Post by scatman on May 7, 2009 14:23:58 GMT -5
[Scatman is packing a suitcase. Mostly full of shit, but he’s tossing a few other things in there too.]
Scatman: Thong, brown sunglasses, bottle of old spice…
[He unscrews the cap of the old spice and takes a swig.]
Scatman: Ah, that’s the shit… Hawaiian shirt, sombrero, sack of weed, bag of ecstasy, gallon of rum, cigarettes, acid bible, mushrooms, penthouse, playboy, chun li hentai…
[Jerri is stood in the doorway.]
Jerri: Scatman, why don’t you try and get yourself a girlfriend?
Jerri: Nevermind.
[Scatman closes the lid of the suitcase and sits on it to close it shut.]
Scatman: Well, I’m all set for my vacation.
[He pushes Jerri aside and descends the stairs to the front door. A taxi is waiting for him outside.]
Scatman: See ya in three weeks dipshits! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.
CSC: What WOULDN’T you do exactly?
Scatman: Um… not have hot sex with Jerri? Hey, mah boy, this place I’m going to is heaven for a guy like me. It’s this small town in Germany where every girl in town chows down on shit all long. I’m serious as a heart attack, you could walk up to a random chick in the street, pull your pants down and take a dump in her mouth right there and then and she’d just ask for me. God I love the Germans.
CSC: Jerri isn’t going to let me have sex with her.
Jerri: Ugh, what the hell? I haven’t got anything better to do. All my gimps pussied out on me and I’m hornier than a 20 year old virgin in a room full of garter belt models. We can have a roll in the hay, as long as you stab me with a big knife.
[St. Christian just kinda looks at the butter knife he’s been making sandwiches with and sweats nervously.]
Jerri: Oh, forget it. This is for you Christian.
[She takes him by the hand, squeezing so tight the veins in his arms pop out, and drags him like a teddy bear up to her bedroom.]
Scatman: Don’t let her strap C4 to your balls dude!
[Scatman smiles and walks up to the waiting taxi. The driver’s eyes almost pop out of his head as the smell hits his nostrils.]
Driver: What… the… fuck?!
Scatman: Oh, hey dude, I’m Scatman. You might wanna roll your window down for this journey.
[He hands the driver a lot more money than is expected.]
Scatman: Just take me to the airport as fast as you can and I’ll pay you even more than that. Just, try and hold your breath or something.
[The driver swallows a load of vomit and wipes a puddle of sweat from his forehead before speeding away.]
Caption: Thirty minutes later.
[The taxi pulls up outside the airport and the driver tumbles out through the door, choking on the air and hurling all over the curb.]
Driver: That was the worst fare of my entire life!
[Scatman climbs out, suitcase in hand, and tosses a wad of notes at the driver.]
Scatman: The nightmare is over.
[Scatman checks his cellphone as he walks in through the airports doors. Jerri has sent him various pictures of St. Christian tied to a bedpost; being masturbated with a spider, having hairy caterpillars dipped in and out of his urethra, Jerri giving him a black kiss, gushing on his face and even sucking his balls with a mouth full of pop rox and ice cubes.]
Airport Voice: Flight 180 to Düsseldorf is preparing to depart, all passengers please make their way to the main gate.
[Scatman doesn’t really understand airport lingo and asks a few people for directions, but they all run off screaming like they’ve seen a monster. Scatman tries to read a flight chart thing on the wall, but the information flicks past and is written in plain English rather than crayon so he cannot make it out. The camera takes some artistic merit and turns with Scatman as he spins around in the middle of a large crowd of people screaming at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, a shady looking guy in a trenchcoat walks up to him.]
Hans: Hey, you are the going to Scatmania ’09?
Scatman: Hey! Yeah! In Duffeldork or something, right?
Hans: Düsseldorf mein führer, I mean, friend. I’m going there too, I’ll help you get on the plane.
Scatman: Thanks a bunch man! Hey, do these chicks really swallow your shit like it’s October fest?
Hans: Oh ja, they practically shove their head up your ass to get it at it’s warmest.
[Scatman’s balls tingle in his boxers and his eyes roll into the back of his head.]
Scatman: Sweet Jesus up a juniper tree, I’m gonna eat nothing but corn and Tabasco sauce for these girls.
[Hans shows him a polaroid of one of the girls from last year he had shat in the mouth, eyes, ears and up the nostrils of last year.]
Hans: Das ist good, ja?
Scatman: Humina humina humina!
Scatman: Thong, brown sunglasses, bottle of old spice…
[He unscrews the cap of the old spice and takes a swig.]
Scatman: Ah, that’s the shit… Hawaiian shirt, sombrero, sack of weed, bag of ecstasy, gallon of rum, cigarettes, acid bible, mushrooms, penthouse, playboy, chun li hentai…
[Jerri is stood in the doorway.]
Jerri: Scatman, why don’t you try and get yourself a girlfriend?
Jerri: Nevermind.
[Scatman closes the lid of the suitcase and sits on it to close it shut.]
Scatman: Well, I’m all set for my vacation.
[He pushes Jerri aside and descends the stairs to the front door. A taxi is waiting for him outside.]
Scatman: See ya in three weeks dipshits! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.
CSC: What WOULDN’T you do exactly?
Scatman: Um… not have hot sex with Jerri? Hey, mah boy, this place I’m going to is heaven for a guy like me. It’s this small town in Germany where every girl in town chows down on shit all long. I’m serious as a heart attack, you could walk up to a random chick in the street, pull your pants down and take a dump in her mouth right there and then and she’d just ask for me. God I love the Germans.
CSC: Jerri isn’t going to let me have sex with her.
Jerri: Ugh, what the hell? I haven’t got anything better to do. All my gimps pussied out on me and I’m hornier than a 20 year old virgin in a room full of garter belt models. We can have a roll in the hay, as long as you stab me with a big knife.
[St. Christian just kinda looks at the butter knife he’s been making sandwiches with and sweats nervously.]
Jerri: Oh, forget it. This is for you Christian.
[She takes him by the hand, squeezing so tight the veins in his arms pop out, and drags him like a teddy bear up to her bedroom.]
Scatman: Don’t let her strap C4 to your balls dude!
[Scatman smiles and walks up to the waiting taxi. The driver’s eyes almost pop out of his head as the smell hits his nostrils.]
Driver: What… the… fuck?!
Scatman: Oh, hey dude, I’m Scatman. You might wanna roll your window down for this journey.
[He hands the driver a lot more money than is expected.]
Scatman: Just take me to the airport as fast as you can and I’ll pay you even more than that. Just, try and hold your breath or something.
[The driver swallows a load of vomit and wipes a puddle of sweat from his forehead before speeding away.]
Caption: Thirty minutes later.
[The taxi pulls up outside the airport and the driver tumbles out through the door, choking on the air and hurling all over the curb.]
Driver: That was the worst fare of my entire life!
[Scatman climbs out, suitcase in hand, and tosses a wad of notes at the driver.]
Scatman: The nightmare is over.
[Scatman checks his cellphone as he walks in through the airports doors. Jerri has sent him various pictures of St. Christian tied to a bedpost; being masturbated with a spider, having hairy caterpillars dipped in and out of his urethra, Jerri giving him a black kiss, gushing on his face and even sucking his balls with a mouth full of pop rox and ice cubes.]
Airport Voice: Flight 180 to Düsseldorf is preparing to depart, all passengers please make their way to the main gate.
[Scatman doesn’t really understand airport lingo and asks a few people for directions, but they all run off screaming like they’ve seen a monster. Scatman tries to read a flight chart thing on the wall, but the information flicks past and is written in plain English rather than crayon so he cannot make it out. The camera takes some artistic merit and turns with Scatman as he spins around in the middle of a large crowd of people screaming at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, a shady looking guy in a trenchcoat walks up to him.]
Hans: Hey, you are the going to Scatmania ’09?
Scatman: Hey! Yeah! In Duffeldork or something, right?
Hans: Düsseldorf mein führer, I mean, friend. I’m going there too, I’ll help you get on the plane.
Scatman: Thanks a bunch man! Hey, do these chicks really swallow your shit like it’s October fest?
Hans: Oh ja, they practically shove their head up your ass to get it at it’s warmest.
[Scatman’s balls tingle in his boxers and his eyes roll into the back of his head.]
Scatman: Sweet Jesus up a juniper tree, I’m gonna eat nothing but corn and Tabasco sauce for these girls.
[Hans shows him a polaroid of one of the girls from last year he had shat in the mouth, eyes, ears and up the nostrils of last year.]
Hans: Das ist good, ja?
Scatman: Humina humina humina!