Post by @xL on May 10, 2009 20:33:35 GMT -5
|stop... think... look... listen|
|the mood is about to change|
[Previously, Axl's belt had been covered in spilt milkshake goop by an angry waitress. Axl took the title outside to clean it in a puddle beside a gutter, but thanks to a businessman bumping into him, Axl accidentally dropped the championship through the grate, and down into the sewers below.]
[The camera opens to the sewers of Sinister City... flowing with the waste of the populous. Axl trudges through a river of urine and fecal matter, searching high and VERY low for his lost Swiss Army Title...]
Axl: Why does everything bad in the entire world only happen to ME?! First that stupid waitress gets pissed off and dumps my shake on the belt. Then, that stupid businessman bumps into me when I'm trying to wash the belt off, and causes me to drop it into this sewer. What MORE could possibly go wrong?!
[Suddenly, a loud gurgling noise is heard... Axl looks up, and sees a large, open pipe looming above... and then - ]
[SPLASH]
Axl: AGGGGGHHHHH!!!! SHIT!!!
[Which, in fact, is exactly what drops upon Axl's head. BOB's "Savior" is covered in dookie, and he looks furious.]
Axl: [wiping the crap from his eyes] Oh... my... GOD!!!
[Axl begins to feel his gut churn... He clutches at his stomach, and seemingly spews out everything he's eaten for the past few days. Axl cleans his mouth with the side of his arm, before staring down at where he'd barfed... He finds the Swiss Army title, covered in shit, piss, and now, vomit.]
Axl: SUNNUVA -
|meanwhile|
[Chester Poinkington is your average, lazy, young, dumb, and ugly teen boy, whose only care in the world is performing crazy stunts on his skateboard. This particular hobby of his has gained him the nick name "Sk8er Boi". Today, Chester is skating through downtown Sinister City, minding his own business, when he finds an open man hole. Always ready for another thrill, Chester speeds toward the opening, and begins to kickflip over... when he sees a baby turtle walking across the street in front of the hole...]
Chester: Ahhh, well isn't that cute... PREPARE TO BE SMASHIFIED!!!
[Chester runs over the turtle... but the collision rocks Chester from atop his board, sending him soaring through the air... and into the hole.]
Chester: GAH!
[Chester plummets into the sewers... right on top of Axl.]
Axl: Get the hell off-ah me, ya creep!
Chester: Sorry dude! I was just bustin' out this radical, gnarly, massive, killer kick-flip, and -
Axl: GET OFF!!!
Chester: Oh, right, sure thing my bodacious compadre!
[Chester finally struggles to his feet, the running current of human waste making it a tad difficult. Chester reaches out a hand to pull up Axl, but Axe merely swats it away. After managing to make it back up, Axl finds that he's no longer carrying the Swiss Army title. He stares at Chester.]
Axl: YOU BASTARD!!! Do you know what you've just done?!
Chester: Uhhh... no?
Axl: You MADE me drop the belt, you DUMBASS!!! Now, YOU'RE going to help me search for it!
Chester: Oh... well, I totally don't have anything better to do, ya know? So, just chill-ax my spank-tastic amigo, and I'm sure we'll find your... uh... what was it?
Axl: My Swiss Army Title!
Chester: Jawesome! Does it have all sorts of attachments, cuz I could really use a comb. After landing in this sea of sewage, my spunkadellic hair-do is grossly reeking of reekocitude, my main man!
Axl: ... Just help me find the damn thing.
Chester: Right on!
[And so, Axl continues to trek through the sewer... now aided by the "Sk8er Boi", Chester Poinkington...]
[The camera switches to a few yards down the line, where the S.A. belt is drifting along the sewer passage... A beam of light appears from not too far down the way... As the light shines brighter and brighter, the championshiop draws nearer and nearer... until it finally passes through, and the light blinds the camera... before the screen fades...]
[Moments later, the camera re-opens, finding the title dropping through a waterfall-like stream of waste, pouring into a nasty, disgusting looking section of Sinister City...]
[The ghetto.]
[And the ghetto of Sinister City contains perhaps not only the worst pollution-producing factory in the nation... but a HUMONGOUS junkyard. The Swiss Army title floats along the stream of raw materials... when it drifts upon the shore of the giant junk heap. The camera is settled at ground level, close to the belt... when a pair of bare feet steps into view...]
Voice: Hmmm, hehehe... whatta we have here? Seems like...
[... the hand brings the belt closer to the figure's face... showing an unshaven, mud caked mug, with a toothless grin, and wild, scraggly hair falling down at the man's sides. The man is homeless... living here in the giant junk yard of Sinister City's ghetto... and competing in a (very) little known, underground mixed-martial arts league known as "UHF"... Ultimate Hobo Fighting.]
Voice: Seems like... GOLD. And I'M holding it... which means I MUST be the champion! Hm... "The Next Big Bum" Gruel Renshaw... UHF Champion. Has a nice little ring to it.
[Gruel wraps the belt around himself, before turning around, and taking a look at the horde of other homeless men and women that call the junk yard "home"... and call themselves competitors in UHF.]
Gruel: My brothers... my sisters... pay your respects to ME!!! Gruel Renshaw! THE Next Big Bum... and YOUR Ultimate Hobo Fighting CHAMPION!!!
Randy "The Beggar" Couture: Don't that belt say "BOB Swiss Army Title"?
[BLAM!!!]
[Couture falls dead from a gunshot at the hands of Renshaw. Gruel stares at another one of his "brothers".]
Gruel: You... Vagrant Shamrock?! You got somethin' ta say?!
Shamrock: HELL NO! ... SIR!
Gruel: Good... now ALL OF YOU! Get on your knees! I've got a shiny new toy and I want praise for it!
Hobo Ortiz: Ai yai, captain!
Gruel: I can't HEEEAAAR you!
All: AI YAI CAPTAIN!!!
Gruel: OHHHHHHHHHH...
|stevebob studpants|
|the mood is about to change|
[Previously, Axl's belt had been covered in spilt milkshake goop by an angry waitress. Axl took the title outside to clean it in a puddle beside a gutter, but thanks to a businessman bumping into him, Axl accidentally dropped the championship through the grate, and down into the sewers below.]
[The camera opens to the sewers of Sinister City... flowing with the waste of the populous. Axl trudges through a river of urine and fecal matter, searching high and VERY low for his lost Swiss Army Title...]
Axl: Why does everything bad in the entire world only happen to ME?! First that stupid waitress gets pissed off and dumps my shake on the belt. Then, that stupid businessman bumps into me when I'm trying to wash the belt off, and causes me to drop it into this sewer. What MORE could possibly go wrong?!
[Suddenly, a loud gurgling noise is heard... Axl looks up, and sees a large, open pipe looming above... and then - ]
[SPLASH]
Axl: AGGGGGHHHHH!!!! SHIT!!!
[Which, in fact, is exactly what drops upon Axl's head. BOB's "Savior" is covered in dookie, and he looks furious.]
Axl: [wiping the crap from his eyes] Oh... my... GOD!!!
[Axl begins to feel his gut churn... He clutches at his stomach, and seemingly spews out everything he's eaten for the past few days. Axl cleans his mouth with the side of his arm, before staring down at where he'd barfed... He finds the Swiss Army title, covered in shit, piss, and now, vomit.]
Axl: SUNNUVA -
|meanwhile|
[Chester Poinkington is your average, lazy, young, dumb, and ugly teen boy, whose only care in the world is performing crazy stunts on his skateboard. This particular hobby of his has gained him the nick name "Sk8er Boi". Today, Chester is skating through downtown Sinister City, minding his own business, when he finds an open man hole. Always ready for another thrill, Chester speeds toward the opening, and begins to kickflip over... when he sees a baby turtle walking across the street in front of the hole...]
Chester: Ahhh, well isn't that cute... PREPARE TO BE SMASHIFIED!!!
[Chester runs over the turtle... but the collision rocks Chester from atop his board, sending him soaring through the air... and into the hole.]
Chester: GAH!
[Chester plummets into the sewers... right on top of Axl.]
Axl: Get the hell off-ah me, ya creep!
Chester: Sorry dude! I was just bustin' out this radical, gnarly, massive, killer kick-flip, and -
Axl: GET OFF!!!
Chester: Oh, right, sure thing my bodacious compadre!
[Chester finally struggles to his feet, the running current of human waste making it a tad difficult. Chester reaches out a hand to pull up Axl, but Axe merely swats it away. After managing to make it back up, Axl finds that he's no longer carrying the Swiss Army title. He stares at Chester.]
Axl: YOU BASTARD!!! Do you know what you've just done?!
Chester: Uhhh... no?
Axl: You MADE me drop the belt, you DUMBASS!!! Now, YOU'RE going to help me search for it!
Chester: Oh... well, I totally don't have anything better to do, ya know? So, just chill-ax my spank-tastic amigo, and I'm sure we'll find your... uh... what was it?
Axl: My Swiss Army Title!
Chester: Jawesome! Does it have all sorts of attachments, cuz I could really use a comb. After landing in this sea of sewage, my spunkadellic hair-do is grossly reeking of reekocitude, my main man!
Axl: ... Just help me find the damn thing.
Chester: Right on!
[And so, Axl continues to trek through the sewer... now aided by the "Sk8er Boi", Chester Poinkington...]
[The camera switches to a few yards down the line, where the S.A. belt is drifting along the sewer passage... A beam of light appears from not too far down the way... As the light shines brighter and brighter, the championshiop draws nearer and nearer... until it finally passes through, and the light blinds the camera... before the screen fades...]
[Moments later, the camera re-opens, finding the title dropping through a waterfall-like stream of waste, pouring into a nasty, disgusting looking section of Sinister City...]
[The ghetto.]
[And the ghetto of Sinister City contains perhaps not only the worst pollution-producing factory in the nation... but a HUMONGOUS junkyard. The Swiss Army title floats along the stream of raw materials... when it drifts upon the shore of the giant junk heap. The camera is settled at ground level, close to the belt... when a pair of bare feet steps into view...]
Voice: Hmmm, hehehe... whatta we have here? Seems like...
[... the hand brings the belt closer to the figure's face... showing an unshaven, mud caked mug, with a toothless grin, and wild, scraggly hair falling down at the man's sides. The man is homeless... living here in the giant junk yard of Sinister City's ghetto... and competing in a (very) little known, underground mixed-martial arts league known as "UHF"... Ultimate Hobo Fighting.]
Voice: Seems like... GOLD. And I'M holding it... which means I MUST be the champion! Hm... "The Next Big Bum" Gruel Renshaw... UHF Champion. Has a nice little ring to it.
[Gruel wraps the belt around himself, before turning around, and taking a look at the horde of other homeless men and women that call the junk yard "home"... and call themselves competitors in UHF.]
Gruel: My brothers... my sisters... pay your respects to ME!!! Gruel Renshaw! THE Next Big Bum... and YOUR Ultimate Hobo Fighting CHAMPION!!!
Randy "The Beggar" Couture: Don't that belt say "BOB Swiss Army Title"?
[BLAM!!!]
[Couture falls dead from a gunshot at the hands of Renshaw. Gruel stares at another one of his "brothers".]
Gruel: You... Vagrant Shamrock?! You got somethin' ta say?!
Shamrock: HELL NO! ... SIR!
Gruel: Good... now ALL OF YOU! Get on your knees! I've got a shiny new toy and I want praise for it!
Hobo Ortiz: Ai yai, captain!
Gruel: I can't HEEEAAAR you!
All: AI YAI CAPTAIN!!!
Gruel: OHHHHHHHHHH...
|stevebob studpants|