMMmmmm, tastes like VICTORY!!

Cut to static . . .

[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam]

Cheesy Announcer: In this corner, weighing in at one incredibly bad imagination. Hailing from the mind of his creator... SAM, SAM THE DANCING YAM!!!

[Sam wonders into the room, wondering what in the name of all that is pre-shrunk and cottony is going.]

SSTDY - What in the name of all that is pre-shrunk cottony is going on here? Since when did I get my own personal announcer?

[The Cheesy announcer hands Sam a piece of paper. On it, is the announcement that he is back in the title hunt with a shot at the Swiss Army Championship.]

SSTDY – Well spank the monkey, and call me funky. This representative of Yams Worldwide is going to once again have a chance to attain his goals of world domination.

[The Announcer whispers in his ear.]

SSTDY – I mean, I will finally be able to take the championship that is rightfully mine, after I was robbed by that evil pirate of pirates, and dodgiest BigBOSS, since Trey Parker or whatever our ex Executive Ass Clown was called. And when I get my mecha groove on, there will be no escape for those fools who think that they have a master plan to win the Swiss Army Championship of Brawlers of a Budget.

[Sam laughs a crazy, insane, Dr. Frankenstein kind of laugh that only a man with about as much sanity as a man in a mental institution, and about as screwed up mentally as Americans that voted for Bush a SECOND time.]

SSTDY – A bit to descriptive there don’t you think?

[Sorry, I’m just trying to get the word count up so that you actually have a chance of going up against someone like Voss. He was rocking nearly one thousand works and at the moment we’re barely pushing three hundred. It’s getting desperate here ya know. We haven’t won a belt since that eWmania championship, and now that they’ve gone under I’m trying to get you back into the championship hunt.]

SSTDY – Just relax you beer swelling, corn chip eating piece of Australian Shit, it’s not the quantity that counts, it’s quality. So long as you post a most awesome roleplay, that gets your point across, is well written, and entertaining for others to read, then you are most certainly in with a chance at this time. So what if it doesn’t reach one thousand words, or one hundred million thousand words,

[Well, we’re screwed then aren’t we?]

SSTDY – Pretty much. But hey, at least we can say we tried right?

[…]

SSTDY – Right?

[Yeah, sure why not?]

SSTDY – You don’t try very hard do you?

[ummm…]

SSTDY – God damn it! I’m in with a shot at the BOB Swiss Army Championship here!!! It may not be the greatest title in the world. Or even the most respected. In fact the fans probably think it’s a piece of shit title, ‘cause between you and me, it is a piece of shit belt. But unfortunately for an idiot like me, it is one of the few championship belts that I actually have a shot at winning and I’ll be damned to hell if I’m going to let a lazy little shit like you ruin MY chance at winning a championship belt that’s actually going to be around for more then five minutes. So I want you to get those short as shit fingers typing and giving me a freaking good roleplay that’ll give me a shot at this.

[Sam is becoming almost President like in his need to actually do well.]

SSTDY – Damn straight, I am Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam. Worldwide representative of Yams Worldwide, and don’t forget I’ve forgotten that mission. Nor have I forgotten my mission to dance all over the United States of America, and maybe even the world. But for now, it is my mission to tell it as I see, to tell it like it is. And this is how it is – In Truth or Consequence, New Mexico there will be a Golden Gauntlet match, with the winner becoming the new Swiss Army Champion of BOB. And no matter how the cookie crumbles, Sam, Sam That Damn Dancing Yam is going to do the best he can to take home the victory and the title. Failing that I would have at least given all that I could and be happy that I kicked ass and took names, smiling in the fact that I did my ultimate best and that like any patriotic American, I reached for my dreams and failed miserably in achieving them…

[He looks out to the audience.]

SSTDY – And with that being said, it’s party time!!!

[He turns on his radio and starts disco dancing to MC Hammer!!!!]